the 4th L

So, Cru made me pretty much cry. I couldn't sing, I couldn't speak for awhile, I couldn't do anything but sit there, and pray. Sit there and quietly talk to the One who has done everything for me. And here I sit, ungrateful, an epic failure, a terrible sinner, and one who doubts time and time again. Yet He loves me. He died for me. How can we as mere humans even fathom that? I can't imagine. I'm selfish, I'm rude, I'm difficult.

I met up with a friend today in between classes. And I realized as I was talking to her, that I harbor...so much bitterness. So much. For incalculable offenses. I have a good memory, and I've always kind of prided myself on it (my first mistake). And because of this, I don't forget. I haven't forgotten anything. I tell myself that I have forgiven the transgression, but deep down, I haven't forgotten. I still use it as a template for future references. I still think of it when I come into contact with that person. It breaks my heart, and I want to say it isn't true. I want to let go, I want to forgive. I want to forget, and not keep a record of wrongs. I want to give people more chances, and not hold it against them. I'm sure I've wronged people, over and over again. I would hate it if people held that against me. That would be terrible, because there are some things that honestly, I wouldn't be able to deal with their holding against me. But I don't know how to let go.

I need to find a way to give it to God. I can't be filled with grace and forgiveness of my own accord, for I am merely a human, one who sins daily and might once in awhile consider herself a failure.

However, I had a conversation with a different friend. And we spoke about what we see as the future of this campus. Of what we dream for in five years from now. Where this movement is headed. God is planning such great things, if we would only ask Him and trust Him with it. He can move the hearts of people, He can send us to the world. We only have to listen and go. My friend and I talked about daily quiet time, and what it means for us to have it, why we need it. What it would look like if every freshman here in Cru (and well, every Christian on campus in general) devoted an hour of every single day to having quiet time. And then talking to each other about it. Learning, together. How would that change things? It could be catastrophic to the people who don't know Christ here, because maybe, it would turn their world upside down, through us.

We can continue to pray. Please join us in this, and pray for this campus, or yours. Pray that we would trust the Lord, for He is good, and He is mighty. Our God saves, and I can't wait to see how. But I know that I am a sent one. I can't wait to see how it looks in my life, but I am thankful for going, wherever that might be.