it's been long enough

I give up. Give in. Throw in the towel. Say whatever you want. I can't sit here anymore and wait. I hate that I'm doing this, but at the same time, I honestly don't know what else I could possibly do. I have no other alternative. I'm done trying. As much as it breaks my heart, I can't think of anything else. I don't know. I just can't sit here and wait for you to maybe talk to me or not. I'm not going to beg you to stick around. I'm sorry. Yet, I feel as though I shouldn't be the one apologizing. Maybe someday I'll know why, maybe someone will give me insight. But at the moment, I'm going crazy, and I can't stand it. I'm done asking "Why?" because I never get a response. There's nothing that I can do to change the situation. I wanted to talk, but having a one-sided conversation isn't getting much accomplished.

This is such a familiar feeling. I hate that I know exactly what this feels like, and that it continues to come up. Oh, fun stuff. I guess I learn to deal, and it's simply another reminder that I need to rely upon God, and trust in Him, instead of people. This is a reoccuring theme in my life...maybe I just haven't gotten it yet. I can't help but wonder about how this happened though, because it will probably always flabbergast me. It still doesn't make sense. It just, has gotten to a point where I can't see how it can get better anymore, and that just kills me. This is turning out to be a huge lose-lose situation, and it sucks. I wish I could rewind. I wish I could go back in time. Maybe I could've done things differently, and it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe I wouldn't feel like somehow I screwed everything up. I continue to analyze everything that I've done, and I still can't see where/when everything changed.

A part of me is really surprised that I let myself even hope for the last few weeks. I feel so incredibly stupid right now. So naive. So used. It isn't fun at all. I don't know why I let it last this long, when it ended up hurting me more, the longer I let it. Maybe the best thing to do is simply forget that it ever happened. I don't want to, but I can't think of how else to get over it. Change up the pictures on my wall, yet again. I disappoint myself.

I'm sorry. A part of me wishes you were too. I guess this is goodbye. I wish it weren't. Maybe it's not, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath.