curses

I'm going to fail. I'm already failing, as I type this. All I want is to curl up in a ball on my bed. Sleep for hours, days. Go home and do the same thing. I don't want to do school right now. I can't do school right now. This paper is going to be the death of me. I want to watch a movie, but not pay attention; I want to stare blankly at the screen. I can't focus. I have no idea where to begin, and as soon as I start to think about it, I get sucked back into thinking about how much I hate today, and everything connected with it.

I cut off my TCX bracelet. It wasn't that it was bothering me. It wasn't that I wanted to give up and let Spence win. I just couldn't keep it on. Kind of like I'm planning on burning the program page from when I heard girls sing in some strange language. I don't want it. I want to watch it shrivel. I don't want to play Signs. I don't want anything to do with anything, I literally just want to hide under my blankets and sleep. I think this is funny, because I am like, the most sentimental person ever. I scrapbook. I have a box at home filled with things that remind me of events, people, whatever. I keep so many worthless things because they have sentimental value. Right now? I want nothing more than to get rid of everything.

Every letter I type on this is another moment wasted where I'm not doing all the things that I need to get done. This bites. I talked to SRL today, and for a brief moment, I considered actually asking him for his papers for his religious study class. I could've easily taken/modified/used them, and made a great paper. I don't believe in cheating, but I was really really close. I know that I would've gotten away with it, because he lives in another state, goes to a different university. But gosh, I would've felt terrible. Yet despite knowing it is not the way to do things, I felt a voice saying "You wouldn't have to stay up all night, you wouldn't have to freak out, you could just go to bed..." and it was SO tempting. Alas, I have to actually write a paper. This is going to be the worst night ever. It's already one of the worst days ever, so heck, it might as well continue.