board game of awesomeness

So, my day got better. I freaked out a little, and to calm myself down, took a nap. When I woke up, it was brilliant. It's been a good evening. I'm excited for tomorrow. Woot. 12 ish hours from now I shall get to see a person that I really enjoy. Killer awesome.

I finished that paper, at like, 3:15 in the morning. It was ridiculously late, but really, that's how I function! I hope it turned out well, because I really liked it. I enjoy talking about the Bible, in general. It makes me happy. It's such a fantastic guide to life. My favorite thing that came out of my paper, was my renewed understanding and awe of grace.

The Old Testament, is so full of rules, if you never noticed. And those rules, from what I understand, were the way to God. "And if we are careful to obey all this law before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness." (Deut 6:25)

Yet, here's the New Testament "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)

We can screw up, and be forgiven. That is beyond words of my vocabulary. How simply, unbelievable is that? I know that I could never follow all of the rules. I break them every day, heck, probably every minute. Seriously, that's impossible. But God knew that, and sent His Son to free us from that sin. I'm so thankful. I would be royally screwed without Him. I honestly don't know what my life would look like. I pray that you appreciate the turn over from rules to grace as much as I do.

On a different note, I didn't leave school until this morning, because of the weather. So, that means I didn't miss Cru! Woot woot. I'm trying not to miss it all semester. That, and church. Awe-some. Anyway, Lauren spoke. And something that really stuck with me, was about the alcohol. I know I just wrote about this, but really, it's been something that I feel really, well, convicted, to not take part in.

1 Corinthians 10:31-33: "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everybody in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved."

I know that a lot of people struggle with drinking. I know that a lot of college students, especially at my campus, have problems with this. I'm not going to add to it by causing them to fall. I don't want to give that example. If that means that people think that I'm not having "fun" or if it means they think I'm weird, or whatever, well then, I'll deal with that. I hope that it makes them think though, makes them question. So, though I don't think she will ever see this - I want to thank Lauren. Good message girl.

static

Well, basically, I'm in a shitty mood. This is obnoxious.

a road trip of a different kind

So, I think that 18 ish hours in a vehicle, in one weekend, is pretty legit. That's a lot of driving. No, it's not in one clear shot, and is actually going to be drawn out over a 4 day weekend starting tomorrow right after class. However, I am simply stating the fact that it is a lengthy amount of time to be spending in a car, or on a Greyhound. Thankfully, the Greyhound portion of the trip will only be about 5 hours. Not fun at all, but at least all 18 or so aren't on a bus. I think that might just kill me.

I'm still working on my paper, but even though one would think that I'm sick of writing at the moment, I just am a little sick of the noise level. The writing isn't actually that bad, and it's just taking some time to process, but I really don't mind it. And besies, blogging isn't the same kind of writing as an essay, so this doesn't make it more harsh, or anything. I kinda have a headache, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that it's because of the obnoxiously loud people who've been in the den while I was attempting to concentrate on this paper. I wised up, and moved to the basement, where the level of noise is much, much lower.

I just have to make it through this paper, and then, essentially, I'm free until Sunday. I have some minor things that I should get done Friday, but I'm not going to freak out about them. I have to make it for the next...9 hours, until I turn this in, and then I just have to manage through classes, and finally leave at about 4:00. I can't wait to fall asleep in my own bed, for three nights in a row. How fantastic.

Oh, I bought the song Singin in the Rain last night off of iTunes, and honestly, I love that scene from the movie. It is so...pure, I guess. The guy is so in love that he doesn't mind the pouring rain. Cute. Not gonna lie though, I love the pouring rain more often than not, and today was one of those days. It drizzled this morning, and then started actually raining as I went to class. I had my hood down, and that song was in my headphones, and life was freaking good, man. I pity the poor fool who walks around with an umbrella. Live a little! The feeling of rain, is amazing. The only time it isn't, is if it's super windy, and it's painful. But if it's simply raining, it's spectacular. I don't know why others don't like it. It boggles my mind.

Can we fast forward to Saturday please?

pond of death

Sitting here, in a cage, at Mem Library, writing this insanely open ended essay about the Bible, I can watch the sunlight slowly vanish. I remember last semester, sitting in one of these for a 6-hour span, attempting to write my paper on the treatment of Jews in Medieval Europe. That was way less fun, because it required documents, and citations, and what not. This? This paper is so not structured, that I have too many ideas, and too many things that I could possibly talk about.

I mean, really. All I was told is to contrast the Jewish Bible and the New Testament with respect to Salvation. (There are like 10 things you could've chosen to contrast, I just like the idea of Salvation, and I knew it would be spectacularly easy, seeing as it's something I know about). The only thing I can use at all, is my Bible. How handy is that? It's the only thing, other than my journal, that I carry with me everywhere I go. I know by heart a lot of the verses that I'm using in my argument. I just don't know where to start, is the problem. I feel as if I could go on for page after page, and I'm limited to about 4 or 5, after I actually include the quotes. Boo on that. Not that I actually want to write a longer paper, because it would obviously take more time, but seriously, this will not be enough to do it justice.

So yeah, It's due in...15 hours, exactly. I have to email it to my TA. I should probably start it, dontcha think? Too bad that my brain doesn't respond unless there is a deadline. Good thing there is one now.

40 days and 40 nights

Of no facebook, no coffee, no television/movies. This is gonna be a stretch, but it's more than necessary. Everytime I go to get coffee, I shall drink water. Whenever I want to get on facebook, I shall work on one of the papers that I still have to do. Not to mention, a week of no skype. I need to concentrate on my school work. It's why I'm here. I need to concentrate on a daily quiet time that is way more structured than the ones I'm doing now. I need to not fail. And I need to keep in step with the One who actually knows what I'm supposed to be doing. So, here it starts.

I had an interesting conversation with some of the people in my french class today. We were discussing giving things up for Lent. And a guy said that he stopped trying because whatever he gives up, he always ends up doing at one point or another when he's drunk. I suggested he give up drinking...and he said that it was what college was for. He didn't believe me when I looked at him and told him that I loved my life and had never had a beer. He thought I was being sarcastic. Then I told him that I rarely watch tv, and he just laughed, asking "What on earth do you do? Should I call the fun police?"

Always intruiging to me is how little people are exposed to this alternative. It breaks my heart to see my fellow students stumble home on a Saturday night, because I wonder what drove them to it. I'm not saying they're bad people, or that I think any less of them for it. I just simply will never understand the motivation of wanting to get so hammered that you don't remember anything the next morning. What are they trying to forget? How pained they must be that they don't want to experience their lives.

Interestingly enough, today in my health care class, the guest lecturer was talking about Public Health, and its stance on prevention. He gave us an example of some drownings in La Crosse. Like 9 young men (college students) have drown in the last 10 years. And apparently the community kept thinking that there was a serial killer or something. The reality of the matter is most likely that these guys got extremely drunk, and accidentally ended up in the water. They died. This is not a funny issue, and it pains me to watch students brush off such things as if they don't exist. Like it could never happen to them, or anyone they know. I'm sure that this guy didn't go to the bar that night thinking he wouldn't be around the next day. I'm sure it didn't cross his mind that anything terrible would happen. It was just another weekend, like all the others.

People get hurt when alcohol is involved. I know that the chances are always slim, but there's still a chance. I don't understand how it's worth some of the risks. I don't enjoy watching others waste their lives away, and I wish that I could persuade them to stop. But most of them don't until something terrible happens. By then, it's too late. I wonder what would happen if all the students of Madison gave up drinking for the next 40 days. It would be incredible.

wow

I wish that I could help. But there are some times, when I can't. I want to be able to say something, that might ease the mind just a bit, that might relieve some of the pressure, yet I am at a complete loss for words. I don't know how to deal with the situation at hand. I'll do the one thing that I can - pray.

This weekend, no homework was accomplished. Why must there always be something else to do? I have a love/hate relationship with weekends. I worked Friday night. Watched Rent with Alyssa. A movie that I had not yet seen, but I don't think I'll ever need to see again. The music was good, but it's a terrible movie. Saturday, we did indeed make pancakes for the dorm, and it was pretty much fabulous. Chocolate chip pancakes on a blizzard-y Saturday = smiles and happy college students. That was fantastic. Saturday night was the Freshman dinner, which was a blast. Then the girls and I dyed my hair, and watched Becoming Jane.

It is the most depressing movie I think I've seen. I forgot how sad it made me the first time, when I saw it in theaters with Rae. Ohmygosh. Other than, say, the Passion, I don't think I've been as sad during a movie. (Please don't bring up the Notebook. Least fave movie, just because everyone was obsessed with it, and it isn't that amazing). Anyway, yeah. So that was Saturday. Completely non-homework. Today, we went to the later church service, and then the bus took an hour to get back to the dorms, which is absolutely ridiculous. I had brunch, went on a run, went to the Lady In Waiting book thingie, came back...and had a talk with a friend. I just got back from a food run, and I'm sitting here, wondering what happened to my weekend, and all the time that I was going to use to write a paper/study for an exam. I'm such a terrible student.

I made a friend of mine apparently feel responsible for something today. I didn't mean to, and the problem in question has absolutely nothing to do with them, but I guess it came across the wrong way. I hate when that happens. I hate miscommunicating, it's always so complicated, and quite often, difficult to fix. So yeah, that was interesting.

I'm listening to Soon It's Gonna Rain from the Fantasticks. It makes me miss the guys. A lot. I should call them...I don't. I feel terrible, and it gets harder and harder to do the longer time goes on. Distance can suck it. I remember going to see this when their school put it on, and it was awkward, (not because I was with them), because LS completely ignored me. I thought she was going to confront me, after I had totally destroyed her front yard with some friends late one night. Oh, that was an interesting few months. But yeah, I enjoy this song.

Visiting, I feel, isn't an option anymore. I want to go back, but I feel as though I've drifted too far now. How sad. I realize that people come and go, and that things change, but it's still a hard pill to swallow. It's still difficult to accept the fact that I legitimately do not belong there anymore. That I don't know any of them. I know about them, but I do not know them. Lame Sauce.

too often

I blog too often. I should study more. But honestly, I have an exam that I'm leaving for in two hours, and I don't even know how to study. I've read everything. I've gone over all my notes. Bleh, I have issues with doing homework and school legitly. I'm sitting on the floor in my dorm, looking at different diagrams about DNA replication, eating dove chocolates, and wishing it could be 9:00 pm already. Oh, and of course I'm listening to music, currently the duet previously mentioned. Woot.

I know that the macromolecules are carbs, proteins, lipids, and NAs. I know that OH/SH/NH are hydrophilic. I know the 4 different levels of structure for a protein. I know the different functions of a lipid. And I know the difference between HDL and LDL. I know which fat is straight in form, which one is kinked. I can identify the cis and trans bonds. I know the different parts of a eukaryotic cell versus a prokaryotic one. Bleh, this is dull.

On a different note, I really need to not keep dove chocolates in my room. I swear I will end up eating an entire bag one of these days, and then I'm going to hate myself. I want it to get warmer, for Pete's sake, because I want to run outside. And I don't do pants, or long spandex. Which means, if it isn't warm enough for shorts, I don't run. And then I feel like the hugest lazy bum on the planet, and I slowly slip into a state of disliking myself. I want to go running. But it's like, 25 and wiiiiiiindy.

I'm still upset about yesterday. And I have so much to get done, that I'm trying to forget about it and move on, but I can't completely. It'll dwell, and I'm not happy. I want to erase the entire conversation from my head. Honestly, at times, I wish that I could erase all of MN from my head, so that the conversation might never have occurred in the first place. But that's not possible. It's in the past, and I know that I'm forgiven, and that things are better, and that I'm doing better, but still. "Learning experiences" can be annoying.

Yes, I realize that this is vague enough that no one will understand what I'm even talking about. That's how it goes sometimes though, because I understand it, and yeah. I need to go find out the differences between simple and facilitated diffusion!!! Woot. Easy schmezy. Peace.

someday we'll know

There's a song, entitled as such, that I am currently addicted to. I go through song addictions often, and it usually ends up being a song that I shall listen to, on repeat, for at least a few days. Then it goes on a play list with all of my past addictions. But yeah, it's from A Walk To Remember, a movie that I remember strongly disliking. I think the major reason I hated that movie, back like in 8th grade when I first saw it, was because I read the entire book by Sparks the day before I saw the movie. Movies never live up to the books, because the imagination is far too awesome, and no one ever gets it right. How could they? No one movie could ever incorporate everyone's idea of what it should look like. So yeah, the song. It's a duet of Mandy Moore, and...Jon Foreman. Oh, goody. Love him.

"Why aren't you here with me, tonight? Someday we'll know if love can move a mountain, someday we'll know why the sky is blue..." It's addictive. Whatevs though, I don't really mind if you disagree. I will still love it. I don't do the "music scene" thing. I just listen to what keeps me happy.

So, my day was... let's say draining? I think that works. My French class, usually one of the highlights of my day, was no fun at all, because all of my brain power was being sucked into something else from before that. It was terrible. A part of me hesitates to put this on blogspot, because I feel as though it should be something that I simply journal about to myself. Bleh. But yeah, let's simply say that I had a talk that I thought was really intrusive. I didn't really appreciate any of it - maybe 10% at best. It brought me from my normal happy, excited, loving mood to a place I didn't really want to be. It took me several hours to get back up to livable level, though I'm still a bit down. It kinda sucked, hardcore.

On a happy note, I pretty much quit my job. I have four shifts, and then I'm done. How nice will that be? I won't have any money, and will, like everyone else, be a poor college student. But, the hope is that I get a decent amount of sleep, and study some more than I do right now. It's been too much, and I can't focus on school. I feel like that should be my job, because the reason I'm here is to get an education. I can work later in life. Besides, Walgreens = a huge annoyance normally. So woot on that.

I think for once, I'm gonna hit the hay early. I have less than 20 hours to attempt to figure out how to not fail a zoology midterm. Oy vey.

"where you lead me

I will follow. Forever and a day. This is all i'm dreaming of. To live completely in Your love." - Mercy Me.

I totally stole all of Brynn's music off of her computer. And I love most of it. It has been so fantastic in general to just not be listening to the same songs over and over. I love the music that I have, but there's so much more out there! Woot for her and all of her awesome taste in music, and the random soundtracks that I now possess.

So I realized that I'm supposed to work three shifts this week. Is my boss honestly trying to kill me? I told him at the beginning of the semester that I could work one, or two. Not three. Definitely not three. But at the same time, I can't bring myself to tell him that I want less hours, because I want/need the money. Argh. Swash swash buckle buckle.

I'm tired. And I don't want to have a nursing quiz. Icky.

priorities

Mine are off. It shouldn't even be "eat, sleep, school." It should be Christ. First and foremost. The rest will take care of themselves. He's all I need, and I need to realize that. I need to trust His timing, and His word. School, and achievement are secondary. Finances, are tertiary. Primary objective - know Him. Don't simply know about Him. What a fabulously true message. We know about people, and say that they're our friends. How many of them do we honestly know?

We should strive to know God, not just know about Him. Anyone could list off adjectives that describe Him. Anyone can quote things found in the Bible. But the person that knows God? We should all want nothing more in our lives. We should cry at the mere mention of His name, because we are so intimately connected to Him. What a glorious day that would be! If only our lives were completely centered on the one thing that would keep them intact, God. Forget sleep. I'm going to read my Bible until I drift off. Then I'll wake up and thank Him for another day. And hopefully, repeat the process.

I literally am on the verge of tears. Life is ridiculous, and every time I come back to this simple truth, I can't believe that I ever left it, ever doubted it. I'm thankful that my eyes are reopened, yet apologetic that it took so long. Praise God for his faithfulness

weekends

are never long enough. Seriously, who made this system? I had a very fabulous weekend, but I need like...one more day. Just one. Make it a 3-4 instead of a 2-5 system. That would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I could leave Madison for a weekend if that happened. Or, you know, I could always just ditch class on Friday. Sounds fine by me! Woot.

Anywho, I liked this weekend. The dance was a lot of fun, and I stayed up probably too late, because I slept in until a ridiculous hour yesterday. Valentine's Day the girls spent the evening making dinner for the guys, and we all hung out and just chilled together. It was splendid. And of course, today was the normal Sunday, Blackhawk, brunch, NAP! I haven't really done enough homework to justify blogging, but whatevs. I live.

"Without love life is like rock n' roll without a drummer...Like a week that's only Mondays." Haha, that's fantastic. And a perfect picture for the girl who has more classes on Monday than any other day, and who doesn't come back to her room until like...7:00. Smiles.

I probably spent too much time contemplating different parts of my life this weekend. I was going to journal journal, legitly, but I kept falling asleep, so it never happened. Things have changed, and I am trying to process them all. It's a very difficult process. (I can't believe I just typed that line, because now it reminds me of Jenny, and the fact that I do not have FOTC tickets. LAME). But yeah, I don't really know what to think sometimes, other than I have been using my sister as an ultimate advice machine.

I really can't believe there's a chance of my not seeing her at all this summer. If I get accepted to go on a project, I won't at all, because I won't be at the reunion. I'm still so torn about that, but, my application is done, and turned in, and if I'm accepted to go to North Myrtle, I for sure am. Spring break is in...like a month, and I'm stoked to go to Florida. Absolutely excited to spend a week with Cru kids, at a warmer version of TCX.

"Lady in Waiting" - new book that I started while procrastinating on my homework. Seriously, I need to continue reading stuff like this, otherwise, I don't know how I'll keep my head screwed on sometimes. Reckless Abandonment. Two words that should equal my life. Follow Christ, no matter what. Love him, desire a relationship that is greater than any I shall find, ever. Be complete in Him. Oh, such simple ideas, to love him like you would a boyfriend/fiance/husband. Yet it's so hard to live out! I pray that I grow in such a relationship, daily, despite the world and all of its interferences. Join me?

valentine's day

I honestly, forgot this holiday existed this year. I don't really care about it at all. I'm not sad, whatsoever. I'm not going to be all "Oh, I hate being single; my life sucks" because really, that's just not the way to live. I am more of the opinion that this holiday is simply for Hallmark. If you have someone in your life, you shouldn't judge how much they care about you by what they do for you or get you today. That simply isn't fair. Yes, it's nice to get chocolates, or whatever. But this day is not the be-all end-all that some people think that it is.

Last night was too much fun for me to be sad today. Literally, I can only think of one possible thing that would've made it better. The awesomeness would've gone up exponentially, but regardless the dance was pretty darn brilliant. I'm going to say that it was at least an 8 out of 10 as far as good times go with all my friends. We had such a great group of people, and I love that we had so many of the Freshman class there. It's good to see us all bonding.

I got to waltz with Chris; made me happy to waltz because I love ballroom. I think that everyone should take classes someday, because it is so much fun. And not only that, but you can actually use it, and there are rules, and both people know what's going on. And it totally pwns the whole, "I'm gonna put my arms around you, and we'll just kinda shuffle side to side/circle around" thing. Which I don't even like doing. It's just no fun at all.

Homework finishing, is the goal for the day. Except that it's already past one, and I've only been awake for like 2 hours. That's what you get when you stay up until three or so watching Harry Potter after coming home from a dance at midnight. Oh well. Life is enjoyable, and there's no point in not living. These are the days that I'll remember. Not my tests, and my readings. Boo on homework. But really, I have a few papers, and a few tests in the next two weeks that I need to do. So, yes. Maybe I'll actually be productive.

bed time

should've been hours ago. I had originally implemented a "I'm going to sleep by midnight, every school night" plan, that didn't even work before I got back this semester, due to TCX and I string of events shortly afterwards. Not that I mind, at all. And actually, I like the reasons why I stay awake. I just wish that I could push them back a few hours, into the earlier evening. That would be splendid. Maybe that will be the new attempt, to have what goes on between 12-3 happen instead from like...8-11. Or something like that. I think it would fix a lot of problems. Like my lack of sleep. And the fact that I'm exhausted. I am exhausted. My eyelids are barely still open, and I know that as soon as I go back upstairs, and fall onto my bed I'll be out.

...It'll be really hard going to lecture tomorrow. Morning classes that aren't required on Friday mornings aren't a good plan. Never again. If this keeps up, by senior year, all of my classes will start at like...noon. Haha, I wish! I like staying up during the night, and sleeping until late afternoon. Maybe I just need to move to like...Hawaii. And let my sleep cycle deal with that, because right now, I could go to sleep, and I'd think it's like three, but it's like five hours before that! Which would mean a normal bedtime. How fantastic. I'll see what I can do about that.

Then again, as much as I have complained about the Midwest, or whatever, I have reason to stay here. I have pros that outweigh the cons. School and people are totally on that list, and pwning everything else. Friends probably even moreso than the school aspect of it. S'all good though. I'm going to bed. Night.

the 4th L

So, Cru made me pretty much cry. I couldn't sing, I couldn't speak for awhile, I couldn't do anything but sit there, and pray. Sit there and quietly talk to the One who has done everything for me. And here I sit, ungrateful, an epic failure, a terrible sinner, and one who doubts time and time again. Yet He loves me. He died for me. How can we as mere humans even fathom that? I can't imagine. I'm selfish, I'm rude, I'm difficult.

I met up with a friend today in between classes. And I realized as I was talking to her, that I harbor...so much bitterness. So much. For incalculable offenses. I have a good memory, and I've always kind of prided myself on it (my first mistake). And because of this, I don't forget. I haven't forgotten anything. I tell myself that I have forgiven the transgression, but deep down, I haven't forgotten. I still use it as a template for future references. I still think of it when I come into contact with that person. It breaks my heart, and I want to say it isn't true. I want to let go, I want to forgive. I want to forget, and not keep a record of wrongs. I want to give people more chances, and not hold it against them. I'm sure I've wronged people, over and over again. I would hate it if people held that against me. That would be terrible, because there are some things that honestly, I wouldn't be able to deal with their holding against me. But I don't know how to let go.

I need to find a way to give it to God. I can't be filled with grace and forgiveness of my own accord, for I am merely a human, one who sins daily and might once in awhile consider herself a failure.

However, I had a conversation with a different friend. And we spoke about what we see as the future of this campus. Of what we dream for in five years from now. Where this movement is headed. God is planning such great things, if we would only ask Him and trust Him with it. He can move the hearts of people, He can send us to the world. We only have to listen and go. My friend and I talked about daily quiet time, and what it means for us to have it, why we need it. What it would look like if every freshman here in Cru (and well, every Christian on campus in general) devoted an hour of every single day to having quiet time. And then talking to each other about it. Learning, together. How would that change things? It could be catastrophic to the people who don't know Christ here, because maybe, it would turn their world upside down, through us.

We can continue to pray. Please join us in this, and pray for this campus, or yours. Pray that we would trust the Lord, for He is good, and He is mighty. Our God saves, and I can't wait to see how. But I know that I am a sent one. I can't wait to see how it looks in my life, but I am thankful for going, wherever that might be.

lullabye

I want to go to the Billy Joel/Elton John concert. That would be amazing. My favorite song though, I think of Joel's is one that I don't think most people even really know exist. It's adorable, and it's so meaningful to me because it has been sprinkled throughout my life at different moments.

"Goodnight my angel time to close your eyes and save these questions for another day. i think I know what you've been asking me. I think you know what I've been trying to say. I promised I would never leave you. And you should always know. Wherever you may go, no matter where you are, I never will be far away.

Goodnight my angel now it's time to sleep. And still so many things I want to say. Remember all the songs you sang for me, when we went sailing on an emerald bay. And like a boat out on the ocean, I'm rocking you to sleep. The water's dark and deep inside this ancient heart; you'll always be a part of me.

Goodnight my angel now it's time to dream. And dream how wonderful your life will be. Someday your child may cry and if you sing this lullabye, then in your heart there will always be a part of me. Someday we'll all be gone, but lullabyes go on and on. They never die, that's how you and I will be."

It's a fantastic song. And I want to sing it, often. I have fallen asleep listening to this song, more times that I could ever attempt to count. And I want for my children someday to fall asleep to it as I have.

On a separate note. Today was horrid. There were sparkling moments, but as a whole, not a fabulous day. However, tonight? Bloody splendid. I will never not smile after a conversation like the one that I just had. It's simply impossible to not smile. Not that I'm really trying not to, but still. Anyway, I had a lot go wrong today, and a lot of things were stressful, but it's all better now. Not only have I talked to some really good friends, about options, reality, God's perfect timing, etc. But, I learned something that I hadn't known previously, something I had overlooked. And I wouldn't dream of lying, part of it kills me because I know of the downfalls. The other side of it makes me happier than I've been all day. Ugh.

Oh, and, here's a definition for you. Because it's a funny word, and I've probably heard it more times in the last month than I have in the two years.

SAUCY - impertinently bold and impudent

- amusingly forward and flippant : irrepressible

However, the highlight of my day wasn't the conversation. That was number two to the fact that I saw a face that was awestruck and grateful for a simple kind gesture today. I wish people would be kind more often, it moves people in such amazing ways.

not just for you

Psalm 27:14 -"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

I need to take my own advice. I read this, and told someone else about it. But I need it just as much as they did.

fail

I'm extremely annoyed right now. And I really want to curse. I want to go outside and scream. I should've known better. Serves me right to be patient. I got screwed. Again. Lesson learned, I'm not waiting next time. Screw that.

On a really really different note...I'm back to filling out my Summer Project application. Just in case I don't leave until August, if I leave at all. I want to keep my options open, and this is the best way to do so. Maybe this is what I'm supposed to be doing. Either way, I do not want to spend my summer at home, working at Walgreens, in Roseville, slowly dying. If I can't spend it abroad, I can't think of a better way to spend it than to go on a Project. Besides, it's what I've wanted from the beginning, so I want to at least see if I can go. Maybe this was the push I needed.

dreary

I remember in 9th grade, when I was playing softball in my sports P.E class. And we were outside, like usual, sometime in September/October. Whatever. It was cloudy, and grey, and generally very Seattle-ish. I turned to a friend of mine and said that it was "particularly dreary" and I wished that we were inside playing never ending dodgeball instead. He just blankly looked at me, and asked me to define the word. Oh, sad day, when people don't know what I'm saying. It probably happens often, though I doubt that now it's because of vocabulary, rather, instead due to the fact that my brain is not really good at keeping to a single subject, and I quote rather obscure things that only Rae seems to understand.

So, apparently it's snowing, or was snowing, over in WA. Which is strange, because today it looks like I'm in Seattle. However, I am starting to like today. It's not yet noon, and I feel accomplished already. I love having morning classes because I feel so on top of things. Except for the fact that I don't sleep, and I'm always uber tired, they're great! Haha. I think the reason that I never liked the weather in Seattle was because of my mindset, not because it actually is all that bad. I don't mind it so much anymore, because I'm happy regardless. How fantastic is that.

I have french in like half an hour. I had to come back to my dorm to finish up my homework, but it seriously took like five minutes. Mondays are long. But then again, most days are. Yet they go by quickly, unlike the 5 straight minutes of ab workout I did last night, which felt like an eternity. I hate planks.

sleep

shouldn't be necessary in life. I hate having to go to bed. Lame sauce. Times like a bajillion. "Responsibility" is not nearly as much fun as late night talks. Darn it anyway.

it's all about the change

So, I went with Alyssa to see Candide at the Mem U theater. It was fantastic. And it just reminded me of senior year, and the ridiculous amount of reading that I never actually did. It also reminded me of the art project that we did for that book, and how I hate that I am not artistic, and yeah. It was strange, but I liked it a lot. The orchestra was brilliant, and as I sat in awe of them, I felt a little bit inadequate for not being a good violinist. I hate that feeling. This weekend was overall, pretty good. I ended up sleeping through class on Friday, which was kinda bad because I was supposed to be in Ed Psych, for extra credit, and I wasn't!!! Oh well, it happens.

But Thursday night was...really good. So I don't mind that I overslept. It was worth it in some respects. Primetime is literally the highlight of my week, every week. The talk was about what it is like to actually love others, and have a heart not simply for a "people" but for a person. To realize that God loves everyone you know, intimately. I want to love them like that. It was really, really good. It hit home. I simply sat there, and couldn't really find words to speak for awhile, because I was just thinking about my life, and how I go about things daily. I want to love people, I want to show them that there is kindness in the world, that there's hope, that there's joy. That Christ died not just for an elusive "people", but for them. For you. I don't know if you knew that, or if you believe it, but I pray that you do. It's crazy powerful when you accept it as a fact in your life, and base everything else off of it. It's life-altering.

I am so amazed at how drastically things have changed since school started. Since the end of TCX. Since I started to take my own beliefs and my own faith seriously, and let myself believe it instead of simply knowing it intellectually. I'm so grateful for the changes.

Oh, and on a separate note, this, is how I feel at the moment: http://xkcd.com/352/ Fosh.

wishful thinking

I wish that I could see into your thoughts, as you see into parts of mine. I think that a part of me has always wanted to know everything. Yeah, I realize, this is totally impossible, and it's a ridiculous, unrealistic want. However, it isn't really even so much of wanting to know everything, as much as it has been wanting to know everyone's thoughts that ever concerned me. I hate being left in the dark, especially when something pertains to me.

I'm contemplating too much, and not doing enough homework. I've come to grips with the fact that I think my worst fear is being dropped. Abandoned. Yet it isn't even something that I can't deal with, so I don't know if I'd consider it a fear that really affects me. It just kind of exists. There have been countless people in my life that have simply slipped into oblivion. And I hate that after time, it becomes awkward. I hate that there's no easy way to ask them about it. You can't really slip that into a conversation, nonchalantly saying "So, why haven't you cared to talk to me in the last few months?" They simply leave, and never bother to tell you why. I'm so sick of it.

Moving hasn't helped, but I feel as though I can't use it as an excuse, because if I had cared more...maybe then I would've kept up better relationships with people. But have you ever tried to keep a relationship with someone that far away? And if you have, if that person never attempts to contact you, doesn't it get draining? Honestly, that's a stupid question, because the answer is simple. If it's one sided, if the other person doesn't want to put in the effort, then yeah, it's draining. It's nearly impossible. But how do you go about asking someone if you're worth it to them? The answer is sure to disappoint. "No, I don't care enough to talk to you." or, perhaps "Yes, I do care, but I'm so busy that I don't have time."

I think that's one of my least favorite phrases - "I'm so busy." Honestly, no you aren't. You're just as busy as anyone else. You show me how much you're doing, and I'll show you at least five minutes that you dawdled, and wasted. It's an excuse, and I loathe it. I wish people would straight up tell you that they don't want to make time for you. At least that way you would be able to get over it, instead of continually waiting for them to have time for you. I hate that I let myself make time for people, over and over again, to have them simply ignore me, or tell me time and time again that they'll call me soon. They never do.

Yes, I know that this is hard. Yes, I know that people have other things to do. But really, maybe my priorities are simply different, but honestly? Honestly, think about what's important in life. What is it? God? Family? Money? Academics? Sports? Tell me, what? Where do people fit on that list, pray tell? Aren't relationships more important, aren't friendships and people, more important than your watching a movie, or your being on facebook? ...Maybe I just wasn't ever on anyone's "good friends" list, important enough to keep in touch with. That spins me around, into questioning why I wasn't good enough, but really, I don't want to get into that at the moment. It would take so much energy...

I think that's why by my own academics I failed last semester though. I mean, I didn't fail, but compared to what I thought, to how I was, I didn't do nearly as well. It was because I valued people first, and I don't see why that's so horrible in this day and age. I spent time with people, rather than doing my reading. I talked to people, instead of doing worksheets. Someone show me how this is a bad thing.

I'm done ranting. I hope for your sake you didn't actually read all of this, because I'm not even sure I make sense anymore.

sick, sick

There's an atrocious odor coming from my roadie. I thought I had lost it, but it was under my bed. I last saw it...on Thursday? Which means that remnants of the cocoa/coffee mix that I was drinking, have been in there since. Ew. It was shut, and now it smells disgusting. I'm going to have to go clean that, and use a lot of soap.

In other news, I spent today, not working. I was supposed to, but a coworker asked if I could switch with her, and work this Saturday instead. That's fine by me. It's not like I've been getting homework done during the weekends anyway... But yeah, so, instead of working, I ran errands! I bought stuff (that I am pretty sure I don't have the money for) and chilled, and sat at my computer for way too long attempting to make some mixed cds. [By the by, I would love it if you made me a cd. Whoever you are, find some of your favorite songs, put them on a cd, and give it to me. It would make my week, probably. I love listening to music, whatever it is, and I love figuring out what everyone else actually listens to. If you don't have a cd, I'd be more than happy to give you one that's blank.]

So yes, instead of doing something "productive" I've instead been assembling a package. Can't figure out what else to put in it, but I think that it's pretty satisfactory. Have I ever mentioned that I freaking love getting mail? Literally, even if you live on Lakeshore with me, if you give me your address, I will send you stuff. I like getting mail, and assume that everyone does, so I try to send things to other people. Sometimes I fail dreadfully, and I'm very sorry about that. I am working on my promptness.

Bleh. I don't want to sleep. I want every day to be like today, minus the whole school part. Today was pretty fab. I want to talk to people. But they're all doing homework like good students. Argh (swash swash buckle buckle). Entertain me please. Otherwise, I'll have no other choice than to read my Ed Psych book. Boo.

answered prayer

God is amazing. Seriously, I love how he shows me how faithful he is. This weekend, prayers were answered, and I'm so esctatic. He is so faithful. I love it. I'm so excited to see how these things affect a few of my friends, and watch God work in their lives. Praise him, because he is good. :)

freshman class

So I'm sitting here, in the TLC, (which, I'm not going to lie, is kinda creepy, especially when you're the only one in here at about 2 am) because I'm doing my laundry in the basement, and I didn't feel like going back to my room just to come back down in a little bit. Anyway, so, Friday night we had our freshman overnighter, and it was a blessing to spend about 20 hours straight with everyone. I got no sleep, and consequently took a ridiculously long nap today, resulting in my getting no homework done, however it was totally worth it, and once again, I wouldn't trade things like this for anything.

It was good to meet some new people. I am very happy with the friends I've made here, and the group that I have, but I continue to feel as though we should branch out and be accepting of everyone, so it was good to have a chance to get to know people that I haven't been hanging out with for the entire last semester. Refreshing, really. I realized that I have a knack still for hanging out with boys. I only met one freshman guy that I didn't already know, whereas I met more than a dozen young women. I'm very glad for this, because as much as I love hanging out with the guys, I've finally come to realize what it is like to have sisters in Christ to talk with. It's priceless.

The super bowl was today, and I'm not going to lie, I don't care at all. I have found myself not wanting to be caught up in television, or sports, or really, anything so inconsequential. I'd rather have a conversation with a friend, or read a book. I'd rather do my homework. That's what I have been doing, since I woke up from my nap. Reading, for my Western Religious class. It's...different, let's say. A new perspective, for sure.

My TA told us that he grew up believing that everyone in America was a Catholic. Apparently, he says that happens when you grow up in Boston. I don't know how someone could be so completely sheltered to think that there aren't different ideas in this country, when you see people arguing about everything all the time, and what's "right." But, he was, and that's that. So, though he grew up in a hardcore Catholic community, it seems as though he doesn't believe the Bible at all. I guess that shouldn't surprise me though, because I've seen a lot of people go through life having religion pushed on them, only to say that they want nothing to do with it. He thinks it's just a book. Just words on a page, just a story. You know, he admits it might be a good one, but that's all it is, from a historical standpoint. You can't prove it, you can't think everything it says is true, la la la.

It was hard to sit there for the hour or so, listening to him go on. I'm not the kind of person to believe everything that I hear, and I do not think that I just naively follow what the Bible says, because it's the Bible, and therefore has to be right. I understand that there are things that won't make sense because of context. I understand that there are things that seemingly contradict one another. I get that people can't prove nor disprove things that it says. Yet I feel as though my faith, in Christ, is more than simply following words on a page. Either way, it was hard to hear him bash the book that I carry with me everywhere I go. I'm going to have to learn to take it from a scholarly approach and not let him get to me. Hard, challenging, it might prove to be. I can only pray that it will make me stronger in my faith. A part of me wants to buy him a copy of "Case For Christ" by Lee Strobel. It's fantastic. I wonder if he's read it before.

I spent last night with a bunch of girls in Lakeshore, watching a movie. And I came to the conclusion that, I shall not watch chick flicks for a year. Hold me to it. I won't do it. I can't. I hate the feeling of wanting something that I can't have. I don't want for the world to push a feeling of needing a "significant other" and "true love" on me at this age. I'm only 19! Why would I keep putting myself in a position to see how happy life is, when I should want nothing more than to pursue God, and be content in my singleness. It's a season, that is to be enjoyed, and if I keep watching those movies, I feel as though I shall not be focused on that, instead wanting something that isn't for me right now. Someday, yeah, but now? There's no point in continually disappointing myself and feeling as though I am somehow incomplete without a guy. I'm not. I need to focus on school and having a better relationship with Christ.

No more movies. Every time I want to watch a movie, how about I read my bible for two hours. How amazing would that be? If instead of watching a movie, we took that time for Him. Ooooh, this has exciting potential.