one year six months

I feel like I should apologize for all the word vomit that occurs on my blog. I probably should (and will) stop that soon.

I went to an advising session this morning. I sat and listened to all of the prereqs for how to get into the School of Nursing, listened to the discussion about grades and how it'll be hard. My advisor said something along the lines of "It's difficult, but if it's something you really want, you can do it. This goal can be achieved, you can get in." As I sat there, absorbing all that she was saying, I realized that I'm not so sure. Ask Sky, and he'll tell you my doubt, and my inability to make a decision is nothing new. But oh, how I hate it.

I had walked into the session with this girl, who was so excited. She turned to me and said that she was excited to have classes in the hospital, in the HLSC here on campus. She said that she couldn't wait. I asked her why, because, that's two years from now, assuming we get into the program. And then she told me all about how this has been her dream for years. Her grandparents graduated from UW. She has multiple family members who are nurses. And she went on to talk about how the UW nursing program is the best around, and that this is all that she wants. She wants to graduate from UW and be a nurse. It made her excited, just to talk about it.

That's not me. I'm not excited. I think of becoming a CNA, or of simply going through clinicals my junior year, and a part of me dies. I'm not that person that wants to teach adaptive fitness classes at the NAT, or teach kids in the D.R how to speak English. I don't want to be in charge of the ANA here at school. I don't wake up excited to go volunteer at the hospital. If this isn't something that I get joy out of, should I be doing it?

I feel like I'm a terrible person, honestly. As if my not being a nurse, is coping out. Am I capable of becoming a nurse? Yes. Am I capable of actually working hard and getting in, and making it through? Yes. But do I want to? I don't think so. I'm not even trying, honestly. I love all of the classes I have, that have nothing to do with nursing. I love history. I love French. I love psych. I love English. I loathe(d) chemistry and zoology. But the ones that I actually need as prereqs, I'm not putting effort into. As if, subconsciously, I want to somewhat fail so that I won't get in and therefore won't have to be a nurse.

I feel obligated to want to help people. I want to be a peppy, shining light. But am I called to do this? Do I feel like it's something that I should be doing for the rest of my life? Honestly, I have no idea. A huge part of me doesn't think so. I feel like I'm in it for the wrong reasons. The pros of becoming a nurse are huge. It would be pretty stable. I could go anywhere, because people need health care everywhere. I could do all of these amazing things with it, go on missions, make a difference. Help. But really, is it the only way that I can help? Wouldn't it be better for me to love what I'm doing, and actually enjoy waking up in the morning?

Right now, I really really, really wish I could call you. Ask you how you came to a conclusion. Ask for advice. Ask how you figured it out, how you went through it all and ended up with what you wanted. I hate that I can't. I wish you could help me. Offer support.

I think all I can do at the moment, is pray about it. I'm only through the first year, but I don't want to go down this path of prereqs for something I'm not sure about. I don't want to do it if it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.