wishful thinking

I wish that I could see into your thoughts, as you see into parts of mine. I think that a part of me has always wanted to know everything. Yeah, I realize, this is totally impossible, and it's a ridiculous, unrealistic want. However, it isn't really even so much of wanting to know everything, as much as it has been wanting to know everyone's thoughts that ever concerned me. I hate being left in the dark, especially when something pertains to me.

I'm contemplating too much, and not doing enough homework. I've come to grips with the fact that I think my worst fear is being dropped. Abandoned. Yet it isn't even something that I can't deal with, so I don't know if I'd consider it a fear that really affects me. It just kind of exists. There have been countless people in my life that have simply slipped into oblivion. And I hate that after time, it becomes awkward. I hate that there's no easy way to ask them about it. You can't really slip that into a conversation, nonchalantly saying "So, why haven't you cared to talk to me in the last few months?" They simply leave, and never bother to tell you why. I'm so sick of it.

Moving hasn't helped, but I feel as though I can't use it as an excuse, because if I had cared more...maybe then I would've kept up better relationships with people. But have you ever tried to keep a relationship with someone that far away? And if you have, if that person never attempts to contact you, doesn't it get draining? Honestly, that's a stupid question, because the answer is simple. If it's one sided, if the other person doesn't want to put in the effort, then yeah, it's draining. It's nearly impossible. But how do you go about asking someone if you're worth it to them? The answer is sure to disappoint. "No, I don't care enough to talk to you." or, perhaps "Yes, I do care, but I'm so busy that I don't have time."

I think that's one of my least favorite phrases - "I'm so busy." Honestly, no you aren't. You're just as busy as anyone else. You show me how much you're doing, and I'll show you at least five minutes that you dawdled, and wasted. It's an excuse, and I loathe it. I wish people would straight up tell you that they don't want to make time for you. At least that way you would be able to get over it, instead of continually waiting for them to have time for you. I hate that I let myself make time for people, over and over again, to have them simply ignore me, or tell me time and time again that they'll call me soon. They never do.

Yes, I know that this is hard. Yes, I know that people have other things to do. But really, maybe my priorities are simply different, but honestly? Honestly, think about what's important in life. What is it? God? Family? Money? Academics? Sports? Tell me, what? Where do people fit on that list, pray tell? Aren't relationships more important, aren't friendships and people, more important than your watching a movie, or your being on facebook? ...Maybe I just wasn't ever on anyone's "good friends" list, important enough to keep in touch with. That spins me around, into questioning why I wasn't good enough, but really, I don't want to get into that at the moment. It would take so much energy...

I think that's why by my own academics I failed last semester though. I mean, I didn't fail, but compared to what I thought, to how I was, I didn't do nearly as well. It was because I valued people first, and I don't see why that's so horrible in this day and age. I spent time with people, rather than doing my reading. I talked to people, instead of doing worksheets. Someone show me how this is a bad thing.

I'm done ranting. I hope for your sake you didn't actually read all of this, because I'm not even sure I make sense anymore.