my story

Sitting silently in a giant ballroom amongst over 1,500 college students last December, I broke down. I had known that the life I had been living was fake, ungodly, selfish. I understood that I needed to change, and that things weren’t going as well as they could have. All of the pressure that I had put on myself, all of the expectations that I had for my life, all of my convictions…it all came crashing down upon me in that moment.

When I was in junior high, I was blessed to have a solid group of Christian friends. We went to Bible study, youth group, and church together. We spent Wednesdays after school, and many evenings at our local Starbucks talking about God, life, and what it meant to really have a relationship with our savior, Jesus Christ. Between 7th grade, and my junior year of high school, I grew spiritually, but it was in leaps and bounds. Looking back, I realize that I never truly made my relationship with Christ into a priority; instead, I made my idea of Christianity into a social excuse. It became my go-to if I didn’t want to do something that I thought might be ‘bad.’ My actions and thoughts were legalistic, and I used Christianity to judge others for their drinking and lewd behavior. It was my way to justify my judgmental and elitist behaviors and thoughts. In my mind Christianity served to separate me from all of the plastic and stereotypical students at school. It separated me somehow from all the “fake” Christians, who only went to youth group to check out all the cute boys & girls. Looking back, I realize that I was no better of a Christian (or person), and in some ways, I was worse.

In March of my junior year of high school, at the age of 17, my family moved to Minnesota, some 1600 miles away from my home near Seattle, Washington. I spent a lot of time up until the move being outwardly optimistic. I pretended well and often enough that I was able to convince myself that moving was going to be a good thing. When I first got to the Midwest, however, it seemed unreal. I was away from all of the fellowship that I had gained in the past years; I was alone. In the silence of my bedroom, I cursed God for taking me away from all that I had known; I had left so many things unfinished, so many plans unrealized. I didn’t understand why he would pull me away from everything, nor did I know what I had done wrong to deserve such a punishment. I spent countless nights in my room, crying myself to sleep.

Intellectually, I knew that everything happens for a reason. I had heard so many times that God had a plan for my life. Having grown up going to Sunday school, and Bible camps during the summer, I knew that God loved me, and that He knew what He was doing. Even with all of the knowledge, and background… I didn’t understand.

I became a lone soldier at school. Being the new kid is a hard thing to do; it’s a hard role to take upon yourself, especially if it wasn’t your choice. I had persuaded myself that I would have the best of both worlds – I would keep my old friends, and make a lot of new ones. However, as the contact with my friends back in Washington slipped away, I had nothing to hold onto in my new environment. Sure, I had ‘friends.’ I even had a boyfriend soon after I got to Minnesota, and then through senior year. It looked like I had it all together, like I had people that I could turn to, yet I was empty. I didn’t know who I could trust. I didn’t know who would get me into trouble. I couldn’t rely upon them, and they didn’t know me well. Instead of turning back to God, instead of acting upon all that I knew, I ran away from it, and threw myself into these people, hoping that something would stick.

Senior year was a nightmare. Yes, there were things that went well. There were things that made me happy, but day in and day out, the honest truth was that I hated it. I hated who I had become, and what I was doing. I spent my time at school acting happy, acting social, but on the inside, I didn’t care. I put up a front, but knew that I wouldn’t be friends with anyone from my graduating class after I was gone. I did things that I’m not proud of, and things that my friends from back home would’ve been shocked to hear coming from me. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I changed daily.

It wasn’t until I left it all behind me – graduation, and everything that went with it – that I started to understand why. It wasn’t until I came to Madison, to the University of Wisconsin, that it clicked. I was invited to a conference last Christmas in Minneapolis called TCX and I went. As I sat in that ballroom that night, in a hotel in downtown Minneapolis, I heard a speaker talking about truly living for Christ, about letting Him control your life. He spoke of sincerity. He spoke of giving things up. He spoke of pursing a relationship with a savior that had come to this earth, just to save us. I had heard it all before, this talk of Jesus Christ being the son of God and dying on the cross, and resurrecting to pay for the sins of the world. I had heard it, but this time was somehow different. It was as if the message was just for me, and it stuck.

In the weeks and months that followed, as I went through my freshman year, things changed. I’m still not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, and though it wasn’t always instantly, I could see my life take a new path. I gave up old relationships that weren’t healthy. I apologized to people that I had hurt in the past. I changed my major. I realized that God had moved me, and that I had gone through things, so that I could end up here, at Madison. He intended for me to be here to hear these messages, and meet these people. He intended me to know Him personally, to follow Him, and live for Him. Since then, I have seen how loving, and how great, and how faithful God truly is. He never fails to amaze and astound me. It’s because of who He is, that I trust Him with my life. It’s because of what He’s done, that I follow Him. I couldn’t ever be good enough, nor strong enough to do life on my own. I tried to get through it by myself, and it left me miserable, incomplete, and exhausted. Day by day, I rely upon Christ to get through, and time and time again, I find that He’s more than enough.

last one

This is my last blog. I know, I know, you probably don't believe me. However, it's true. I am going to bid you adieu. A lot of thinking has gone into this, and I just... I can't do it anymore. I feel as though I've gotten used to telling everyone everything via this blog, and I no longer feel as if it is appropriate to do so. I don't even know who you are, or who reads this, and therefore, I feel as though honestly, if you want to know things, you should talk to me. Information about myself, about my hopes and dreams and desires shouldn't be online for anyone to access. I guess I never really grasped this concept before, and now I'm putting it into action. A lot of the time, I think that I put specific things on this just to see if someone will respond in the way that I think they ought to. I hate that once in awhile I bait people like that, whether it works or not. I'm stopping.

Not only that, but I feel as if a lot of my precious time goes into me telling you about things on this. As my friend pointed out, I tend to blog when I have homework due (I have another essay due tomorrow...) and he's right, this happens all the time. I can't waste that time anymore. I can't blog instead of do my homework. I can't go on facebook when I should read my Bible. If following after Christ is my main objective, than these things are getting in the way of that. While it is not a direct cause and effect relationship, blogging gives me just one more excuse to ignore other things. Therefore, this is no longer rational, nor justifiable. I pray that I instead use the time that would've gone into blogging, into deepening my faith and pursuing my savior. I can think of no greater goal.

All in all - thanks if you cared enough to read this, but if you want to know how I'm doing, find a different way to do so.

With affection,
-me

in real time

This is from yesterday, Monday September 28, 2009, from my journal. Here's what I think of and write. Thought it might be interesting. Yes, I'm aware that I'm random. It's how I think.

"Sitting outside of Hums. 20 til class. It feels like Fall. I'm wearing a sweater and I'm chilly. The air is crisp. There's a man with a sign saying non-Christians are going to Hell. A group is around him, asking questions, challenging his ideas.

How is that guy in shorts and a tee? Isn't he freezing. My hair's a mess and gets in the way of me seeing this paper. What am I even writing about as the wind pushes leaves past where I sit, back against a lamp-post? Jonah & Samantha. I'm watching the faces as they walk by, as they see the sign-holding man. Reactions?

Disbelief.
Anger.
Sadness.
Apathy.

It's slowly breaking my heart.

"Read the Bible or you'll die in your sins." - man's quote. "Escape the fire!" I want moccasins, but will I get a blister like that girl? Is pain really weakness leaving my body?

I wonder. I want someone to notice me here. Say hello. Ask me my opinion on the yelling man. I feel like I sit here because I'm waiting for something, or someone. I just don't know who...

Class time."

* * * * *

Today, instead of paying attention to a professor -

"I look like I raided Cette's closet. Green, white, black hobo-looking Mexican hoodie. I slept on the couch last night. Today, a 5-page African history paper was due - I didn't start til 3:00 am. I spend 30 minutes chatting with a friend on Skype. Thanks Greta for the boldness! :) I was so excited, that I didn't care about the sugar high procrastination mode. Ditched lectures this morning. TA Steve isn't as BA without his mustache. What did "ite" mean? Why add it to the names of people groups? And why are my legs so darned sore? I want to sit and de-stress and stretch for hours.

There's so much to do today. And it's cold. Low of 35? Where did my high of 75 go? When I was a child, I would create landscapes on paint. Blue skies and green grass. Maybe some mountains. I'm glad that I am worthy of responding to. I wish that i didn't doubt... I bought face paint for capture the flag. I don't want to disappoint. I can't focus, I wonder when I tore this ligament in my hip. I dream of what it'd be like to see you again. I daydream too often; I spend money too often. I'll be 20 in one week, and I think time goes by much too quickly. People are afraid of dying, snakes and heights. I'm afraid that life will pass me by and I won't impact anyone; I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid that I might miss out if I blink. If I rest too long.

I came up with a catchphrase for my new journal, but I don't remember because I never wrote it down. I'm saddened by that. I got pen on my shirt, but the shirt is black and you can't see it. MLIA

Did I ever read Snow? Why am I not hungry? I want to sleep for hours - is that a choice? I doubt it. I have too much to do. Yet I think of dreaming. I can imagine my bed's softness. You speak of holiness and purity. Have I ever stood on holy ground? What would that feel like? 13 minutes of class left. Donut? I should probably get real food, but I still haven't been to Greenbush. I feel jittery. And my legs ache. My favorite pen is running out of ink and I shan't waste it on notes, it is too good for that. I remember buying a glass pen - I wonder where I put it? 8 minutes. Robin. Robert. We played cards that weekend and stayed inside, away from the rain. When did I last hold a conch shell? Or walk in a tidal pool? I miss the beaches of CA. There was a guy yesterday with a SF hat. He was cute. I have a Barry Bonds bobblehead. I like the crisp air. And the coolness. The crunch of leaves. I look forward to the first snow. 4 minutes. I hear a buzzing but it comes not from my phone. Pity. Text me back?

I still want to see your face. I still romanticize life."

under pressure

...kudo points for you if you started to sing the Queen song as soon as you saw the title to this. Hopefully you and I are friends. If not, well, we should be.

It's almost 4:00, and I definitely have a 4/5-page paper that's due in lecture tomorrow. At this point, I will probably have to skip my morning lecture. OR I'll be a baller and basically just take a nap tonight, and power through my power lectures, and then fall asleep at about 4:00 in the afternoon when it's all over. The only good thing in that is the fact that I don't have class on Wednesday until 1:20, and it's my only one. However, I have a ton to do, because I have an assignment due on Wed, and another paper for Thurs. There's also a ton of SPEV stuff to do, and we still don't really even have a team...which creates problems, and essentially chaos, and a minor mind-explosion on a daily basis.

I hate it when I do this. This has been my bread and butter since I can remember. I have written every single major essay within 48 hours of it being due, I'm pretty sure. Senior year, everything. Last year, yup, same. This is turning out to be no different. I'm all hyped up on some cookies and a Monster, and I'm writing this essay. I definitely watched an episode of Greek, to waste some time. And yesterday, I watched an episode of Gossip Girl... I don't even like Gossip Girl. I just, after this weekend, I couldn't bring myself to come home and do any serious work. I got a lot of reading done, but other than that, Sunday as a homework day was an absolute fail.

At the moment, I'm not even working on it. I was just majorly distracted. I give credit to my mother, and Greta for my awesome distraction. Thank you for making me bold. It was worth it, and I hope that it will continue to be as well.

I have class in 5 1/2 hours. Hmm... liklihood of my going at the moment? It's not looking so good McD, I apologize.

my newest hero

Dreams. Aspirations. Desires. Seriously, how many of us have a bucketlist? I know that the movie was talked about a lot after it came out (I personally never actually saw it), but I feel as though a lot of people think that things... I wouldn't say aren't possible, but perhaps rather "realistic." They've come to the conclusion that life is, well, dull, I suppose, and they take it in stride that they won't really ever get a chance to do all the things they wish they could. Life is busy, and therefore, no one has the time or the money to do anything but normal life. I'm sorry if it bothers you (though I don't understand why it would), however, I'm not accepting that as my fate.

http://www.gobackpacking.com

Check this guy out. Seriously, he's my newest hero. The average, normal guy. But he found made a way to accomplish his goal to travel around the world. 20 months, 22 countries. That's INCREDIBLE. I love travel. There's this image in my head of myself, 10 years from now or so, after being done with college. Me, with my history degree, and living like I'm broke as hell, whether or not I actually am, saving money, penny by penny until I go and see all the things that I've learned about. Saving money until I can take a trip to see with my own eyes all of the places that have influenced people for decades, or centuries. Maybe I'll write about it. Maybe I'll become a tour guide. I am not suited for a job that puts me behind a desk. I think I'd rather shove pencils through my eyes than wear business attire and sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I crave adventure.

I dare you, whoever you might be, to realize that yes, God has a plan for your life. I'm not contesting that. However, that does not mean that the plan is boring, or dull. It perhaps neither lacks surprise, nor adventure. If you have a dream - maybe it's to travel somewhere, or do something, or see something - find a way to do it! Stop playing victim and saying that it'll never happen, you will regret it someday. You might think you don't have the time, nor the energy, nor the money, and yes, sometimes you have to work for it. But - it's possible. You can probably achieve it if you actually have the motivation and determination to simply go and do it. It's likely that you're the only thing in your own way.

I trying to plan a trip at the moment. I couldn't be more excited.

looking for : travel buddy

So I'm torn. I am feeling terribly guilty about it, too, which really just adds to the pressure and the stress of trying to figure this all out. I love traveling. LOVE IT. I love adventure, as well as new things, places, and experiences. The whole sha-bang, it makes me happy. Spending time with people and exploring makes me more excited than I can really express. When I'm given an opportunity to go somewhere, I take it. Maybe it's rash of me, and perhaps I ought to put more planning or praying or whatever into it, but whereas most people sit back and think, I'm definitely onboard. When Evans asked if I wanted to go to Italy, there was no way in hell that I wasn't going. So I went. Same thing happened when my spanish class went to Costa Rica. It almost happened a third time when my lit. class went to Greece. The only reason I didn't go on that is because I moved. I even paid the down-payment. I was so determined, but life got the better of me that time.

I'm the kind of person who wants to plan a trip. If you have a spare week and want to go roadtrippin round this fine country, let me know. This past spring, I tried (unsuccessfully) to get some of my friends to go to DisneyWorld this summer. I don't like sitting still - I like going. When my cousins both went and aupaired, one ended up in Hawaii, the other, in Belgium. I was more jealous than I ever admitted, to be sure. I want that. So when I found out about Turkey, once again, I jumped on that train. That one, well, it didn't work out so perfectly, but yet, I'm not discouraged. I still want to go. There's so much to see and to do; there are so many people to meet. I guess I just don't want to miss out.

There's a trip planned to go to an Asian country for a week over Thanksgiving break... and I so badly want to go. This, my friends, is where I come across a problem, where I have a conflict. I want to go...but I don't think my desire is for the right reasons, and that makes me feel terrible. It's an opportunity to go to a college campus and tell other students in another country about Christ. Tell them about the gospel, and give them an opportunity to know because otherwise they might not hear. I understand the importance of a trip like this - I really do. I know that it's a chance to be a light, so to speak, in a dark place of the world. Yet it doesn't excite me. What excites me is the chance to go somewhere new, to see the sights and spend time with friends from school. Why am I not as stoked to share what I know?

I feel as if perhaps it's because a part of me knows that there is enough to do here in my own country, my own state, my own town. There are students here - thousands of them - that do not know the same savior that I know. Why am I not focusing on the hundreds of students in my apartment building instead? They have opportunities to hear about God, unlike these students abroad, but they don't take them. Is it more important for me to share with someone who has never heard? Or is it better to have a relationship with those around me, and to show them that life can be more.

It scares me to think that I simply want to go on a vacation instead. It feels selfish. It feels like maybe, it would be me doing something wrong. Like stealing cookies from the jar before eating dinner. What I can't figure out though, is if that is because it's true, or because I'm simply feeling guilty, and imposing those feelings on myself to try to make myself want to go on this trip to Asia. I want to be excited about the prospect of it...but I'm not. I don't think I should go if I'm not in it for the right reasons, if I don't get excited about it. I'd rather spend the same amount of money and spend a week going on a tour through EF in Paris and Amsterdam. I'd rather spend 10 days in Ireland. I'd rather buy myself a plane ticket and go see the World Cup next summer with my sister. (If I had my choice, I would somehow go to S. America with people that probably won't invite me because we're not actually "friends." But I wish we were! I want to come!) Should I feel bad about wanting to spend money to travel? I don't even know.

But what I want, more than anything at the moment, is:

Travel companions. Must be willing to seek adventure and not be afraid of the unknown that is the rest of this world. Must be willing to search outside of the box for ideas and plans. Must be willing to try new things.

Anyone serious about this in a more than a "Ohmygosh! That'd be like, so much fun!" kind of way, anyone who isn't just saying they want to because someday, somehow they might do something, welcome! Please don't ask me if you have no actual plans to do stuff, or if you're going to continually say "maybe." However, if you want to go do something awesome, and legitly want to, let me know. I would love love LOVE to join you.

do you even notice

that I care about you? I mean, honestly. I know that there needs to be common ground between straight up saying it, and being coy, but I feel as though if people paid attention the way that I do, they'd get it. It wouldn't be so hard. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who does stuff like this, and I find it strange that not one person has yet caught on. I don't think it's so hard, but then again, I suppose it's simply how I function. It makes sense to me. I would get it. But apparently I'm the only one. I probably shouldn't be posting this right now, because I'm just going to confuse a bajillion people, and the only person who should understand most likely doesn't even read this. I would be floored if they did. Man, that'd be a one in a million chance. Hey, you, if somehow you know that I'm talking about you, let me know, okay? That'd be awesome, thanks.

Kay, done with my venting. It's late, I apologize, but I can't get to sleep because of two reasons:

1) I keep thinking of possibilities
2) Owl City keeps playing on repeat in my head, and I keep humming along, which doesn't help

i can't get enough

of your voice. How strange it is, because I've heard one similar to it, and yours is so much better. I don't want to go to sleep, or read, because it wouldn't be there any longer. Shucks, complicated.

I had to work tonight, and it was pretty normal, but, as usual, I found myself drawn to those guys that are nice enough to simply have a conversation with me as I'm doing my job. Thank you, and kudo points go out to you people for making work less terrible. Anyone who makes a good joke, or tells a good story, or wears something interesting enough is cool in my book. There was one guy who had a SF Giants hat, which I loved. Definitely commented on that, and told him about going to watch Barry Bonds as a kid. I just love it when people genuinely care.

Oh, and as a side note - cute, blue-eyed trombone player, the answer is definitely yes. Haha, not like you would ever even know me. However, I'm determined to be in the front of P from here on out, and maybe Aaron knows you? That would simply be just awesomely fun. Yeah, so, the football game was yesterday (seeing as it's one o'clock, it was technically two days ago, but whatever) and I had a blast. It was so fantastic to be in the front row, as close as we could be to the field, with a bunch of my friends. It was the first game for a few of them, and I'm glad that I could share that with them. We had a good time, and of course, the 5th quarter came at the perfect time, right after we beat F.S in double overtime. Talk about stressful games to watch, man, that one was exciting. I can't believe I have to miss the Michigan State game, but I guess I'll live. Want to know something that I think is absolutely hilarious? My friends got on the jumbo-tron for painting "Bucky" on their chests, and they were only a little bit down from me. Then the guys on the other side of me were simply ridiculous, and I think they made it on that thing as well. So, guess who thought they saw me? But was wrong? Shoe. Ha, I love that he didn't even know if it was me or not. It probably wasn't. Still funny to me that he might not recognize me? It's not like I ever actually dyed my hair blue or anything. Oh well. Giggles.

Is it weird that I want to best friends with everyone? I think I'm too social for my own good and should take a leaf out of someone else's book and stay in my room more often. I just, I think sometimes that I am spreading myself thin in my attempts to know literally everyone. It's never going to happen, but I still want to know you! I sometimes wonder if people think that I'm faking my enthusiasm or something, but it's legit, I honestly love meeting new people and spending time with others. I should simply do my homework more often. I'll work on that.

The cd is almost over, sadly, but I have to have to HAVE TO read now, so I must turn it off. Goodbye beautiful voice. :(

routine, welcome

It's a new year. Classes started again on Wednesday, and I must say, I'm happy to be back. It's a new start. Even though it is familiar, being a sophomore is peculiar indeed. Transition is still inevitable, change is still definite, yet things are the same. I recognize the faces, the street signs, the desks. I like it this way. I know the lingo and the schedule and the football cheers, but I'm meeting new people, learning new things.

My summer, to sum it up... was hectic. Stressful. Much too short. I'm glad to be back here with people that I know and love, and I'm so very thankful that I actually made it out to the west coast to see some of my friends. I definitely enjoyed myself and all of the time I spent with them. It was sad to add some people to the list of those that I no longer want to stay in contact with, but for the most part, I still love the P-town kids. I ended up driving 16 hours straight from Spokane to Fargo in order to get home Friday before noon, and I am still a little exhausted, but it was worth it.

I wonder though, is it wrong to hold on? I want so badly to have the same relationships I once had. I want for people to not have changed, to still be the people that I knew them to be. Some of the changes were for the better, but others... I no longer have anything in common with a lot of the people that I used to spend so much time with. I hate having to let them go though, because I always wonder "what if" and it drives me crazy.

Moments like these are those in which I praise God for his faithfulness. His constancy. I thank Him for the fellowship and the love of the people around me. As I'm sitting here in my new apartment, I'm listening to music, making plans for lunch dates and looking over my schedule. It amazes me how busy I've become. All of the time is going to school, and Student Impact - related things. I'm so excited for this year. However, I literally have to schedule time for everything. This weekend, my goals are to :

A) make a budget for my money. Calculate rent/food/income/etc
B) make a study schedule, otherwise, I'm swamped
C) re-arrange / finish unpacking all of my things, tidy up
D) go to the football game, and have a grand ole time with my fellow Badgers

do you believe in love?

I do. I have found reason to go back to believing in dreams and knights in shining armor. After this spring and all the drama, I'm so grateful to see that chivalry is alive and well in the world. It makes me really wonder though, about the future. I suppose I'm simply curious. I'm young, and I've most certainly never been in love. Yet, "happily ever after" is definitely something that I daydream about. (According to SRL, your brain thinks of either future or past 70% of the time. I guess we aren't really "here and now" very often). When I daydream about it, it makes me think of the different songs I've heard. All of the things - the poems, the stories, the lyrics - dedicated to love. I think of all of the songs that catch my attention, this one wins hand down at being my favorite as far as cuteness. I love the Beatles. They were (and are for the two still living) brilliant. Bloody brilliant. Someday, it would be nice if someone thought this, in regards to me.

I've just seen a face
I can't forget the time or place
where we just met
she's just the girl for me and
I want all the world to see we've met

Had it been another day
I might have looked the other way
and I'd have never been aware
but as it is I'll dream of her tonight

return to routine

I'm ditching my "travel blog" and coming back to this. It makes sense, because I'm no longer abroad, so I guess that thing will just sit there until I go somewhere else, and there'll be this huge time gap in between the posts. Whatever though.

I was thinking about my plan to go on a roadtrip back to P-town with my brother next week. I must admit, I'm very excited about it. It will be a good chance to hang out with Mich, and I haven't been there for an entire year, and I miss everyone. Or, at least, I miss enough people to make it worth my time to go; I don't miss everyone. That would be ridiculous. When I first decided to go to Turkey, I realized that I would miss out on this roadtrip that we had been planning for a few months, and I was terribly sad about it. Even though I'm home early from Turkey, which was unexpected, I love how perfectly it worked out that we can still go.

Thinking about everyone back on the west coast, it makes me wonder if anyone else thinks of me. It's not that I want to make people think about me, and I don't want to be all "oh my gosh, I'm soo cool, people always think about me" or anything stupid like that. I'm simply just curious. There are days when I'll see a picture of someone, and I spend a significant amount of time wondering what they've been up to for the past few years, and how they are, etc. I guess I'm just curious about how other peoples' minds work and what they think of when they see a picture from years ago or something.

I have a few more days of chilling and doing nothing here in the Midwest until I go halfway cross the country to see people that make me smile. If you are reading this, and you didn't know that I was going to be there and you want to hang out, call me. I'd love to see you. :)

health care

This has nothing to do with Turkey, so I reverted for the moment back to my normal blog. As I was reading the Economist today, I noticed an article on Obama + Health Care. And my absolute favorite part says "He also mentioned taxing the rich more heavily to make up the rest." If you know me at all, you'll realize how extremely sarcastic the italic words are. Seriously, I hate that. People always bitch about things being "fair" but I don't understand how that would ever be fair. Yeah, hey, good idea, let's punish the few smart people who are actually bright enough and determined enough to make something out of themselves. Thanks America. Just one more reason for me to never want to be rich.

"Now, if you happen to be one of those highly motivated souls who wants to “get ahead”, you can only get ahead so far before you run headlong into the Obama wall of class warfare that turns the most apathetic against the the most success driven and are penalized and forced to share that which you had predestined to only be for your kids. I am not speaking of the generosity that we should all express to those around us and far afield. I am pointing out that it has always been your decision to do as you pleased with what was really yours. Now, you have to pull others up who still refuse to walk and insist that you carry them. All of a sudden, it has become evil to get rich."

Well said Mr. Steven Clark Bradley, well said indeed. I agree, wholeheartedly.

On another note, equally rant-y, this really pisses me off - "But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby.” Obama, talking about his daughters, and how he wants to repeal the Defense of Marriage Act. He says he wants to teach his young daughters about morals and values... yet he wants them to have a back up plan, you know, just in case they screw around. I'm sorry dude, but if you do it right, I'm 100 percent freaking living proof that the girls won't have to end up pregnant. Maybe you should work on parenting. If they have a baby, there is little chance I feel sorry for them, because having sex was their choice. There doesn't need to be a back up plan if you just realize the consequences of what you're doing. Maybe we should teach kids to accept responsibility instead of run away from it. But I suppose that's simply my opinion, and when I'm against the president... well then, how could I possibly be right? Hah. Yeah. Whatever.

past truths

are now complete lies. Let me clear this up.

I hate small towns.
I loathe country music.

The end.

I simply freaking want my books back.

hey, guess what?

I'm in Turkey. Killer awesome. Things are going well. Technically, I'm only taking care of one kid, however, I end up watching a lot of them. They're cute, so I don't mind. :)

so like...14 ?

Hours to go. orsomethinglikethat. I'm exhausted. And I need to sleep. But hey - 11 hour plane ride? I think I'll live long enough to completely crash on that. I'm super stoked, and a smidge nervous.

pick a name

Byzantium. Constantinople. ISTANBUL.

No matter which one you pick, it's still the same. Largest city in Turkey. And my home, starting Monday, until the end of summer.

I get my adventure after all. I couldn't be more excited.

WHOO-HOO!!!

jinxed

It seems to me that every time I say "Hey, I'm ditching to go do _____" it never happens. That makes me really sad, and it makes me not want to declare that I'm doing anything, until I'm already in the process of doing it. Like the time I said "Hey, I'm going to Belgium" - it didn't work out. Or the time that I said "Hey, I'm going to DisneyWorld." Or the time I said "Hey, I like you." Or anything else for that matter.

Therefore. Until I have a plane ticket, in my hands, I say nothing. Otherwise, with my luck, I'll actually be working at Walgreens all summer. Which is totally lame.

adventure awaits

I might just get out of here yet. Oh. My. GOSH.

'twould be useful

once in awhile to be male...

I have one major issue with being a female, and it is this: a lot of the time, it isn't safe for me to be somewhere alone.

I quite hate it. It gets in the way more than I would like. There are some things that I simply cannot do alone. While sometimes it is extremely awesome to do things in pairs, or groups, I feel a little held back at other moments. I want to go explore the world, want to go do something, yet I simply know that I shouldn't. Maybe it wouldn't be such a problem if seemingly everyone I knew wasn't so... anti-adventure. Seriously. I'm a little bit sick of hearing the phrase "I can't." It isn't true, and the sooner everyone realizes it, the better, in my opinion. There's a huge difference between "I can't" and "I just don't want to." People keep using the excuse that they aren't "able", and it's draining. Everyone, myself included, has 24 hours in a day. We all are quite capable of doing all of the things that I suggest. However, if you are going to put other priorities first, that is your choice...but don't tell me that you can't, because it simply isn't true. Instead, you're choosing something else. At least have the guts to say so, please.

I wish that I knew more people that are willing to just go do. Instead of sitting. My life would be a bit more interesting, at the very least. I suppose, for now, I'll trek onwards, limited though I may be in my options. Dangnabit.

(Sorry bout the rant...)

leave if you get the chance

I've decided that I won't be at Wisconsin for the entirety of my education. I can't even think about staying there for four years straight. Yes, I love it, and I'm glad that I go there, but honestly, if I don't study abroad, if I don't get out of America, I'm going to go crazy, I swear it.

Why wouldn't I go if I get the chance? Seriously? I could spend a year in Jerusalem, learning Biblical history, going to ruins, learning Hebrew. Or I could spend a summer in Croatia, learning about the history of vampires. Come on now, this is cool. I could go to Belize and do digs for the old Mayan ruins. There's too much to do in this life, in this world.

I have finally found what I love love love more than anything as far as school is concerned. Ancient History, hands down. I spent like two hours the other day, watching a National Geographic special on a new theory about the way the pyramids are built. And, I bought a series of ancient history dvds when I was at Costco yesterday...I may be a nerd, but I don't really care. It's just so interesting! Did you know how brilliant the Greeks were? Seriously. They have a amphitheater, that still works today, and you can hear a coin drop in the center of the stage from the very top of the seats. That's impressive. Or did you know that the steps of the Parthenon aren't actually straight across? They actually drop off a little bit, so that from far away, it seems as if they're perfectly straight. They knew a thing or two about perspective, I'd say. Or, the fact that in like... the times of King Henry VIII, baths weren't that normal, but that the ancient Greeks had running water, and toilets?

See what I mean? Intrigue. I could read forever.

On a more reckless note, I'm saving this summer so that I can go skydiving for my birthday in the fall. And, I'm getting certified (finally!) to go scuba diving. Freaking awesome. I can't wait.

exhale

it's all over.

i wish that i had saltines

because Triscuits don't go nearly as well with chili as saltines do...

I have an exam in a little less than 12 hours. Zoology 101, can die for all I care, honestly. I hate science, and I want nothing more to do with it. However, it's my only final, and then I'm completely done with my freshman year. What a crazy though, a little less than 14 hours, and the entire thing is over with. I probably should've been studying for this exam for the past week or so, but I wasn't. What else is new? But, on a bright side, my religious studies paper went really well, in my opinion. I am quite happy with it, and honestly, even if I get a bad grade (though I don't think that I will), I'm not so sure that I'll mind, because I had a good time researching it, and writing it. I'm quite impressed with myself. I wrote a 10-page paper, in a span of 13 hours. It was pretty epic. I stayed up waaaay too late, but it worked out splendidly.

So, I'm officially enrolled for Hebrew, instead of French next semester. Excited? You bet! I may get out of here for a year yet. :)

my mouse is green

So, I have this terrible procrastination issue. Literally, I started researching for my paper 3 weeks ago, yet I have not written a single word for the actual paper. Somehow, my brain keeps telling me that I function best under pressure, and therefore, apparently, I keep putting it under pressure so that I can actually get things done. I should've done this a long long time ago, yet here I sit, in Steenbock, finally. The paper is due in...about three days. I'm sitting here, downloading all of the Copeland cds that I borrowed from Josh (thank you) and I'm extremely nervous about attempting to put down all of these thoughts down into the form of an essay.

That being said, while my brain is on one hand absolutely freaking out, at the same time, it keeps saying "It'll be fine, this will be easy, you've done this before, don't worry." I can't help but be a bit worried by the constant reassurance.

Today was the last day of classes. Today, the end of my first year of college begins to come to a close. It no longer is a far-off ordeal, instead, I shall be completely done within 5 days. It's so soon, so real. It'll be strange to go home for the summer, but I know that it is where I'm supposed to be for the next few months. There are a few people that I really need to talk to from back home. There are some things that I need to get done.

I think the strangest thing I realized this year is simply how many opportunities there are. Honestly, they're limitless if you think about it. I mean, one second, I think I'm going to catch a plane and go to Belgium, the next, I'm a leader for next fall. And then, out of almost nowhere, I consider rushing a sorority. Then I hear talk of there being a club soccer team next year, in which case, of course I want to play. Now? I'm looking into going to Israel my junior year to study abroad. There's so much to do in this world, and I don't for a second want to miss any of it.

The Israel thing is pretty legit though...I switched out my French class next semester, and instead, I shall take Hebrew. Excited? Of course I am. I'll spend part of the summer filling out scholarships so that I can afford to go, because honestly, this is something that I have wanted forever. I've always loved history, archaeology. But Biblical studies? In Israel? Oh my gosh, could things get better?

I am staying off of this blog until finals are over (aka Wed, 10:00 am). Kind of like I'm not watching LOST again until then either...that one'll be hard. But I have a paper that I really need to start, and finish. So, until then, good luck with all of your studies, and I hope that your day was as awesome as mine was. :) Au revoir.

we go to extremes

So my friend and I got stuck in this deal. And now we might possibly dye our hair blue. I'm not sure that I really have words for this, because though I wanted to do something extreme this summer, I think this is a little bit ridiculous. I mean, yeah, I'm kinda all for it, because it will be hilarious, and different. But really, blue? Oh my gosh, what did I get myself into? Haha, whoops.

I would agree with Logan

"You jump I jump Jack" is so true. We're young, we're alive now, so let's live, please.

almost over

Freshman year is quickly coming to a close, and it brings strange emotions with it. I only have 3 more weeks of classes. The countdown has been going on, but it's finally sinking in. This is almost over. I can barely believe it, because I remember so vivdly just starting school this year, and now, it's only a memory? Seriously? I hate time so so much. I hate how things can change so drastically in such a short amount of time. People come and go, things happen, it's one of my least favorite things, but I realize that it is also one of my greatest teachers. 

There was so much that I wanted to accomplish this year. And honestly, a lot of things never happened, never got close. However, a lot of things that I didn't expect, and some things that I wouldn't have dreamed did happen, and I'm so thankful for those. 

I am going to enjoy this summer more than past ones I'm guessing. It will be longer, which is nice, but beyond that, it'll be very different. I need a break from this. As much as I love school and the people, and everything connected to it, I just need a break from it all. From the pressure, and the being horribly broke, and the terrible food. I need to chill, and that's what I plan on doing. I have a few things that I need to do, but for the most part, I am going to detox from freshman year. I'm looking forward to these next few weeks, but I think I'll be glad to see them end. I need something new so that I can forget some things. 

I finally made a decision...and I feel like it was the right one. I don't regret having to give up something, but it makes me sad nonetheless. It would've been amazing. There was a point a few months back when I would've thought about how this decision would affect other things, but I don't have to worry about that anymore, and it's a huge relief in all honesty. 

A friend of mine recently saw someone from her past. I think that after this weekend, I can totally relate to that feeling of pain. While it was a great thing for me to get out of the dorms and be off campus, last night...man. My surroundings brought back a recent memory, one that I wish I could just get rid of. I bet that it will always be around when I come back here, and I wish that it weren't so. I want to just rid myself of everything connected to it, but it's going to be harder than I thought.

I fell a lot harder than I thought I would. It makes me wonder what the future holds. But hopefully, this will all go away soon. It is almost over, right? Let's pray for a new dawn. The good news is that this is true... and that we can be glad in Him no matter what. It can be hard, but it's more than worth it.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is Gods will for you in Christ Jesus."

sunshine on my shoulder

I have a friend who would say she knows exactly what this blog is about because of the title. Yeah, yeah, it's nice out. Woot. Doesn't make it any less awesome in my opinion. :)

I should be writing a paper. Well, I should've already written said paper. I'm wanting to sleep and read and do nothing else for the rest of the semester, but that won't happen. I have an exam tonight, and I hope it goes well. I'm mostly prepped, but I definitely could study more.

I've been sitting in the TLC for a few hours now, going over note cards, reading my classnotes. It's getting cold and dark in here when I compare it to the outside world. 70 and sunny is my kind of spring, and I wish that it wasn't going away anytime soon, but it's supposed to rain next week. However, I'm better off here than in say, ND (for more than one reason), but mainly because of the ridiculous flooding that I keep hearing about. That's insaaaaane. I'd rather be here though than almost anywhere at the time being, because this is where I know that I am supposed to be, as cheesy as that might sound. I love school here, and while I wish that school mostly consisted of chilling with my friends and playing volleyball, I guess once in awhile I'm able to suck it up and do my homework. Like, today for example.

In 4 hours this whole test thing will be over with. I shall be able to strike one more thing off of my crazy list of to-dos, and I shall enjoy my night at Cru, as usual. Woot. I'm stoked for life, but I usually am I suppose. God is just, well, He's doing amazing things and I am overjoyed. I hope that you are as well.

bothersome

It's always annoying when people give me advice, and I know that they're right, but I don't want to listen. However, I probably will. I know that it's for the best.

A part of me still wants to tell her. I would personally want to know, if I were her. But at the same time, it's totally not my place. Ugh, decisions. Why do I have so many of them to make all of a sudden?

On a fun note, you should totally watch College Life on MTV. Yeah, freshmen at UW-Madison. Killer. I'm excited to watch it. It starts tomorrow!

light a match, watch it burn

those nights

I remember when we used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad
From trying to solve all the problems we're going through
Forget 'em all
Cause on those nights we would stand and never fall
Together we faced it all

Remember when we'd stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the tv light
Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive
[Skillet]

I love and hate memories. It always makes me kind of sad to be nostalgic, because I remember all of the good times, and for a moment, it feels like it won't ever be like that again. Even if it's for a moment, and no longer, it's a terrible feeling. Looking back and remembering all of the laughs, all of the joy with people, and knowing that it might not happen like that in the future...well honestly, it sucks. And yet, I realize how fortunate and how blessed I am to have so many wonderful memories, of friends/family. Road trips. Summer. Camping. Late night talks. Friends.

Then I stop and think about the future. Not that I want time to speed by, but I do look forward to all the things that will happen in the next days/weeks/months/years. I'm about 90% sure that I've made a decision. I think I know what I need to do this summer, and next year. I'm just going to trust God with it all, and follow where He's leading. I'd be stupid to try to fight it. Even if this isn't how I thought things would be, you know what? It's okay. I need to be reminded that I'm not in charge at all, and if this is how it works, then I'm all for it.

I hope that you are happy with your choices. I am with mine, and I pray that everyone has such peace about things. Have a fantastic Easter weekend, and remember why we celebrate it, how much it cost.

one small deed

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

You know, right now, I have no idea what I'm doing. I have a huge decision to make, and I don't know what to do. All I know is that God has it covered, and I'm uber thankful for that. I pray for guidance, because I really need it right now. Pretty much all I'm doing this weekend is praying, and studying. As annoying as the work situation is, I am really glad right now that I'm not at home. I don't know if that would've been a good idea. I think I'll be better off here. I need quiet, and seclusion.

Praise God for the peace and calm that He's given me. I think if this had happened to me last year, I would've gone crazy. I wouldn't have been able to function. However, as it is, I'm strangely, okay. I mean, yeah, it isn't cool. No, I don't think it was handled the right way. But somehow, it honestly doesn't bother me. It did for about two seconds when I first heard, and then I realized that there are more things in life that are worth my energy. God, for example. School. Fellowship. Now is not the right time, and I'm thankful for being able to see that.

Today was amazing, and eventful. God was nice enough to let us have some sun, for once. :P
And, some kind soul was amazing enough to turn in my ipod after I left it in Grainger yesterday. Whoever you are, thank you thank you thank you. It means a lot to me.

I need to sleep. Thinking takes up too much energy. But, at least, on the bright side, it takes up less energy than moping, which I haven't done in awhile, and I refuse to do now. Killer.

achieve

part 3

of three. The end.

!!!!!!!

no way, no way, no way. I love life, it's such an adventure. Guess who is getting back onto the Belgium train? Oh, yeah, that would be me. How awesome will this be? I mean, what's really holding me back? I found a way to take UW credits online, that actually pertain to my life/major/interests. I only have to be a part time student in order to keep my loans deferred. I could be gone for six months, a little more than a semester. I could be in Brussels. Honestly, I'm insane, still, if I don't go. Why on earth wouldn't I? I thought that I wanted to stay here for people, for the whole UW-fall stuff, for TCX, for football season. And yeah, I do. I would love that. I loved that this past year. But really? It will always be here. I wouldn't lose any school time because I'd take classes. And I'd be in Europe. I'd be lying to myself if I said that I didn't think I should go.

I just have to talk to my advisor to make sure the credits work, and talk to Pamela about how I'm getting there/when, and talk to the people I am supposed to be living with, find myself a replacement for a semester, which I think I already have, and work out my contract with the owner. This would be really, really simple. Huzzah. I might get my butt over to Europe after all.

well then, tell me how

I come across. I talked to a guy today, that I run into literally everywhere. I don't know how, but he continues to show up. And at one point today, I told him about Big Break, and about how I was ecstatic to talk to people about God's love. I told him that yes, I'm a Christian, and I'm in no way ashamed of calling myself one. I do indeed believe that Christ came, died, was resurrected, and did it to cover all of our sin. I do call Him my savior. Yes, I do go to church, and most of my free time revolves around Cru.

And he tilted his head, with a strange look in his eyes, and told me that he never would've guessed. That I didn't strike him as a "churchy" kind of person. He asked me if I were a "Bible thumper" to which I replied that, no, I won't sit there and yell at you, judging you. I'm not going to spout Bible verses at you, condemning you. He told me that he appreciated my not doing such things. I asked him that if he didn't think I was the type to do all sorts of "God-related stuff" then, what was the type? Who does he assume does that? Could he describe them? He was unable to put his thoughts into words, but I'm always curious.

What do most people assume the "Typical Christian" looks like? How do they act? How does the average person stereotype people as soon as they hear the word "Christian" ? I want to find a way to make it obvious that there's something different about the way I live. That there's something more to my existence. I pray that I radiate God's love, and that my life reflects the changes that I've undergone in the past years. To go back to the message from yesterday, I want to be the moon.

Keep me accountable? Tell me how I'm doing.

the moon

has no light of its own, yet we see the moonlight shine so clearly from where we stand. It's a ball of dirt, with no way to illuminate our paths, yet it does. Why? It shines because it reflects. The sun shines ever so brightly, and the moon simply reflects its radiance.

This is how we should be. We are nothing; we are balls of dirt. Yet, our job is to not try to be the sun, because such a thing is impossible. Instead, we are to reflect. We are to shine Christ's love. We are to let it illuminate our souls and our lives, shining for all to see. How brilliant of a metaphor is this? I was so amazed by it this morning at Blackhawk. Watch it. It was so cool. Or listen to the song "You Are The Sun" by Sara Groves.

http://www.blackhawkchurch.org/media_handlers/show_sermon.php?id=452&size=large

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
(2 Corinthians 3:18)

We aren't diamonds; we aren't mirrors; we aren't good reflectors.

We're balls of dirt.

...like the moon. But we can reflect His glory, his love, and his beauty.

I challenge you today to shine. Show people His love. Show them His grace. Show them His mercy. Reflect, and illuminate the world around you. Let us glorify the Creator of this world, for He is glorious.

fairytales and knights

in shining armor do exist. I grew up believing in fairytales. In happily ever-after. It's definitely a part of my being, something that I want and desire. In recent years/months, what have you, I had all but given up on it. I had traded in my dreams for rationality, and the idea of being "realistic." My passions and dreams were pushed aside for something that I thought would... what, help me do "better" in life? Keep me satisfied? No, no longer. Seriously. I refuse to simply "get by" or "make it through" because we are meant for so much more.

I just picked up, started, and finished When Dreams Come True, by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It was simply gorgeous. So God-inspired. So...perfect. This world will tell you to throw away your beliefs, your morals, your ideals. Give yourself away for acceptance. Honestly, how many times will we be told? "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?" (Mark 8:36)

We will only ever be happy in Him. Fulfilled, in Him. Not in a kiss, not in a friendship, but in Christ alone. Everything we do should revolve around Jesus. All things should be built upon our relationship with him. Like the song - On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

What a romance. To be romanced by the Creator of the universe. To trust Him to put someone in your life. To let Him write your love story. I can't see anything better. I can't imagine anything better.

being in charge

sucks. Trying to plan a trip...sucks. This is way too complicated to even be fun at the moment. And I hate that the entire thing is hanging on a few things. I wish we could just figure it out. I really, really, really want to go away this summer. To not be at home. To run away, for awhile, and just have fun with some good friends. I really hope that it works out.

i found it

The classes that make me go "NO WAY! That's a class? Can I take it? Please?" Mwahahaha. Awesome. I'm excited, to say the least. I think I'm going to officially switch my major, and do what I love doing. It might be harsh attempting to convert it into a career someday, but really, I have no doubt that God gave me this passion for a reason, and I have no doubt that He's got it figured out. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do something that I don't feel called to do. What a waste of a passion. Classes that I enjoy and find interesting, are in my near future. Woot, times a million. I bet you that you can guess what kinds of things they are about.

It's not about the money. Nursing, it was nice knowing you. But I'm going to have to bid you adieu, I do believe. No hard feelings.

...

tonight is not a good night to have homework to finish. Crap, crap, crap. My heart is racing, and I don't want to think about Ed Psych anymore.

everything

I remember the last time I saw this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVJqRLU3J0I.
I was sitting on my couch, on the 2nd of January of this year, with a friend. We were going through youtube videos, laughing at the ridiculousness of Improv Everywhere. He then typed "Everything Lifehouse Skit" in, and this came up. I had seen it before, but I know that it made me tear up.

I watched it again today, and it was so powerful. I mean, it brought back the all too fresh memories from watching it that night, but that aside, it made me stop, and just sit here. It is so, man, I'm lacking words again. There aren't enough, or the right enough adjectives to describe it for me. Christ is so beautiful, and so loving, and so strong. And this skit? It's such a good depiction of us. We go through hell on Earth, and we go running back to Him, realizing that He's all we need. He's all that we could ever want in this world. He is literally everything. It convicts me because I know that my life is not nearly as Christ-centered as I would want it to be. However, even though that's true, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.

Even though in the past few weeks, I've felt more alone than I have since moving, I know that He will never let me down. He will never abandon me. He will be beside me every step of the way, even if I don't know where I'm going. I don't mind being blindfolded if he leads me, because I trust that it's where I need to go.

It's hard though, because for me to actually realize and understand how much I need him, I have to keep getting smashed, broken. I have to be let down, or hurt. I have to be shown that I have no real control over my life anyway. It sucks, to be broken. Yet, through these moments, I've learned so much. And I'm getting better at forgiving, and at realizing that there's a reason for every bad thing that happens in my life. I trust in the plan that I can't see.

one year six months

I feel like I should apologize for all the word vomit that occurs on my blog. I probably should (and will) stop that soon.

I went to an advising session this morning. I sat and listened to all of the prereqs for how to get into the School of Nursing, listened to the discussion about grades and how it'll be hard. My advisor said something along the lines of "It's difficult, but if it's something you really want, you can do it. This goal can be achieved, you can get in." As I sat there, absorbing all that she was saying, I realized that I'm not so sure. Ask Sky, and he'll tell you my doubt, and my inability to make a decision is nothing new. But oh, how I hate it.

I had walked into the session with this girl, who was so excited. She turned to me and said that she was excited to have classes in the hospital, in the HLSC here on campus. She said that she couldn't wait. I asked her why, because, that's two years from now, assuming we get into the program. And then she told me all about how this has been her dream for years. Her grandparents graduated from UW. She has multiple family members who are nurses. And she went on to talk about how the UW nursing program is the best around, and that this is all that she wants. She wants to graduate from UW and be a nurse. It made her excited, just to talk about it.

That's not me. I'm not excited. I think of becoming a CNA, or of simply going through clinicals my junior year, and a part of me dies. I'm not that person that wants to teach adaptive fitness classes at the NAT, or teach kids in the D.R how to speak English. I don't want to be in charge of the ANA here at school. I don't wake up excited to go volunteer at the hospital. If this isn't something that I get joy out of, should I be doing it?

I feel like I'm a terrible person, honestly. As if my not being a nurse, is coping out. Am I capable of becoming a nurse? Yes. Am I capable of actually working hard and getting in, and making it through? Yes. But do I want to? I don't think so. I'm not even trying, honestly. I love all of the classes I have, that have nothing to do with nursing. I love history. I love French. I love psych. I love English. I loathe(d) chemistry and zoology. But the ones that I actually need as prereqs, I'm not putting effort into. As if, subconsciously, I want to somewhat fail so that I won't get in and therefore won't have to be a nurse.

I feel obligated to want to help people. I want to be a peppy, shining light. But am I called to do this? Do I feel like it's something that I should be doing for the rest of my life? Honestly, I have no idea. A huge part of me doesn't think so. I feel like I'm in it for the wrong reasons. The pros of becoming a nurse are huge. It would be pretty stable. I could go anywhere, because people need health care everywhere. I could do all of these amazing things with it, go on missions, make a difference. Help. But really, is it the only way that I can help? Wouldn't it be better for me to love what I'm doing, and actually enjoy waking up in the morning?

Right now, I really really, really wish I could call you. Ask you how you came to a conclusion. Ask for advice. Ask how you figured it out, how you went through it all and ended up with what you wanted. I hate that I can't. I wish you could help me. Offer support.

I think all I can do at the moment, is pray about it. I'm only through the first year, but I don't want to go down this path of prereqs for something I'm not sure about. I don't want to do it if it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.

70 more minutes

until I have to take another exam. Man, do I ever hate midterms. I've been going over and over my notes for hours, looking at my flashcards, reading stuff, doing problems. I hope it goes well. If it doesn't, at least I get to go to Cru directly afterwards, which is always a blessing, and a highlight. I'm gonna say screw sleeping tonight, and I'm going to the firehouse. I need to have some fun, because life has been dreary since coming back from Florida. This weather needs to shape up and get back to Spring. It's pretty much April, and the clouds just are not making me happy at the moment.

I need food, because I'm almost out of anything tasty in my room. I should go buy groceries, but I'm not going to. I'll find a way to live for awhile longer, and then start eating the paper that is in my printer. :) Obviously, I'm exaggerating. However, I'm getting really sick of cereal, and soup. But they're so cheap. Blah. I want a bagel, but I have 7 cents on my food card, and no cash. I need to go to the bank, but I'm the biggest bum in the entire world, so of course I don't have the will power to trek over there. And I don't have my bike back yet, even though I was supposed to get it back this week. Silly cousin.

AHHHHHH! Test. I have to go. This is painful. Lame. Socks.

distractions up the wazoo

Goodness gracious, nothing was accomplished yesterday. However, I realized that some more friends of mine have Skype, and therefore wasted several hours chatting with them, rather than finishing my paper, which, I might add...is not yet finished. Due in two hours. Then I am skipping class, meeting with Katie, skipping class again, going to ballroom/discussion, then napping/cramming for a Zoo exam. If I don't do well, I think I might have to just about die, and throw my laptop off of the Lucky building just to get rid of Skype. I can't believe I stayed up as late as I did.

I can't wait until tomorrow....when I can, oh, wait, I can't sleep. Ish. I am sleeping in Saturday. And then going to work. And not doing freaking anything all day Sunday either. Screw school. I'm gonna sleep until semester is over, I'm exhausted right now, in so many different ways.

I just have to finish my conclusion, and then I'm done. Boo. I want to go back to bed. 20 more minutes, then I sleep for two hours. Woot. Finish, then NAP. I'm dying over here.

curses

I'm going to fail. I'm already failing, as I type this. All I want is to curl up in a ball on my bed. Sleep for hours, days. Go home and do the same thing. I don't want to do school right now. I can't do school right now. This paper is going to be the death of me. I want to watch a movie, but not pay attention; I want to stare blankly at the screen. I can't focus. I have no idea where to begin, and as soon as I start to think about it, I get sucked back into thinking about how much I hate today, and everything connected with it.

I cut off my TCX bracelet. It wasn't that it was bothering me. It wasn't that I wanted to give up and let Spence win. I just couldn't keep it on. Kind of like I'm planning on burning the program page from when I heard girls sing in some strange language. I don't want it. I want to watch it shrivel. I don't want to play Signs. I don't want anything to do with anything, I literally just want to hide under my blankets and sleep. I think this is funny, because I am like, the most sentimental person ever. I scrapbook. I have a box at home filled with things that remind me of events, people, whatever. I keep so many worthless things because they have sentimental value. Right now? I want nothing more than to get rid of everything.

Every letter I type on this is another moment wasted where I'm not doing all the things that I need to get done. This bites. I talked to SRL today, and for a brief moment, I considered actually asking him for his papers for his religious study class. I could've easily taken/modified/used them, and made a great paper. I don't believe in cheating, but I was really really close. I know that I would've gotten away with it, because he lives in another state, goes to a different university. But gosh, I would've felt terrible. Yet despite knowing it is not the way to do things, I felt a voice saying "You wouldn't have to stay up all night, you wouldn't have to freak out, you could just go to bed..." and it was SO tempting. Alas, I have to actually write a paper. This is going to be the worst night ever. It's already one of the worst days ever, so heck, it might as well continue.

I'm proud of myself

even if it kills me. *deep exhale* it's 2:10, and before tomorrow morning, I have to write another 5/6 page paper for my religious studies class. And I have a midterm tomorrow night. So here I sit, caged once again on the 4th floor of Memorial Library. I love this. Isolation. I can't focus though, even though it's quiet and still all around me. My mind is whirring. As accomplished as I feel for going through with everything that I just did...I still am so surprised that I had the willpower to do it. I had to do it before I had second thoughts, for sure. I hate that things always ask you "Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure. That's why I pushed "remove" in the first place. That's why I pushed "block" and "delete." ...because I'm sure.

The delete button is powerful. It has essentially removed you from every way we were connected. And I don't regret it, because this will be way less painful. I sent another piece of mail today, and I'm sure it will be the last one. I think the best thing to do is look forward instead of into the past. To go on as if I'm not affected. To look into the future and realize that:

I'm 19. I'm a freshman in college. I bounce back quickly. I'm not phased.

Even if these words aren't completely true, I'm going to believe them until they are. I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to admit to anything. It's no longer my move, because I have made every move that I possibly could.

...I realize that I'm often vague, and that I'm always talking about specific things without using specific ways to describe them. I apologize. Chances are, you have no clue what I'm talking about, and if you do, we've probably talked about it before. If we've talked about it before, we've probably talked about it extensively, and you probably know exactly what I'm saying. And if that's true, thanks for always listening, and for giving me input.

Essentially, here's another song. Pretty much my life recently. Just, don't continue with the song, because the rest of it doesn't apply. Only this part does.

"Why do you build me up, buttercup baby
just to let me down, and mess me around?
And then worst of all, you never call
baby, when you say you will."

I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to re-buy Irresistible Revolution & Becoming the Answer to our Prayers. That just sucks, because I'm broke.

sweet music

says what I think so much better than I ever could. I love it. I wish I was talented like this, wish I could write music/lyrics. Poetry. Not my skills, for sure. I love Snow Patrol.

"My bones ache my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine"

"Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words"

And Taylor Swift. White Horse/Love Story/Breathe have definitely been on my iPod recently. Lyrics are awesome. And I have a new repeat song. Thank you emcee Shelby. Crush by David Archuleta is now officially stuck in my head. And probably will be for days.

Megara

I won't say it. I won't even entertain the idea that at one point I thought it was true, that it could be. It isn't. I'm too annoyed, and therefore, I'm defensive. Defensive to the point of probably being irritating to everyone around me. I want to go back to the sunshine, because this rain is not helping. But I put on a smile anyway, because actually, life is good, and I still see so many blessings, and so much love everywhere, so much hope. I can't decide if I should mope, or if I should take things as they are, and realize that I learned something, and that somehow, it will work out for the best. I know that it's true, that there's a purpose to it all, but at the moment, I can't see it. Yet I refuse to doubt that there's a purpose, because God has been so faithful in my life. He has shown how perfect his timing is, over and over again. I'm not going to think that this time, He's done something wrong. He hasn't.

Gosh, sometimes I swear I'm bipolar. I mean, I'm not, and I know that I'm not, but still...
I thank God for pen and paper, for online journals, for word documents, for any outlet I have to think through life. I don't know what I would do without them sometimes.

it's been long enough

I give up. Give in. Throw in the towel. Say whatever you want. I can't sit here anymore and wait. I hate that I'm doing this, but at the same time, I honestly don't know what else I could possibly do. I have no other alternative. I'm done trying. As much as it breaks my heart, I can't think of anything else. I don't know. I just can't sit here and wait for you to maybe talk to me or not. I'm not going to beg you to stick around. I'm sorry. Yet, I feel as though I shouldn't be the one apologizing. Maybe someday I'll know why, maybe someone will give me insight. But at the moment, I'm going crazy, and I can't stand it. I'm done asking "Why?" because I never get a response. There's nothing that I can do to change the situation. I wanted to talk, but having a one-sided conversation isn't getting much accomplished.

This is such a familiar feeling. I hate that I know exactly what this feels like, and that it continues to come up. Oh, fun stuff. I guess I learn to deal, and it's simply another reminder that I need to rely upon God, and trust in Him, instead of people. This is a reoccuring theme in my life...maybe I just haven't gotten it yet. I can't help but wonder about how this happened though, because it will probably always flabbergast me. It still doesn't make sense. It just, has gotten to a point where I can't see how it can get better anymore, and that just kills me. This is turning out to be a huge lose-lose situation, and it sucks. I wish I could rewind. I wish I could go back in time. Maybe I could've done things differently, and it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe I wouldn't feel like somehow I screwed everything up. I continue to analyze everything that I've done, and I still can't see where/when everything changed.

A part of me is really surprised that I let myself even hope for the last few weeks. I feel so incredibly stupid right now. So naive. So used. It isn't fun at all. I don't know why I let it last this long, when it ended up hurting me more, the longer I let it. Maybe the best thing to do is simply forget that it ever happened. I don't want to, but I can't think of how else to get over it. Change up the pictures on my wall, yet again. I disappoint myself.

I'm sorry. A part of me wishes you were too. I guess this is goodbye. I wish it weren't. Maybe it's not, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath.

wow, i got burned

but I don't really care. I'm back from Florida, and I must say, that it was even more amazing than I thought it would ever be. I absolutely adore everyone that I got to spend the last week with, and I feel so blessed to know all of them, and to have had the opportunity to get to know them better. It was a brilliant week. I am more broke than ever before, and my legs hurt from how red/burned they are, but it doesn't phase me. The Lord worked wonders while we were in PCB, and I'm so thankful. It was beautiful outside for the majority of the week, and 75 and sunny in Florida beats 50 and sunny here in Madtown any day. It was a great time wearing shorts and tank tops and actually swimming in the ocean. The beautiful weather for sure gave us plenty of opportunity to talk to people, which was the point.

It was incredible to see how much craziness was going on. MTV, beer pong on the beach, conversations with people that were drunk/high/some combination. Yet, through all of that, God helped us to have some fantastic conversations with people, about Him, and about His Son, and about His love. I wouldn't have dreamed it was possible, but people (for the most part) were so open, and so receptive, and so into listening to what we had to say. I had several people thank me for caring enough to talk to them. I saw them genuinely smile and talk to me with honesty. He works in wondrous ways.

Almost 1000 students came from all over to go to this conference to watch God change lives. I made some new friends (like I did at TCX) and on the beach, it was so encouraging to see our Cru kids. None of us were alone, ever. I found that I genuinely love good southern accents, and have started saying the word "beau" instead of "boy" because of Matt. Honestly, I could've listened to him talk for hours. He probably thought that I was trying to stalk him. Whoops. ;)

I'm so glad that I went on this trip. I doubted that I would be able to go out and share my faith with people. I thought that I would get rejected. I was holding onto this idea of needing others' approval, and before I got there, I was scared to death. As the week went on, I saw the Lord break down the barriers that I had put up, and it was so incredible. It no longer scares me. I realize that if I want to love people, I need to tell them why. Tell them why I'm so excited to be alive, tell them why I'm so happy to have this in my life. Share with them.

Penn (from Penn/Teller) said it the best. To paraphrase the video that Roger Hershey showed us: "If you honestly believe that there is a Heaven/Hell, and that what you know will get you there, how much do you have to hate someone to not tell them about it?" How tragic is that? How much do I hate them? I don't hate them! Then why aren't I telling them? Fear, most likely. But, with Christ, we can overcome that. Woot. How brilliant is that.

On a completely separate note, I think I've given up. Not that I want to. I really, really, really, don't want to. But at the moment, I can't see any other alternative. How am I supposed to know? And, I want Ovetchkin. Freaking A.

Anyway, I hope that you had a wonderful spring break. Or week in general if you weren't on break.
I <3 you.

i go to extremes

Now, it's almost 4:00 am. This is ridiculous. Why do I waste so much time? I could've finished this paper days ago, hours ago at the latest. No wonder I crash and burn.

I've also noticed that the time on the bottom of my blog always seems to be off by two hours. Strange. Well, all of them except this one, because I changed it so that it was correct. Not like it honestly matters, but whatevs.

panama city

The adventure starts tomorrow. Leaving Madtown tomorrow night, and going to somewhere warm for spring break. How fantastic. Yet, it's not a normal "I'm gonna sit on the beach and look cute and get tan" kind of spring break. It's even better! I will get to spend a week learning and growing. I will get to spend a week with some of my wonderful friends from here, and will get the opportunity to make new friends from around the country. I will get to spend a week focusing on God. How utterly fantastic.

I just have one request for you, whoever you are. Please pray for all of the people going on this trip, for our safe travels, etc. And please pray that whatever we say while we're roaming the beaches comes from God, not from us. Pray that we have the strength to go out and talk to people even though we're afraid or uncomfortable, and that we might impact people. I know that a lot of prayer goes into this project, and I'm simply asking you to be a part of it as well. We would all really appreciate it. :)

On a different note. It's 2:30 or so. This wouldn't have been strange a few weeks ago, but this is the latest I have stayed up in quite a while. I have a paper that's due in 6 hours, and yet my distractions haven't been people, so much as being kept busy with cleaning/packing/laundry. I wish I had taken the time to do this paper earlier. I wish that I stopped saying this every time I had a paper, and actually worked on it before hand.

My grades, and I suppose, essentially my future, all depend on things like this, and I am so nonchalant about them. As if they don't matter. I mean, they don't, but they do. It's so obnoxious. It's not even that this paper will be hard to write, it's simply that I have to write it that makes me upset. Bleh school.

wild at heart

Interestingly enough, just as page 164 in Captivating is legitly useful to my life, so is 114 in Wild at Heart. It's by the same guy, so this overlapping makes sense. It's weird to see it from this perspective. From a book that is meant for the men of this world. Of course I was going to read it though, because honestly, I have no idea why a girl wouldn't want to try to better understand. I can't be the only one who's ever been frustrated with how guys act. So, my new advice is, whether guy or girl, read Captivating, and Wild at Heart. They will probably give you insight.

I feel so naive right now. And so, ugh, I can't even describe this feeling. I'm lacking words. Like all of my actions don't affect, and yet also like I've wronged you in so many different ways. My life continues to give me stepping stones and new wisdom to try to cope with. Learning is good, I suppose. But it always sucks when you learn through failing, through epically failing.

"I want to tell you you can go on
that beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you and so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall"

[we all fall, Superchick]

it must be a phase

or something like that. Since when do I go out of my way to listen to a country song? Tyler would think I were lying if I called him right now. He would laugh.

(Oh my gosh. On a side note, I literally am sick. I'm basically coughing up a lung. I think my bus mates might kill me on Friday if I get them sick for spring break. This might be a potential problem. Ugh)

Anyway. Yeah, now I have three songs by Keith Urban? That I actually paid for, off of iTunes. What on earth, where the heck is this coming from? (No, don't answer that. I don't need an answer, I actually know...rhetorical question) And someone tell me why I care what happens on May 14. I seriously...I confuse myself. I don't make sense. I need to talk to my cousin. Maybe I'll call him soon. I should call him sooner rather than later, because later will not help me think through things. Later might be, too late, I suppose.

However, in two weeks or so, I feel like I will go back to completely loathing anything country. It wouldn't surprise me at this point, in all honesty. Apathy might be the norm for my reaction to the entire genre. I wish it weren't so, because I have gotten used to it. These songs have become the new obsession, and it will be hard to let them go. Aw, shucks.

page one hundred, sixty four

contains the sentences that I wish I had read before Christmas break. Perhaps things would be different. I finished Captivating today while sitting at the union for a few hours. Alone. Ignoring everything around me, like usual when I am completely taken in by a good book. I urge you to read it if you're a young woman. Or a female at all really. It is so honest. Parts of it struck me deeply, and I'm so thankful that my friend loaned it to me. Now, I'm going to pass it on.

If you ever get this book and read page 164 (or maybe the pages are different, in which case, it's in chapter nine, subtitle "single women") then you should come talk to me. You should come talk to me anyway, because I would love to hear from you. Anyway, in a single paragraph, they basically summed up my life since the beginning of 2009. How insightful of them. And how wondrous to realize, that no, of course I'm not alone in this.

If no one told you today, please, allow me.

You, are beautiful. You are loved. You are capable. And you are needed.

I pray that you never believe the lies of people that say anything contrary to this. I pray that you see yourself for what you are. Not who you "ought to be" or who you are "trying to be" but who you are. There is only one you, and there is a God that loves you enough to die to save you from this world. He believes that you are special, and that you are worth everything.

captivating

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. This is a woman's wors fear - abandonment. (Isn't it?) Rather than turning back to God, reversing the posture that brought about our crisis in the first place, we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was so badly answered in our youth. 'Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?' We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer

... We are wounded into believing horrible things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."

(Captivating by John/Stasi Eldredge)
(emphasis - own)
__________________________________________________________________________________________

Bingo.

Pretty sure I won't do any homework tonight, because I'll be reading this. After finishing it, pretty sure I'll read Wild at Heart. Truth, is addictive. Hard to handle, crazy to deal with, yet so much better than falsehood. Even at the young age of 19, it's interesting to look back on high school, middle school, last semester even. I can now see, so clearly, the walls that I've put up. The protection that I've created, to deal with the fear of being abandoned. Dropped. There have been countless rationales about why, and how it was fine. Pretending that it didn't matter to me, that I was strong enough, independent enough, tough enough to deal. Man, this world is a scary place.

guilt

http://www.blackhawkchurch.org/media_handlers/show_sermon.php?id=444&size=large
I really like this sermon. If you have time, you should watch it. If you don't have time, you should make time.

quarter to noon

I have French in 20 minutes. I'm sitting in Liz, which is always busy at lunch. I am attempting to finish up some nursing homework before tonight's lecture. I have a quiz too, which I don't think I ever really read for. But, I have 3 1/2 hours after French until I leave again, so it shouldn't be that bad.

This is the most pointless blog ever, I'm pretty sure. I'm always so flabbergasted that anyone else would read it. It's simply my ranting, and not wanting to save it to a word doc, because my computer's hard-drive is almost full. So it's online instead, where the memory isn't affected. However, that being said, if you do read this, kudo points.

Je vais aller. Au revoir.

perhaps I'm sick

I'm intentionally and purposefully listening to Sweet Thing by Keith Urban, and What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts. This is scary. I actually bought them on iTunes, and I actually like them. They're darned catchy. I blame Fargo.

It must be that I'm up too late. Yeah, that's it.

slush makes my jeans wet

I am frustrated with the weather. Friday was such a tease. It was gorgeous out, and I wish it weren't so horribly disgusting today. I walked home after work, because I hate the bus, and because I hate waiting, and in all honesty, I like walking. It gives me time to unwind, especially after sitting at Walgreens for eight hours. Music is my friend during such times, and it was good to mechanically climb Bascom and listen to Relient K.

In general, I am in a worse mood when it's crappy outside. I was so excited to simply be alive on Friday, but today? Today just hates me, I swear. Yet I am going to find a way to look past the problems that I'm up against, because I think that I complain way too much. And complaining doesn't get me anywhere. Easier said than done.

I saw two people steal stuff from work today. I wanted to punch a guy in the face. I don't understand who thinks that taking things is okay. Really? Buy it, you jerk. And I don't get how people say they don't have money for whatever it is that they're taking, when they're sitting there in a Northface jacket, wearing a pair of Uggs. You're kidding me, right? I'm sure you have the money. Stop jacking up the prices for everyone else, because we have to compensate for the fact that things go missing. You're screwing everyone else over, and I don't think that's very kind of you. I think it's kind of a bitch-move. So stop it. Literally, if it were my store, I would have tackled that guy. I was so pissed. People wonder why things keep getting more and more expensive at a store like that? Ask the guy who jacks cologne, and the girl who steals expensive makeup. The company has to make up for their losses, so they charge everyone else more, simply because a few jerks decide that they're going to stick it to "the man" and not pay for something. Not okay.

It's already quarter to six, and I have so much to do. I have one week until I will be warm. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I wonder if it's possible though, because of the one thing that has been continually making my brain freak out. I don't foresee it getting any better in the next week, or two weeks. That doesn't really help. I wish I would stop spazzing. Why is this so hard for me?

[the rest of this was added Monday, March 9 2009]

On the whole stealing thing. I was thinking today about it, but as much as it angers me, I think that it makes me more sad than anything else. Firstly, why do we have this insatiable need for things? Things won't make us happy. Things won't love us. Things won't fill the gaping hole that's in your life. It makes me sad to see students taking things that they think they're entitled to, or that they think will make them prettier, or better, or happier. No such thing exists. I wonder if they've ever stopped to think about that. I wonder if anyone's ever told them? Maybe it isn't about the money at all. Maybe it's that they're trying to cover up the hurt with having the people in this world tell them that they're beautiful, or that they're worth something. Sooner or later, people will disappoint. And then where will they be? They'll still be lost.

Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."

the use of thimbles

Ignoring all accents. And the fact that I only think that I'm saying this correctly, even if perhaps I'm not. And ignoring the fact that it's legitly sprench. Whatevs.

J'ai envie de parler avec tu. Je veux que je peux parler avec tu maintenent, mais je ne peux pas. Te amo. Deseo que yo puedo visitar. Pero no puedo, porque no tengo dinero o un coche. Je ne pas compris tampoco. Comment dit-on "to miss" en francais? Je vais dormir ce soir. Yo tengo que trabajar manana. No quiero. :/

Even if it is correct in grammar, I'm pretty sure it still doesn't make sense to anyone else, because I'm too random, and I'm not really connecting ideas well at all. But, I like it, and I understand it. So maybe it's my own version of igpay atinlay. Which I love. Anyway, I've come to find that there are two skills that I wish I had. I wish that I could dance. And I wish that I knew at least one other language, fluently. I am making new life goals.

I'm mean

And I should probably think before I speak. I'm sorry.

woot woot

So, as much as I hate greyhound buses, and the corporation in general, I am grateful today for them. Because I have gone home several times, and I have some sort of like...student card for it, they decided to be kind and send me a coupon. So, I got a super duper cheap ticket. And, this means that going home will cost half as much as normal. Not bad, not bad at all. This being said, I am now going home for Easter. Stoked. 3-day weekend. Yeah, yeah, I know that it isn't for another month or so. BUT, I look forward to sleeping in my own bed. Even if it is far far away at the moment.

I think that in the past two years, I should've counted the number of times that I heard the phrase "you know." The count would be astronomical, I'm sure. I wish I would never hear it ever again.

One last thing. I apologize for the fact that my blogs are completely inconsequential. This will probably continue to happen, because I'm currently lacking my obsession of facebook status updates. :/ I need to get over that one. I'm only one week down. And I feel as though this simply is taking the place of that, and kills my time management just as much. So, with that being said. I'm limiting my blogging as of now as well. I need to honestly just kill the internet and stay away from my computer. I think that would be best.