captivating

"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. This is a woman's wors fear - abandonment. (Isn't it?) Rather than turning back to God, reversing the posture that brought about our crisis in the first place, we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.

And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was so badly answered in our youth. 'Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?' We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer

... We are wounded into believing horrible things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."

(Captivating by John/Stasi Eldredge)
(emphasis - own)
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Bingo.

Pretty sure I won't do any homework tonight, because I'll be reading this. After finishing it, pretty sure I'll read Wild at Heart. Truth, is addictive. Hard to handle, crazy to deal with, yet so much better than falsehood. Even at the young age of 19, it's interesting to look back on high school, middle school, last semester even. I can now see, so clearly, the walls that I've put up. The protection that I've created, to deal with the fear of being abandoned. Dropped. There have been countless rationales about why, and how it was fine. Pretending that it didn't matter to me, that I was strong enough, independent enough, tough enough to deal. Man, this world is a scary place.