I'm proud of myself

even if it kills me. *deep exhale* it's 2:10, and before tomorrow morning, I have to write another 5/6 page paper for my religious studies class. And I have a midterm tomorrow night. So here I sit, caged once again on the 4th floor of Memorial Library. I love this. Isolation. I can't focus though, even though it's quiet and still all around me. My mind is whirring. As accomplished as I feel for going through with everything that I just did...I still am so surprised that I had the willpower to do it. I had to do it before I had second thoughts, for sure. I hate that things always ask you "Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure. That's why I pushed "remove" in the first place. That's why I pushed "block" and "delete." ...because I'm sure.

The delete button is powerful. It has essentially removed you from every way we were connected. And I don't regret it, because this will be way less painful. I sent another piece of mail today, and I'm sure it will be the last one. I think the best thing to do is look forward instead of into the past. To go on as if I'm not affected. To look into the future and realize that:

I'm 19. I'm a freshman in college. I bounce back quickly. I'm not phased.

Even if these words aren't completely true, I'm going to believe them until they are. I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to admit to anything. It's no longer my move, because I have made every move that I possibly could.

...I realize that I'm often vague, and that I'm always talking about specific things without using specific ways to describe them. I apologize. Chances are, you have no clue what I'm talking about, and if you do, we've probably talked about it before. If we've talked about it before, we've probably talked about it extensively, and you probably know exactly what I'm saying. And if that's true, thanks for always listening, and for giving me input.

Essentially, here's another song. Pretty much my life recently. Just, don't continue with the song, because the rest of it doesn't apply. Only this part does.

"Why do you build me up, buttercup baby
just to let me down, and mess me around?
And then worst of all, you never call
baby, when you say you will."

I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to re-buy Irresistible Revolution & Becoming the Answer to our Prayers. That just sucks, because I'm broke.