The classes that make me go "NO WAY! That's a class? Can I take it? Please?" Mwahahaha. Awesome. I'm excited, to say the least. I think I'm going to officially switch my major, and do what I love doing. It might be harsh attempting to convert it into a career someday, but really, I have no doubt that God gave me this passion for a reason, and I have no doubt that He's got it figured out. I'm not going to kill myself trying to do something that I don't feel called to do. What a waste of a passion. Classes that I enjoy and find interesting, are in my near future. Woot, times a million. I bet you that you can guess what kinds of things they are about.
It's not about the money. Nursing, it was nice knowing you. But I'm going to have to bid you adieu, I do believe. No hard feelings.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
...
tonight is not a good night to have homework to finish. Crap, crap, crap. My heart is racing, and I don't want to think about Ed Psych anymore.
Monday, March 30, 2009
everything
I remember the last time I saw this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVJqRLU3J0I.
I was sitting on my couch, on the 2nd of January of this year, with a friend. We were going through youtube videos, laughing at the ridiculousness of Improv Everywhere. He then typed "Everything Lifehouse Skit" in, and this came up. I had seen it before, but I know that it made me tear up.
I watched it again today, and it was so powerful. I mean, it brought back the all too fresh memories from watching it that night, but that aside, it made me stop, and just sit here. It is so, man, I'm lacking words again. There aren't enough, or the right enough adjectives to describe it for me. Christ is so beautiful, and so loving, and so strong. And this skit? It's such a good depiction of us. We go through hell on Earth, and we go running back to Him, realizing that He's all we need. He's all that we could ever want in this world. He is literally everything. It convicts me because I know that my life is not nearly as Christ-centered as I would want it to be. However, even though that's true, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.
Even though in the past few weeks, I've felt more alone than I have since moving, I know that He will never let me down. He will never abandon me. He will be beside me every step of the way, even if I don't know where I'm going. I don't mind being blindfolded if he leads me, because I trust that it's where I need to go.
It's hard though, because for me to actually realize and understand how much I need him, I have to keep getting smashed, broken. I have to be let down, or hurt. I have to be shown that I have no real control over my life anyway. It sucks, to be broken. Yet, through these moments, I've learned so much. And I'm getting better at forgiving, and at realizing that there's a reason for every bad thing that happens in my life. I trust in the plan that I can't see.
I was sitting on my couch, on the 2nd of January of this year, with a friend. We were going through youtube videos, laughing at the ridiculousness of Improv Everywhere. He then typed "Everything Lifehouse Skit" in, and this came up. I had seen it before, but I know that it made me tear up.
I watched it again today, and it was so powerful. I mean, it brought back the all too fresh memories from watching it that night, but that aside, it made me stop, and just sit here. It is so, man, I'm lacking words again. There aren't enough, or the right enough adjectives to describe it for me. Christ is so beautiful, and so loving, and so strong. And this skit? It's such a good depiction of us. We go through hell on Earth, and we go running back to Him, realizing that He's all we need. He's all that we could ever want in this world. He is literally everything. It convicts me because I know that my life is not nearly as Christ-centered as I would want it to be. However, even though that's true, it doesn't mean that God loves me any less.
Even though in the past few weeks, I've felt more alone than I have since moving, I know that He will never let me down. He will never abandon me. He will be beside me every step of the way, even if I don't know where I'm going. I don't mind being blindfolded if he leads me, because I trust that it's where I need to go.
It's hard though, because for me to actually realize and understand how much I need him, I have to keep getting smashed, broken. I have to be let down, or hurt. I have to be shown that I have no real control over my life anyway. It sucks, to be broken. Yet, through these moments, I've learned so much. And I'm getting better at forgiving, and at realizing that there's a reason for every bad thing that happens in my life. I trust in the plan that I can't see.
Friday, March 27, 2009
one year six months
I feel like I should apologize for all the word vomit that occurs on my blog. I probably should (and will) stop that soon.
I went to an advising session this morning. I sat and listened to all of the prereqs for how to get into the School of Nursing, listened to the discussion about grades and how it'll be hard. My advisor said something along the lines of "It's difficult, but if it's something you really want, you can do it. This goal can be achieved, you can get in." As I sat there, absorbing all that she was saying, I realized that I'm not so sure. Ask Sky, and he'll tell you my doubt, and my inability to make a decision is nothing new. But oh, how I hate it.
I had walked into the session with this girl, who was so excited. She turned to me and said that she was excited to have classes in the hospital, in the HLSC here on campus. She said that she couldn't wait. I asked her why, because, that's two years from now, assuming we get into the program. And then she told me all about how this has been her dream for years. Her grandparents graduated from UW. She has multiple family members who are nurses. And she went on to talk about how the UW nursing program is the best around, and that this is all that she wants. She wants to graduate from UW and be a nurse. It made her excited, just to talk about it.
That's not me. I'm not excited. I think of becoming a CNA, or of simply going through clinicals my junior year, and a part of me dies. I'm not that person that wants to teach adaptive fitness classes at the NAT, or teach kids in the D.R how to speak English. I don't want to be in charge of the ANA here at school. I don't wake up excited to go volunteer at the hospital. If this isn't something that I get joy out of, should I be doing it?
I feel like I'm a terrible person, honestly. As if my not being a nurse, is coping out. Am I capable of becoming a nurse? Yes. Am I capable of actually working hard and getting in, and making it through? Yes. But do I want to? I don't think so. I'm not even trying, honestly. I love all of the classes I have, that have nothing to do with nursing. I love history. I love French. I love psych. I love English. I loathe(d) chemistry and zoology. But the ones that I actually need as prereqs, I'm not putting effort into. As if, subconsciously, I want to somewhat fail so that I won't get in and therefore won't have to be a nurse.
I feel obligated to want to help people. I want to be a peppy, shining light. But am I called to do this? Do I feel like it's something that I should be doing for the rest of my life? Honestly, I have no idea. A huge part of me doesn't think so. I feel like I'm in it for the wrong reasons. The pros of becoming a nurse are huge. It would be pretty stable. I could go anywhere, because people need health care everywhere. I could do all of these amazing things with it, go on missions, make a difference. Help. But really, is it the only way that I can help? Wouldn't it be better for me to love what I'm doing, and actually enjoy waking up in the morning?
Right now, I really really, really wish I could call you. Ask you how you came to a conclusion. Ask for advice. Ask how you figured it out, how you went through it all and ended up with what you wanted. I hate that I can't. I wish you could help me. Offer support.
I think all I can do at the moment, is pray about it. I'm only through the first year, but I don't want to go down this path of prereqs for something I'm not sure about. I don't want to do it if it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.
I went to an advising session this morning. I sat and listened to all of the prereqs for how to get into the School of Nursing, listened to the discussion about grades and how it'll be hard. My advisor said something along the lines of "It's difficult, but if it's something you really want, you can do it. This goal can be achieved, you can get in." As I sat there, absorbing all that she was saying, I realized that I'm not so sure. Ask Sky, and he'll tell you my doubt, and my inability to make a decision is nothing new. But oh, how I hate it.
I had walked into the session with this girl, who was so excited. She turned to me and said that she was excited to have classes in the hospital, in the HLSC here on campus. She said that she couldn't wait. I asked her why, because, that's two years from now, assuming we get into the program. And then she told me all about how this has been her dream for years. Her grandparents graduated from UW. She has multiple family members who are nurses. And she went on to talk about how the UW nursing program is the best around, and that this is all that she wants. She wants to graduate from UW and be a nurse. It made her excited, just to talk about it.
That's not me. I'm not excited. I think of becoming a CNA, or of simply going through clinicals my junior year, and a part of me dies. I'm not that person that wants to teach adaptive fitness classes at the NAT, or teach kids in the D.R how to speak English. I don't want to be in charge of the ANA here at school. I don't wake up excited to go volunteer at the hospital. If this isn't something that I get joy out of, should I be doing it?
I feel like I'm a terrible person, honestly. As if my not being a nurse, is coping out. Am I capable of becoming a nurse? Yes. Am I capable of actually working hard and getting in, and making it through? Yes. But do I want to? I don't think so. I'm not even trying, honestly. I love all of the classes I have, that have nothing to do with nursing. I love history. I love French. I love psych. I love English. I loathe(d) chemistry and zoology. But the ones that I actually need as prereqs, I'm not putting effort into. As if, subconsciously, I want to somewhat fail so that I won't get in and therefore won't have to be a nurse.
I feel obligated to want to help people. I want to be a peppy, shining light. But am I called to do this? Do I feel like it's something that I should be doing for the rest of my life? Honestly, I have no idea. A huge part of me doesn't think so. I feel like I'm in it for the wrong reasons. The pros of becoming a nurse are huge. It would be pretty stable. I could go anywhere, because people need health care everywhere. I could do all of these amazing things with it, go on missions, make a difference. Help. But really, is it the only way that I can help? Wouldn't it be better for me to love what I'm doing, and actually enjoy waking up in the morning?
Right now, I really really, really wish I could call you. Ask you how you came to a conclusion. Ask for advice. Ask how you figured it out, how you went through it all and ended up with what you wanted. I hate that I can't. I wish you could help me. Offer support.
I think all I can do at the moment, is pray about it. I'm only through the first year, but I don't want to go down this path of prereqs for something I'm not sure about. I don't want to do it if it isn't what I'm supposed to be doing.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
70 more minutes
until I have to take another exam. Man, do I ever hate midterms. I've been going over and over my notes for hours, looking at my flashcards, reading stuff, doing problems. I hope it goes well. If it doesn't, at least I get to go to Cru directly afterwards, which is always a blessing, and a highlight. I'm gonna say screw sleeping tonight, and I'm going to the firehouse. I need to have some fun, because life has been dreary since coming back from Florida. This weather needs to shape up and get back to Spring. It's pretty much April, and the clouds just are not making me happy at the moment.
I need food, because I'm almost out of anything tasty in my room. I should go buy groceries, but I'm not going to. I'll find a way to live for awhile longer, and then start eating the paper that is in my printer. :) Obviously, I'm exaggerating. However, I'm getting really sick of cereal, and soup. But they're so cheap. Blah. I want a bagel, but I have 7 cents on my food card, and no cash. I need to go to the bank, but I'm the biggest bum in the entire world, so of course I don't have the will power to trek over there. And I don't have my bike back yet, even though I was supposed to get it back this week. Silly cousin.
AHHHHHH! Test. I have to go. This is painful. Lame. Socks.
I need food, because I'm almost out of anything tasty in my room. I should go buy groceries, but I'm not going to. I'll find a way to live for awhile longer, and then start eating the paper that is in my printer. :) Obviously, I'm exaggerating. However, I'm getting really sick of cereal, and soup. But they're so cheap. Blah. I want a bagel, but I have 7 cents on my food card, and no cash. I need to go to the bank, but I'm the biggest bum in the entire world, so of course I don't have the will power to trek over there. And I don't have my bike back yet, even though I was supposed to get it back this week. Silly cousin.
AHHHHHH! Test. I have to go. This is painful. Lame. Socks.
distractions up the wazoo
Goodness gracious, nothing was accomplished yesterday. However, I realized that some more friends of mine have Skype, and therefore wasted several hours chatting with them, rather than finishing my paper, which, I might add...is not yet finished. Due in two hours. Then I am skipping class, meeting with Katie, skipping class again, going to ballroom/discussion, then napping/cramming for a Zoo exam. If I don't do well, I think I might have to just about die, and throw my laptop off of the Lucky building just to get rid of Skype. I can't believe I stayed up as late as I did.
I can't wait until tomorrow....when I can, oh, wait, I can't sleep. Ish. I am sleeping in Saturday. And then going to work. And not doing freaking anything all day Sunday either. Screw school. I'm gonna sleep until semester is over, I'm exhausted right now, in so many different ways.
I just have to finish my conclusion, and then I'm done. Boo. I want to go back to bed. 20 more minutes, then I sleep for two hours. Woot. Finish, then NAP. I'm dying over here.
I can't wait until tomorrow....when I can, oh, wait, I can't sleep. Ish. I am sleeping in Saturday. And then going to work. And not doing freaking anything all day Sunday either. Screw school. I'm gonna sleep until semester is over, I'm exhausted right now, in so many different ways.
I just have to finish my conclusion, and then I'm done. Boo. I want to go back to bed. 20 more minutes, then I sleep for two hours. Woot. Finish, then NAP. I'm dying over here.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
curses
I'm going to fail. I'm already failing, as I type this. All I want is to curl up in a ball on my bed. Sleep for hours, days. Go home and do the same thing. I don't want to do school right now. I can't do school right now. This paper is going to be the death of me. I want to watch a movie, but not pay attention; I want to stare blankly at the screen. I can't focus. I have no idea where to begin, and as soon as I start to think about it, I get sucked back into thinking about how much I hate today, and everything connected with it.
I cut off my TCX bracelet. It wasn't that it was bothering me. It wasn't that I wanted to give up and let Spence win. I just couldn't keep it on. Kind of like I'm planning on burning the program page from when I heard girls sing in some strange language. I don't want it. I want to watch it shrivel. I don't want to play Signs. I don't want anything to do with anything, I literally just want to hide under my blankets and sleep. I think this is funny, because I am like, the most sentimental person ever. I scrapbook. I have a box at home filled with things that remind me of events, people, whatever. I keep so many worthless things because they have sentimental value. Right now? I want nothing more than to get rid of everything.
Every letter I type on this is another moment wasted where I'm not doing all the things that I need to get done. This bites. I talked to SRL today, and for a brief moment, I considered actually asking him for his papers for his religious study class. I could've easily taken/modified/used them, and made a great paper. I don't believe in cheating, but I was really really close. I know that I would've gotten away with it, because he lives in another state, goes to a different university. But gosh, I would've felt terrible. Yet despite knowing it is not the way to do things, I felt a voice saying "You wouldn't have to stay up all night, you wouldn't have to freak out, you could just go to bed..." and it was SO tempting. Alas, I have to actually write a paper. This is going to be the worst night ever. It's already one of the worst days ever, so heck, it might as well continue.
I cut off my TCX bracelet. It wasn't that it was bothering me. It wasn't that I wanted to give up and let Spence win. I just couldn't keep it on. Kind of like I'm planning on burning the program page from when I heard girls sing in some strange language. I don't want it. I want to watch it shrivel. I don't want to play Signs. I don't want anything to do with anything, I literally just want to hide under my blankets and sleep. I think this is funny, because I am like, the most sentimental person ever. I scrapbook. I have a box at home filled with things that remind me of events, people, whatever. I keep so many worthless things because they have sentimental value. Right now? I want nothing more than to get rid of everything.
Every letter I type on this is another moment wasted where I'm not doing all the things that I need to get done. This bites. I talked to SRL today, and for a brief moment, I considered actually asking him for his papers for his religious study class. I could've easily taken/modified/used them, and made a great paper. I don't believe in cheating, but I was really really close. I know that I would've gotten away with it, because he lives in another state, goes to a different university. But gosh, I would've felt terrible. Yet despite knowing it is not the way to do things, I felt a voice saying "You wouldn't have to stay up all night, you wouldn't have to freak out, you could just go to bed..." and it was SO tempting. Alas, I have to actually write a paper. This is going to be the worst night ever. It's already one of the worst days ever, so heck, it might as well continue.
I'm proud of myself
even if it kills me. *deep exhale* it's 2:10, and before tomorrow morning, I have to write another 5/6 page paper for my religious studies class. And I have a midterm tomorrow night. So here I sit, caged once again on the 4th floor of Memorial Library. I love this. Isolation. I can't focus though, even though it's quiet and still all around me. My mind is whirring. As accomplished as I feel for going through with everything that I just did...I still am so surprised that I had the willpower to do it. I had to do it before I had second thoughts, for sure. I hate that things always ask you "Are you sure?" Yes, I'm sure. That's why I pushed "remove" in the first place. That's why I pushed "block" and "delete." ...because I'm sure.
The delete button is powerful. It has essentially removed you from every way we were connected. And I don't regret it, because this will be way less painful. I sent another piece of mail today, and I'm sure it will be the last one. I think the best thing to do is look forward instead of into the past. To go on as if I'm not affected. To look into the future and realize that:
I'm 19. I'm a freshman in college. I bounce back quickly. I'm not phased.
Even if these words aren't completely true, I'm going to believe them until they are. I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to admit to anything. It's no longer my move, because I have made every move that I possibly could.
...I realize that I'm often vague, and that I'm always talking about specific things without using specific ways to describe them. I apologize. Chances are, you have no clue what I'm talking about, and if you do, we've probably talked about it before. If we've talked about it before, we've probably talked about it extensively, and you probably know exactly what I'm saying. And if that's true, thanks for always listening, and for giving me input.
Essentially, here's another song. Pretty much my life recently. Just, don't continue with the song, because the rest of it doesn't apply. Only this part does.
"Why do you build me up, buttercup baby
just to let me down, and mess me around?
And then worst of all, you never call
baby, when you say you will."
I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to re-buy Irresistible Revolution & Becoming the Answer to our Prayers. That just sucks, because I'm broke.
The delete button is powerful. It has essentially removed you from every way we were connected. And I don't regret it, because this will be way less painful. I sent another piece of mail today, and I'm sure it will be the last one. I think the best thing to do is look forward instead of into the past. To go on as if I'm not affected. To look into the future and realize that:
I'm 19. I'm a freshman in college. I bounce back quickly. I'm not phased.
Even if these words aren't completely true, I'm going to believe them until they are. I'm not going to think about it. I'm not going to admit to anything. It's no longer my move, because I have made every move that I possibly could.
...I realize that I'm often vague, and that I'm always talking about specific things without using specific ways to describe them. I apologize. Chances are, you have no clue what I'm talking about, and if you do, we've probably talked about it before. If we've talked about it before, we've probably talked about it extensively, and you probably know exactly what I'm saying. And if that's true, thanks for always listening, and for giving me input.
Essentially, here's another song. Pretty much my life recently. Just, don't continue with the song, because the rest of it doesn't apply. Only this part does.
"Why do you build me up, buttercup baby
just to let me down, and mess me around?
And then worst of all, you never call
baby, when you say you will."
I'm annoyed that I'm going to have to re-buy Irresistible Revolution & Becoming the Answer to our Prayers. That just sucks, because I'm broke.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
sweet music
says what I think so much better than I ever could. I love it. I wish I was talented like this, wish I could write music/lyrics. Poetry. Not my skills, for sure. I love Snow Patrol.
"My bones ache my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine"
"Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words"
And Taylor Swift. White Horse/Love Story/Breathe have definitely been on my iPod recently. Lyrics are awesome. And I have a new repeat song. Thank you emcee Shelby. Crush by David Archuleta is now officially stuck in my head. And probably will be for days.
"My bones ache my skin feels cold
And I'm getting so tired and so old
The anger swells in my guts
And I won't feel these slices and cuts
I want so much to open your eyes
Cause I need you to look into mine"
"Goodness knows I saw it coming
Or at least I'll claim I did
But in truth I'm lost for words"
And Taylor Swift. White Horse/Love Story/Breathe have definitely been on my iPod recently. Lyrics are awesome. And I have a new repeat song. Thank you emcee Shelby. Crush by David Archuleta is now officially stuck in my head. And probably will be for days.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Megara
I won't say it. I won't even entertain the idea that at one point I thought it was true, that it could be. It isn't. I'm too annoyed, and therefore, I'm defensive. Defensive to the point of probably being irritating to everyone around me. I want to go back to the sunshine, because this rain is not helping. But I put on a smile anyway, because actually, life is good, and I still see so many blessings, and so much love everywhere, so much hope. I can't decide if I should mope, or if I should take things as they are, and realize that I learned something, and that somehow, it will work out for the best. I know that it's true, that there's a purpose to it all, but at the moment, I can't see it. Yet I refuse to doubt that there's a purpose, because God has been so faithful in my life. He has shown how perfect his timing is, over and over again. I'm not going to think that this time, He's done something wrong. He hasn't.
Gosh, sometimes I swear I'm bipolar. I mean, I'm not, and I know that I'm not, but still...
I thank God for pen and paper, for online journals, for word documents, for any outlet I have to think through life. I don't know what I would do without them sometimes.
Gosh, sometimes I swear I'm bipolar. I mean, I'm not, and I know that I'm not, but still...
I thank God for pen and paper, for online journals, for word documents, for any outlet I have to think through life. I don't know what I would do without them sometimes.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
it's been long enough
I give up. Give in. Throw in the towel. Say whatever you want. I can't sit here anymore and wait. I hate that I'm doing this, but at the same time, I honestly don't know what else I could possibly do. I have no other alternative. I'm done trying. As much as it breaks my heart, I can't think of anything else. I don't know. I just can't sit here and wait for you to maybe talk to me or not. I'm not going to beg you to stick around. I'm sorry. Yet, I feel as though I shouldn't be the one apologizing. Maybe someday I'll know why, maybe someone will give me insight. But at the moment, I'm going crazy, and I can't stand it. I'm done asking "Why?" because I never get a response. There's nothing that I can do to change the situation. I wanted to talk, but having a one-sided conversation isn't getting much accomplished.
This is such a familiar feeling. I hate that I know exactly what this feels like, and that it continues to come up. Oh, fun stuff. I guess I learn to deal, and it's simply another reminder that I need to rely upon God, and trust in Him, instead of people. This is a reoccuring theme in my life...maybe I just haven't gotten it yet. I can't help but wonder about how this happened though, because it will probably always flabbergast me. It still doesn't make sense. It just, has gotten to a point where I can't see how it can get better anymore, and that just kills me. This is turning out to be a huge lose-lose situation, and it sucks. I wish I could rewind. I wish I could go back in time. Maybe I could've done things differently, and it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe I wouldn't feel like somehow I screwed everything up. I continue to analyze everything that I've done, and I still can't see where/when everything changed.
A part of me is really surprised that I let myself even hope for the last few weeks. I feel so incredibly stupid right now. So naive. So used. It isn't fun at all. I don't know why I let it last this long, when it ended up hurting me more, the longer I let it. Maybe the best thing to do is simply forget that it ever happened. I don't want to, but I can't think of how else to get over it. Change up the pictures on my wall, yet again. I disappoint myself.
I'm sorry. A part of me wishes you were too. I guess this is goodbye. I wish it weren't. Maybe it's not, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath.
This is such a familiar feeling. I hate that I know exactly what this feels like, and that it continues to come up. Oh, fun stuff. I guess I learn to deal, and it's simply another reminder that I need to rely upon God, and trust in Him, instead of people. This is a reoccuring theme in my life...maybe I just haven't gotten it yet. I can't help but wonder about how this happened though, because it will probably always flabbergast me. It still doesn't make sense. It just, has gotten to a point where I can't see how it can get better anymore, and that just kills me. This is turning out to be a huge lose-lose situation, and it sucks. I wish I could rewind. I wish I could go back in time. Maybe I could've done things differently, and it wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe I wouldn't feel like somehow I screwed everything up. I continue to analyze everything that I've done, and I still can't see where/when everything changed.
A part of me is really surprised that I let myself even hope for the last few weeks. I feel so incredibly stupid right now. So naive. So used. It isn't fun at all. I don't know why I let it last this long, when it ended up hurting me more, the longer I let it. Maybe the best thing to do is simply forget that it ever happened. I don't want to, but I can't think of how else to get over it. Change up the pictures on my wall, yet again. I disappoint myself.
I'm sorry. A part of me wishes you were too. I guess this is goodbye. I wish it weren't. Maybe it's not, but I'm certainly not going to hold my breath.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
wow, i got burned
but I don't really care. I'm back from Florida, and I must say, that it was even more amazing than I thought it would ever be. I absolutely adore everyone that I got to spend the last week with, and I feel so blessed to know all of them, and to have had the opportunity to get to know them better. It was a brilliant week. I am more broke than ever before, and my legs hurt from how red/burned they are, but it doesn't phase me. The Lord worked wonders while we were in PCB, and I'm so thankful. It was beautiful outside for the majority of the week, and 75 and sunny in Florida beats 50 and sunny here in Madtown any day. It was a great time wearing shorts and tank tops and actually swimming in the ocean. The beautiful weather for sure gave us plenty of opportunity to talk to people, which was the point.
It was incredible to see how much craziness was going on. MTV, beer pong on the beach, conversations with people that were drunk/high/some combination. Yet, through all of that, God helped us to have some fantastic conversations with people, about Him, and about His Son, and about His love. I wouldn't have dreamed it was possible, but people (for the most part) were so open, and so receptive, and so into listening to what we had to say. I had several people thank me for caring enough to talk to them. I saw them genuinely smile and talk to me with honesty. He works in wondrous ways.
Almost 1000 students came from all over to go to this conference to watch God change lives. I made some new friends (like I did at TCX) and on the beach, it was so encouraging to see our Cru kids. None of us were alone, ever. I found that I genuinely love good southern accents, and have started saying the word "beau" instead of "boy" because of Matt. Honestly, I could've listened to him talk for hours. He probably thought that I was trying to stalk him. Whoops. ;)
I'm so glad that I went on this trip. I doubted that I would be able to go out and share my faith with people. I thought that I would get rejected. I was holding onto this idea of needing others' approval, and before I got there, I was scared to death. As the week went on, I saw the Lord break down the barriers that I had put up, and it was so incredible. It no longer scares me. I realize that if I want to love people, I need to tell them why. Tell them why I'm so excited to be alive, tell them why I'm so happy to have this in my life. Share with them.
Penn (from Penn/Teller) said it the best. To paraphrase the video that Roger Hershey showed us: "If you honestly believe that there is a Heaven/Hell, and that what you know will get you there, how much do you have to hate someone to not tell them about it?" How tragic is that? How much do I hate them? I don't hate them! Then why aren't I telling them? Fear, most likely. But, with Christ, we can overcome that. Woot. How brilliant is that.
On a completely separate note, I think I've given up. Not that I want to. I really, really, really, don't want to. But at the moment, I can't see any other alternative. How am I supposed to know? And, I want Ovetchkin. Freaking A.
Anyway, I hope that you had a wonderful spring break. Or week in general if you weren't on break.
I <3 you.
It was incredible to see how much craziness was going on. MTV, beer pong on the beach, conversations with people that were drunk/high/some combination. Yet, through all of that, God helped us to have some fantastic conversations with people, about Him, and about His Son, and about His love. I wouldn't have dreamed it was possible, but people (for the most part) were so open, and so receptive, and so into listening to what we had to say. I had several people thank me for caring enough to talk to them. I saw them genuinely smile and talk to me with honesty. He works in wondrous ways.
Almost 1000 students came from all over to go to this conference to watch God change lives. I made some new friends (like I did at TCX) and on the beach, it was so encouraging to see our Cru kids. None of us were alone, ever. I found that I genuinely love good southern accents, and have started saying the word "beau" instead of "boy" because of Matt. Honestly, I could've listened to him talk for hours. He probably thought that I was trying to stalk him. Whoops. ;)
I'm so glad that I went on this trip. I doubted that I would be able to go out and share my faith with people. I thought that I would get rejected. I was holding onto this idea of needing others' approval, and before I got there, I was scared to death. As the week went on, I saw the Lord break down the barriers that I had put up, and it was so incredible. It no longer scares me. I realize that if I want to love people, I need to tell them why. Tell them why I'm so excited to be alive, tell them why I'm so happy to have this in my life. Share with them.
Penn (from Penn/Teller) said it the best. To paraphrase the video that Roger Hershey showed us: "If you honestly believe that there is a Heaven/Hell, and that what you know will get you there, how much do you have to hate someone to not tell them about it?" How tragic is that? How much do I hate them? I don't hate them! Then why aren't I telling them? Fear, most likely. But, with Christ, we can overcome that. Woot. How brilliant is that.
On a completely separate note, I think I've given up. Not that I want to. I really, really, really, don't want to. But at the moment, I can't see any other alternative. How am I supposed to know? And, I want Ovetchkin. Freaking A.
Anyway, I hope that you had a wonderful spring break. Or week in general if you weren't on break.
I <3 you.
Friday, March 13, 2009
i go to extremes
Now, it's almost 4:00 am. This is ridiculous. Why do I waste so much time? I could've finished this paper days ago, hours ago at the latest. No wonder I crash and burn.
I've also noticed that the time on the bottom of my blog always seems to be off by two hours. Strange. Well, all of them except this one, because I changed it so that it was correct. Not like it honestly matters, but whatevs.
I've also noticed that the time on the bottom of my blog always seems to be off by two hours. Strange. Well, all of them except this one, because I changed it so that it was correct. Not like it honestly matters, but whatevs.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
panama city
The adventure starts tomorrow. Leaving Madtown tomorrow night, and going to somewhere warm for spring break. How fantastic. Yet, it's not a normal "I'm gonna sit on the beach and look cute and get tan" kind of spring break. It's even better! I will get to spend a week learning and growing. I will get to spend a week with some of my wonderful friends from here, and will get the opportunity to make new friends from around the country. I will get to spend a week focusing on God. How utterly fantastic.
I just have one request for you, whoever you are. Please pray for all of the people going on this trip, for our safe travels, etc. And please pray that whatever we say while we're roaming the beaches comes from God, not from us. Pray that we have the strength to go out and talk to people even though we're afraid or uncomfortable, and that we might impact people. I know that a lot of prayer goes into this project, and I'm simply asking you to be a part of it as well. We would all really appreciate it. :)
On a different note. It's 2:30 or so. This wouldn't have been strange a few weeks ago, but this is the latest I have stayed up in quite a while. I have a paper that's due in 6 hours, and yet my distractions haven't been people, so much as being kept busy with cleaning/packing/laundry. I wish I had taken the time to do this paper earlier. I wish that I stopped saying this every time I had a paper, and actually worked on it before hand.
My grades, and I suppose, essentially my future, all depend on things like this, and I am so nonchalant about them. As if they don't matter. I mean, they don't, but they do. It's so obnoxious. It's not even that this paper will be hard to write, it's simply that I have to write it that makes me upset. Bleh school.
I just have one request for you, whoever you are. Please pray for all of the people going on this trip, for our safe travels, etc. And please pray that whatever we say while we're roaming the beaches comes from God, not from us. Pray that we have the strength to go out and talk to people even though we're afraid or uncomfortable, and that we might impact people. I know that a lot of prayer goes into this project, and I'm simply asking you to be a part of it as well. We would all really appreciate it. :)
On a different note. It's 2:30 or so. This wouldn't have been strange a few weeks ago, but this is the latest I have stayed up in quite a while. I have a paper that's due in 6 hours, and yet my distractions haven't been people, so much as being kept busy with cleaning/packing/laundry. I wish I had taken the time to do this paper earlier. I wish that I stopped saying this every time I had a paper, and actually worked on it before hand.
My grades, and I suppose, essentially my future, all depend on things like this, and I am so nonchalant about them. As if they don't matter. I mean, they don't, but they do. It's so obnoxious. It's not even that this paper will be hard to write, it's simply that I have to write it that makes me upset. Bleh school.
wild at heart
Interestingly enough, just as page 164 in Captivating is legitly useful to my life, so is 114 in Wild at Heart. It's by the same guy, so this overlapping makes sense. It's weird to see it from this perspective. From a book that is meant for the men of this world. Of course I was going to read it though, because honestly, I have no idea why a girl wouldn't want to try to better understand. I can't be the only one who's ever been frustrated with how guys act. So, my new advice is, whether guy or girl, read Captivating, and Wild at Heart. They will probably give you insight.
I feel so naive right now. And so, ugh, I can't even describe this feeling. I'm lacking words. Like all of my actions don't affect, and yet also like I've wronged you in so many different ways. My life continues to give me stepping stones and new wisdom to try to cope with. Learning is good, I suppose. But it always sucks when you learn through failing, through epically failing.
"I want to tell you you can go on
that beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you and so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall"
[we all fall, Superchick]
I feel so naive right now. And so, ugh, I can't even describe this feeling. I'm lacking words. Like all of my actions don't affect, and yet also like I've wronged you in so many different ways. My life continues to give me stepping stones and new wisdom to try to cope with. Learning is good, I suppose. But it always sucks when you learn through failing, through epically failing.
"I want to tell you you can go on
that beginnings come from ends
I still believe in you and so does God
He's the one who still believes in those who fail
He's the one who still believes in us who fall"
[we all fall, Superchick]
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
it must be a phase
or something like that. Since when do I go out of my way to listen to a country song? Tyler would think I were lying if I called him right now. He would laugh.
(Oh my gosh. On a side note, I literally am sick. I'm basically coughing up a lung. I think my bus mates might kill me on Friday if I get them sick for spring break. This might be a potential problem. Ugh)
Anyway. Yeah, now I have three songs by Keith Urban? That I actually paid for, off of iTunes. What on earth, where the heck is this coming from? (No, don't answer that. I don't need an answer, I actually know...rhetorical question) And someone tell me why I care what happens on May 14. I seriously...I confuse myself. I don't make sense. I need to talk to my cousin. Maybe I'll call him soon. I should call him sooner rather than later, because later will not help me think through things. Later might be, too late, I suppose.
However, in two weeks or so, I feel like I will go back to completely loathing anything country. It wouldn't surprise me at this point, in all honesty. Apathy might be the norm for my reaction to the entire genre. I wish it weren't so, because I have gotten used to it. These songs have become the new obsession, and it will be hard to let them go. Aw, shucks.
(Oh my gosh. On a side note, I literally am sick. I'm basically coughing up a lung. I think my bus mates might kill me on Friday if I get them sick for spring break. This might be a potential problem. Ugh)
Anyway. Yeah, now I have three songs by Keith Urban? That I actually paid for, off of iTunes. What on earth, where the heck is this coming from? (No, don't answer that. I don't need an answer, I actually know...rhetorical question) And someone tell me why I care what happens on May 14. I seriously...I confuse myself. I don't make sense. I need to talk to my cousin. Maybe I'll call him soon. I should call him sooner rather than later, because later will not help me think through things. Later might be, too late, I suppose.
However, in two weeks or so, I feel like I will go back to completely loathing anything country. It wouldn't surprise me at this point, in all honesty. Apathy might be the norm for my reaction to the entire genre. I wish it weren't so, because I have gotten used to it. These songs have become the new obsession, and it will be hard to let them go. Aw, shucks.
page one hundred, sixty four
contains the sentences that I wish I had read before Christmas break. Perhaps things would be different. I finished Captivating today while sitting at the union for a few hours. Alone. Ignoring everything around me, like usual when I am completely taken in by a good book. I urge you to read it if you're a young woman. Or a female at all really. It is so honest. Parts of it struck me deeply, and I'm so thankful that my friend loaned it to me. Now, I'm going to pass it on.
If you ever get this book and read page 164 (or maybe the pages are different, in which case, it's in chapter nine, subtitle "single women") then you should come talk to me. You should come talk to me anyway, because I would love to hear from you. Anyway, in a single paragraph, they basically summed up my life since the beginning of 2009. How insightful of them. And how wondrous to realize, that no, of course I'm not alone in this.
If no one told you today, please, allow me.
You, are beautiful. You are loved. You are capable. And you are needed.
I pray that you never believe the lies of people that say anything contrary to this. I pray that you see yourself for what you are. Not who you "ought to be" or who you are "trying to be" but who you are. There is only one you, and there is a God that loves you enough to die to save you from this world. He believes that you are special, and that you are worth everything.
If you ever get this book and read page 164 (or maybe the pages are different, in which case, it's in chapter nine, subtitle "single women") then you should come talk to me. You should come talk to me anyway, because I would love to hear from you. Anyway, in a single paragraph, they basically summed up my life since the beginning of 2009. How insightful of them. And how wondrous to realize, that no, of course I'm not alone in this.
If no one told you today, please, allow me.
You, are beautiful. You are loved. You are capable. And you are needed.
I pray that you never believe the lies of people that say anything contrary to this. I pray that you see yourself for what you are. Not who you "ought to be" or who you are "trying to be" but who you are. There is only one you, and there is a God that loves you enough to die to save you from this world. He believes that you are special, and that you are worth everything.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
captivating
"Every woman knows now that she is not what she was meant to be. And she fears that soon it will be known - if it hasn't already been discovered - and she will be abandoned. Left alone to die a death of the heart. This is a woman's wors fear - abandonment. (Isn't it?) Rather than turning back to God, reversing the posture that brought about our crisis in the first place, we continue down that path by doing what we can to secure ourselves in a dangerous and unpredictable world.
And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was so badly answered in our youth. 'Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?' We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer
... We are wounded into believing horrible things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."
(Captivating by John/Stasi Eldredge)
(emphasis - own)
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Bingo.
Pretty sure I won't do any homework tonight, because I'll be reading this. After finishing it, pretty sure I'll read Wild at Heart. Truth, is addictive. Hard to handle, crazy to deal with, yet so much better than falsehood. Even at the young age of 19, it's interesting to look back on high school, middle school, last semester even. I can now see, so clearly, the walls that I've put up. The protection that I've created, to deal with the fear of being abandoned. Dropped. There have been countless rationales about why, and how it was fine. Pretending that it didn't matter to me, that I was strong enough, independent enough, tough enough to deal. Man, this world is a scary place.
And down in the depths of our hearts, our Question remains. Unanswered. Or rather, it remains answered in the way it was so badly answered in our youth. 'Am I lovely? Do you see me? Do you want to see me? Are you captivated by what you find in me?' We live haunted by that Question, yet unaware that it still needs an answer
... We are wounded into believing horrible things about ourselves. And so every woman comes into the world set up for a terrible heartbreak."
(Captivating by John/Stasi Eldredge)
(emphasis - own)
__________________________________________________________________________________________
Bingo.
Pretty sure I won't do any homework tonight, because I'll be reading this. After finishing it, pretty sure I'll read Wild at Heart. Truth, is addictive. Hard to handle, crazy to deal with, yet so much better than falsehood. Even at the young age of 19, it's interesting to look back on high school, middle school, last semester even. I can now see, so clearly, the walls that I've put up. The protection that I've created, to deal with the fear of being abandoned. Dropped. There have been countless rationales about why, and how it was fine. Pretending that it didn't matter to me, that I was strong enough, independent enough, tough enough to deal. Man, this world is a scary place.
Monday, March 9, 2009
guilt
http://www.blackhawkchurch.org/media_handlers/show_sermon.php?id=444&size=large
I really like this sermon. If you have time, you should watch it. If you don't have time, you should make time.
I really like this sermon. If you have time, you should watch it. If you don't have time, you should make time.
quarter to noon
I have French in 20 minutes. I'm sitting in Liz, which is always busy at lunch. I am attempting to finish up some nursing homework before tonight's lecture. I have a quiz too, which I don't think I ever really read for. But, I have 3 1/2 hours after French until I leave again, so it shouldn't be that bad.
This is the most pointless blog ever, I'm pretty sure. I'm always so flabbergasted that anyone else would read it. It's simply my ranting, and not wanting to save it to a word doc, because my computer's hard-drive is almost full. So it's online instead, where the memory isn't affected. However, that being said, if you do read this, kudo points.
Je vais aller. Au revoir.
This is the most pointless blog ever, I'm pretty sure. I'm always so flabbergasted that anyone else would read it. It's simply my ranting, and not wanting to save it to a word doc, because my computer's hard-drive is almost full. So it's online instead, where the memory isn't affected. However, that being said, if you do read this, kudo points.
Je vais aller. Au revoir.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
perhaps I'm sick
I'm intentionally and purposefully listening to Sweet Thing by Keith Urban, and What Hurts The Most by Rascal Flatts. This is scary. I actually bought them on iTunes, and I actually like them. They're darned catchy. I blame Fargo.It must be that I'm up too late. Yeah, that's it.
slush makes my jeans wet
I am frustrated with the weather. Friday was such a tease. It was gorgeous out, and I wish it weren't so horribly disgusting today. I walked home after work, because I hate the bus, and because I hate waiting, and in all honesty, I like walking. It gives me time to unwind, especially after sitting at Walgreens for eight hours. Music is my friend during such times, and it was good to mechanically climb Bascom and listen to Relient K.
In general, I am in a worse mood when it's crappy outside. I was so excited to simply be alive on Friday, but today? Today just hates me, I swear. Yet I am going to find a way to look past the problems that I'm up against, because I think that I complain way too much. And complaining doesn't get me anywhere. Easier said than done.
I saw two people steal stuff from work today. I wanted to punch a guy in the face. I don't understand who thinks that taking things is okay. Really? Buy it, you jerk. And I don't get how people say they don't have money for whatever it is that they're taking, when they're sitting there in a Northface jacket, wearing a pair of Uggs. You're kidding me, right? I'm sure you have the money. Stop jacking up the prices for everyone else, because we have to compensate for the fact that things go missing. You're screwing everyone else over, and I don't think that's very kind of you. I think it's kind of a bitch-move. So stop it. Literally, if it were my store, I would have tackled that guy. I was so pissed. People wonder why things keep getting more and more expensive at a store like that? Ask the guy who jacks cologne, and the girl who steals expensive makeup. The company has to make up for their losses, so they charge everyone else more, simply because a few jerks decide that they're going to stick it to "the man" and not pay for something. Not okay.
It's already quarter to six, and I have so much to do. I have one week until I will be warm. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I wonder if it's possible though, because of the one thing that has been continually making my brain freak out. I don't foresee it getting any better in the next week, or two weeks. That doesn't really help. I wish I would stop spazzing. Why is this so hard for me?
[the rest of this was added Monday, March 9 2009]
On the whole stealing thing. I was thinking today about it, but as much as it angers me, I think that it makes me more sad than anything else. Firstly, why do we have this insatiable need for things? Things won't make us happy. Things won't love us. Things won't fill the gaping hole that's in your life. It makes me sad to see students taking things that they think they're entitled to, or that they think will make them prettier, or better, or happier. No such thing exists. I wonder if they've ever stopped to think about that. I wonder if anyone's ever told them? Maybe it isn't about the money at all. Maybe it's that they're trying to cover up the hurt with having the people in this world tell them that they're beautiful, or that they're worth something. Sooner or later, people will disappoint. And then where will they be? They'll still be lost.
Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
In general, I am in a worse mood when it's crappy outside. I was so excited to simply be alive on Friday, but today? Today just hates me, I swear. Yet I am going to find a way to look past the problems that I'm up against, because I think that I complain way too much. And complaining doesn't get me anywhere. Easier said than done.
I saw two people steal stuff from work today. I wanted to punch a guy in the face. I don't understand who thinks that taking things is okay. Really? Buy it, you jerk. And I don't get how people say they don't have money for whatever it is that they're taking, when they're sitting there in a Northface jacket, wearing a pair of Uggs. You're kidding me, right? I'm sure you have the money. Stop jacking up the prices for everyone else, because we have to compensate for the fact that things go missing. You're screwing everyone else over, and I don't think that's very kind of you. I think it's kind of a bitch-move. So stop it. Literally, if it were my store, I would have tackled that guy. I was so pissed. People wonder why things keep getting more and more expensive at a store like that? Ask the guy who jacks cologne, and the girl who steals expensive makeup. The company has to make up for their losses, so they charge everyone else more, simply because a few jerks decide that they're going to stick it to "the man" and not pay for something. Not okay.
It's already quarter to six, and I have so much to do. I have one week until I will be warm. Hopefully I can hold out that long. I wonder if it's possible though, because of the one thing that has been continually making my brain freak out. I don't foresee it getting any better in the next week, or two weeks. That doesn't really help. I wish I would stop spazzing. Why is this so hard for me?
[the rest of this was added Monday, March 9 2009]
On the whole stealing thing. I was thinking today about it, but as much as it angers me, I think that it makes me more sad than anything else. Firstly, why do we have this insatiable need for things? Things won't make us happy. Things won't love us. Things won't fill the gaping hole that's in your life. It makes me sad to see students taking things that they think they're entitled to, or that they think will make them prettier, or better, or happier. No such thing exists. I wonder if they've ever stopped to think about that. I wonder if anyone's ever told them? Maybe it isn't about the money at all. Maybe it's that they're trying to cover up the hurt with having the people in this world tell them that they're beautiful, or that they're worth something. Sooner or later, people will disappoint. And then where will they be? They'll still be lost.
Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
Saturday, March 7, 2009
the use of thimbles
Ignoring all accents. And the fact that I only think that I'm saying this correctly, even if perhaps I'm not. And ignoring the fact that it's legitly sprench. Whatevs.
J'ai envie de parler avec tu. Je veux que je peux parler avec tu maintenent, mais je ne peux pas. Te amo. Deseo que yo puedo visitar. Pero no puedo, porque no tengo dinero o un coche. Je ne pas compris tampoco. Comment dit-on "to miss" en francais? Je vais dormir ce soir. Yo tengo que trabajar manana. No quiero. :/
Even if it is correct in grammar, I'm pretty sure it still doesn't make sense to anyone else, because I'm too random, and I'm not really connecting ideas well at all. But, I like it, and I understand it. So maybe it's my own version of igpay atinlay. Which I love. Anyway, I've come to find that there are two skills that I wish I had. I wish that I could dance. And I wish that I knew at least one other language, fluently. I am making new life goals.
J'ai envie de parler avec tu. Je veux que je peux parler avec tu maintenent, mais je ne peux pas. Te amo. Deseo que yo puedo visitar. Pero no puedo, porque no tengo dinero o un coche. Je ne pas compris tampoco. Comment dit-on "to miss" en francais? Je vais dormir ce soir. Yo tengo que trabajar manana. No quiero. :/
Even if it is correct in grammar, I'm pretty sure it still doesn't make sense to anyone else, because I'm too random, and I'm not really connecting ideas well at all. But, I like it, and I understand it. So maybe it's my own version of igpay atinlay. Which I love. Anyway, I've come to find that there are two skills that I wish I had. I wish that I could dance. And I wish that I knew at least one other language, fluently. I am making new life goals.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
woot woot
So, as much as I hate greyhound buses, and the corporation in general, I am grateful today for them. Because I have gone home several times, and I have some sort of like...student card for it, they decided to be kind and send me a coupon. So, I got a super duper cheap ticket. And, this means that going home will cost half as much as normal. Not bad, not bad at all. This being said, I am now going home for Easter. Stoked. 3-day weekend. Yeah, yeah, I know that it isn't for another month or so. BUT, I look forward to sleeping in my own bed. Even if it is far far away at the moment.
I think that in the past two years, I should've counted the number of times that I heard the phrase "you know." The count would be astronomical, I'm sure. I wish I would never hear it ever again.
One last thing. I apologize for the fact that my blogs are completely inconsequential. This will probably continue to happen, because I'm currently lacking my obsession of facebook status updates. :/ I need to get over that one. I'm only one week down. And I feel as though this simply is taking the place of that, and kills my time management just as much. So, with that being said. I'm limiting my blogging as of now as well. I need to honestly just kill the internet and stay away from my computer. I think that would be best.
I think that in the past two years, I should've counted the number of times that I heard the phrase "you know." The count would be astronomical, I'm sure. I wish I would never hear it ever again.
One last thing. I apologize for the fact that my blogs are completely inconsequential. This will probably continue to happen, because I'm currently lacking my obsession of facebook status updates. :/ I need to get over that one. I'm only one week down. And I feel as though this simply is taking the place of that, and kills my time management just as much. So, with that being said. I'm limiting my blogging as of now as well. I need to honestly just kill the internet and stay away from my computer. I think that would be best.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
will power
I'm not going to lie. This is taking a lot more energy than I expected. I'm so close to breaking, but I can't do it. I won't let myself. [You probably think I'm talking about Lent. That's the catch. This has nothing to do with that.]
In other news... I'm officially living with three of my favorite people in the entire world. I mean, you could argue that statement, but, it's legit. We signed for the apartment today. I'm stoked. Cookies, on Greta, all next year. We're gonna miss Al-buna though. Hahaha. Good name. I'm sure she'll be over often. :)
I went to bed at 9:00 yesterday. I think I might make that a more normal thing, because I woke up, and for once, wasn't bothered by the fact that I had to get out of bed. It was absolutely fantastic. Sadly, going to bed earlier, is a win-lose situation. Win because: I get more sleep. Lose because: the reason that I wasn't getting sleep in previous weeks made me smile.
In other news... I'm officially living with three of my favorite people in the entire world. I mean, you could argue that statement, but, it's legit. We signed for the apartment today. I'm stoked. Cookies, on Greta, all next year. We're gonna miss Al-buna though. Hahaha. Good name. I'm sure she'll be over often. :)
I went to bed at 9:00 yesterday. I think I might make that a more normal thing, because I woke up, and for once, wasn't bothered by the fact that I had to get out of bed. It was absolutely fantastic. Sadly, going to bed earlier, is a win-lose situation. Win because: I get more sleep. Lose because: the reason that I wasn't getting sleep in previous weeks made me smile.
Monday, March 2, 2009
project
I'm not going to find out for about four weeks. I hate waiting. Yet, whenever I think about how much I hate waiting, I then automatically think about IF - If you can wait and not be tired by waiting... And then I usually calm down and realize how good life is. But still, I want plans for this summer. I want concrete plans. I have too many things that I could do.
1. Summer Project
2. Work all summer, save money for Fall Semester
3. Take classes at the U
4. Waste my summer? Roadtrip/chill/kinda work
And they all have pros and cons. A project would probably be the most rewarding. But honestly, the one person that I'd want to spend my summer with anyway, will be gone, (I'm stoked for you though). If I do go on a project, I have to miss the one thing that I have looked forward to for the past two years, that promises to be amazing. That would suck. And not to mention, if I have to find a way to pay for project, it won't work to ask my family to support me to ditch out on the reunion. Whoops. That might epically fail. But do I really want to waste my life away working 8-4 every day, for the entire summer? It's soooooo not worth it. I'm already burned out on school, so I don't want to really take classes. But then again, it would be nice to actually finish a degree in 4 years. Bleh, why do I have to make decisions like this? I don't want to think about my future yet, it's toooooo scary. I'm nineteen, and all the times I've contemplate the future, I just freak out. I have no idea what the future holds. I can't even tell you what I'll be doing in a month, or tomorrow. Seriously, how can I be expected to plan my life, or my summer? Lame, sauce.
I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to go see something beautiful. I want to spend time with some friends, and show them some national parks. I've seen a lot of them, and I'm telling you right now, they are worth your time, because a lot of them are to die for. God is so creative. I want to go to Washington, but that... I doubt would work out. Besides, I'd have to go there by myself, because no one would want to come with me. And I'm not about to do a 30 hour drive all by my lonesome. I can barely stay awake for 3 1/2 by myself. I need people.
Patience...is not my strength, to be sure. I wish that March/April would be over. I want it to be warm, and I want to not do homework anymore. Sad thing is, we're only half done with the semester. So, looks like I'll have to suck it up. Gosh, I need to go do some homework. I should swear off blogspot like I did facebook. Maybe I'd be more productive.
1. Summer Project
2. Work all summer, save money for Fall Semester
3. Take classes at the U
4. Waste my summer? Roadtrip/chill/kinda work
And they all have pros and cons. A project would probably be the most rewarding. But honestly, the one person that I'd want to spend my summer with anyway, will be gone, (I'm stoked for you though). If I do go on a project, I have to miss the one thing that I have looked forward to for the past two years, that promises to be amazing. That would suck. And not to mention, if I have to find a way to pay for project, it won't work to ask my family to support me to ditch out on the reunion. Whoops. That might epically fail. But do I really want to waste my life away working 8-4 every day, for the entire summer? It's soooooo not worth it. I'm already burned out on school, so I don't want to really take classes. But then again, it would be nice to actually finish a degree in 4 years. Bleh, why do I have to make decisions like this? I don't want to think about my future yet, it's toooooo scary. I'm nineteen, and all the times I've contemplate the future, I just freak out. I have no idea what the future holds. I can't even tell you what I'll be doing in a month, or tomorrow. Seriously, how can I be expected to plan my life, or my summer? Lame, sauce.
I want to go on a roadtrip. I want to go see something beautiful. I want to spend time with some friends, and show them some national parks. I've seen a lot of them, and I'm telling you right now, they are worth your time, because a lot of them are to die for. God is so creative. I want to go to Washington, but that... I doubt would work out. Besides, I'd have to go there by myself, because no one would want to come with me. And I'm not about to do a 30 hour drive all by my lonesome. I can barely stay awake for 3 1/2 by myself. I need people.
Patience...is not my strength, to be sure. I wish that March/April would be over. I want it to be warm, and I want to not do homework anymore. Sad thing is, we're only half done with the semester. So, looks like I'll have to suck it up. Gosh, I need to go do some homework. I should swear off blogspot like I did facebook. Maybe I'd be more productive.
3.2.1
So, I realized today just how horribly I am behind. Literally, I... am to a point where I don't even want to think about it, because it makes me want to go and curl up in a ball on my bed and never move again. I'm too stressed out to even function, but I have to. This morning, I contemplated skipping class to finish up some stuff, but realized that it would make it harder to do things later. Basically, I have absolutely no money, and I have no free time this week. All I will be doing, is homework. Ugh.
The only reason I won't be doing homework, is if I get a phone call. People are still important, but I need to make sure that I have time to finish things. At the moment though, I would much rather talk to someone instead of do this assignment on insurance. However, my phone is silent, and I'm taking that as an indication that I should work. I need to start getting more sleep, even if I like my previous distraction. Somehow, it seems that it won't be as crazy as it was. I don't really know what to think about that. I guess I'll get back to my homework. There's nothing else for me to be doing.
On the bright side - it's sunny out. Cold, but at least sunny. That makes my day better.
On the down side - my headphones broke. So I'm iPod-less. And super bummed. I had an extra pair, but I loaned (no, not borrowed) them to Jackie, and I have yet to get them back. Hopefully soon. I want music, but living in a dorm means that other people listen to it, and I hate disturbing others. I can't wait til I get an apartment. Oh, happy day.
The only reason I won't be doing homework, is if I get a phone call. People are still important, but I need to make sure that I have time to finish things. At the moment though, I would much rather talk to someone instead of do this assignment on insurance. However, my phone is silent, and I'm taking that as an indication that I should work. I need to start getting more sleep, even if I like my previous distraction. Somehow, it seems that it won't be as crazy as it was. I don't really know what to think about that. I guess I'll get back to my homework. There's nothing else for me to be doing.
On the bright side - it's sunny out. Cold, but at least sunny. That makes my day better.
On the down side - my headphones broke. So I'm iPod-less. And super bummed. I had an extra pair, but I loaned (no, not borrowed) them to Jackie, and I have yet to get them back. Hopefully soon. I want music, but living in a dorm means that other people listen to it, and I hate disturbing others. I can't wait til I get an apartment. Oh, happy day.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
it's sunday already?
I don't want to go back to school. And yet, I don't want to stay here. I want my bed, and I want to sleep until I can't sleep anymore. And I want more than 5 hours.
Truly, I don't even want to talk about my weekend. Anything I say will come across the wrong way, and in the present situation, that is an enormous fear of mine. Everything I say can, and will be used against me. And not only that, but words lack feeling from this far away, and it simply isn't the same. The next few months might be...well, actually, I should refrain from using an adjective at all, seeing as it too will have an effect. Shucks. I'll just shut up then.
Truly, I don't even want to talk about my weekend. Anything I say will come across the wrong way, and in the present situation, that is an enormous fear of mine. Everything I say can, and will be used against me. And not only that, but words lack feeling from this far away, and it simply isn't the same. The next few months might be...well, actually, I should refrain from using an adjective at all, seeing as it too will have an effect. Shucks. I'll just shut up then.
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