he ate reeses pieces

Oh, how I love my schedule. I only have two classes on Fridays. So I'm done already! Haha, I got back to my room and Alyssa is still asleep. It makes me jealous, and feel somewhat accomplished as well. So I like it. Though, every time, I'm "this" close to falling asleep in Zoology because it's so darned dark in there. Teachers should know that there needs to be a better balance between visibility of the screen and light in the room if they want anyone to stay awake in the morning, on a Friday no less. Goodness. I'm happy. I made it through my working, and sleep deprivation, and got mostly back on track with living more normally.

Cru was last night, and I love it so much. Not only do I love seeing everyone, and feeling so at home, but I love worship, and I love hearing Danger (or anyone) talk about something meaningful. I do agree that we need to learn, together. And I'm so grateful for the freshman class, because I feel as though we are really striving to do just that. We are getting to know one another, and spend time with each other, and it's just...it's like a new family. We are brothers and sisters, in Christ, and I love them all. I'm so thankful for their friendship and advice, and support. I know that I could talk to any of them about what's going on, and they would listen, and pray about it with me.

I've never had that before, always feeling as though I was trudging through life and my failures alone. I've always had my family, but there's been something missing. Fellowship. I've had friends, but there's never been a close enough relationship to talk about what's really going on, and ask them to honestly and legitimately pray about it with me. Maybe I've been afraid, and I'm finally learning to open up, true. However, whatever it is that has changed, I'm ecstatic.

God is so wonderful. I mean, every day, it's something new, something else. It's brilliant. And astounding. I can't help but look at the world around me and see Him in everything. Even in my hurt, I am thankful. Even when I doubt about my future, and what it should look like, He gives me peace about it. I've been having difficulty with trying to plan out my life. Where I'll be five years from now, what I'll be doing in six months, etc.

I was sitting in Chipotle the other day, before work, reading my Bible, and listening to music. And I keep being amazed at His word. I came across Psalm 27:14 which says "Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." And about two minutes later, my iPod played By Your Side by Tenth Avenue North. "Tell me where will you run, to where will you run? Cause I'll be by your side wherever you fall in the dead of night, whenever you call and please don't fight these hands that are holding you." It was splendid. I mean, it was just...perfect. Do you have these moments? I hope and pray that you do.

He amazes me every day. I've been freaking out about something going on in my life, and then the other night, I stayed up, probably too late. I sat, I journaled, I prayed, and just gave it up to Him, knowing that I can't control it, and I don't want to. It brought such joy. It brought peace. What happens, is what is supposed to happen. It will be okay. I'm not supposed to know everything. And why was I doubting in the first place? Everything in my life that has seemed horrible, has brought me here! How glorious that is. My moving, my relationships, my failures, they all worked for good. I momentarily had forgotten how great our God is. What foolishness! I'm so thankful that He's here for me, even when I stumble. When my walk becomes a crawl, He's still there. What love. :)

you know you're a creeper...

when you attempt to skype college-age girls from a different country, and you're a 40-something-year old man. Yeah, pretty much what happened.

i have

a love/hate relationship with the word "friends."
a habit of listening to "The Call" on repeat when I'm sad
issues that I need to resolve.
an incurable need for journaling.
homework that I should be doing.
to wait and see, no matter how much i hate to.
not enough time to sleep.
a fear of being forgotten.
"been weighed, measured, and found wanting."

best news ever

I only have one final this semester. Yessir, count 'em - one. That will be the best thing in the entire world. When I started this semester and looked at my exam schedule, it said that I had five. Ew. One Sunday morning, one Monday morning, one Wednesday morning (all starting at 7:45), one Wednesday evening, and one Thursday afternoon. That, I thought, would be death. It would've meant that I had finals all week. However, as it turns out, only one of my classes actually gives a final. The school just gives every class a slot, whether it gets used or not apparently doesn't matter all that much. HUZZAH!

In other recent news, I actually was asleep before 12:30 yesterday. I don't remember the last time that happened...yet somehow, I was still tired today when I was at my nursing lecture. I took a nap in the lobby until I had discussion an hour later. I guess maybe I have some catching up to do with my sleep. It happens.

untitled

Life is confusing. People are confusing. I wish that people would say exactly what they mean. Yes, I believe there are times for subtlety. Yes, I enjoy metaphors and poems and artistic skill. However, I wish, that for just one single day, people told others what they actually meant, instead of saying something that then others will attempt to decode. It's too hard to decipher meaning when it could mean one of a million things, or nothing at all. How on earth are you supposed to figure things like that out? Ugh, if only I knew! What a spectacular gift that would be. If I could have any super power, it would be to read people's minds. I don't think that people necessarily lie to one another on a frequent basis, however, I do believe that people withold information for reasons unknown to me.

And have I mentioned yet that I hate time? And I'm impatient? I recently memorized Galatians 5:22 in an attempt to remind myself to be patient. And then I started to memorize 1 Corinthians 13:4.

Patience is a fruit of the Spirit. And love is patient. I need to go read my Bible and pray. There are too many things that I could say at the moment.

girl night

So, as much as I loved last night, the craziness of being with everyone and hanging out with so many people, and just having a good time, I find that I equally love small groups. Love. I know that the word is over-used, and has been watered down through time, but I truly love being with my friends, and talking about everything. They are one of the reasons that I continue to laugh and smile and cherish life. Never before in my life have I had such fantastic friends, who legitimately care about my walk with Christ, my life, and my health. It's so refreshing.

Needless to say, I felt like crap this morning, having made myself sick. And when I told Brynn this she asked if she could get me anything, if she could do anything to help. I am so thankful for friends like her! She and Greta showed up at my room to check on me this evening, and I hadn't left my room all day, so it was nice to see them. These girls are wonderful, and I can't imagine leaving them for an entire year! It'll be hard, but we'll get through, and I'm sure things will be wonderful when I get back, and we'll continue encouraging and loving one another.

I remember when I first talked about Belgium...someone told me that they were worried for me, that I would lose friends, and find no one there, and have the worst of both worlds. I can't really believe that they said that, honestly. I think I'll have the best of both, because I know that the friends I have here are real, and honest, and true, and I am sure they'll be here when I get back.

It was good to sit over in Cole and watch chick flicks, and simply talk about life, and the problems that we're all currently facing - our fears, doubts, everything. Simply, fantastic. It's nice to be comfortable with being honest, with telling them how I've failed, and not be worried about their judging me. I've never had this, and I'm so thankful. I am so grateful for their friendship.

do(s) and don't(s)

do:
- have meaningful conversations about life with your friends
- be alright with looking like an idiot when you're playing games
- be extreme in your Tokie Tokie distractions
- eat Insomnia cookies
- smile
- take naps
- eat dinner
- read your assignments

do not:
- wake up from a nap and eat cake instead of lunch
- eat a Chalupa from Taco Bell at 2:00 in the morning
- deprive yourself of sleep
- make yourself sick because of your lack of real food

listening

to French, is funny. Not to mention fantastic. And you know what's even better than simply listening to people speak French? Wait for it...

listening to Eddie Izzard do a show in French. Yeah. Indeed. It's A-mazing. Which reminds me. What ever happened to the A-mazing candy bars? They were tasty. I think they came out back in like freshman year, but still. They came and went as quickly as Pepsi Blue (which is also disappointing to me). [And as a side note. If you do not know who I'm talking about (which means you haven't been within earshot since Christmas, or your initials are not SRL) then I suggest going immediately to youtube and watching "Cake or Death" or "Flag". Or perhaps buying/renting one of his stand ups, particularly Dress To Kill. He's brilliant.]

Firstly, I find that I am extremely random. Which I personally don't mind at all, I think it's fantastic. However, I'm always curious to see and hear is what everyone else's reaction is to my spontaneous craziness. I get some good reactions once in awhile, funny looks or snickers. Always entertaining.

I also can say that for the first time in the last two years, I'm 100% completely and totally content with life. I shall not complain, because even if there is something to whine about, I have no desire to do so, nor do I believe that it shall help. I'm optimistic, and happy. I walk around campus smiling because there's always something to smile about. Always. Really, there is! I pray that you find reason to smile in days to come. For example, yesterday, when I left French (which is in and of itself a reason to smile) the guy in the belltower, was playing a song. The bells weren't simply ringing. They were playing a song. That's bloody fantastic. Or, for example, today, I put my shuffle on inbetween classes, and the first song that came on was one that I hadn't heard in ages, that I had forgotten that I even liked. Woot.

I can't stop smiling. I'm so thankful, so excited, so happy. I am completely in love with every breath I am taking and every beat of my heart. God is great.

blog happy

Blogging is fun. :) I like it a lot. I was really close to being totally asleep in my power lecture this morning, because I stayed up too late again last night. I should stop that. But yeah, we watched this documentary, and in normal circumstances I would love to watch it. However, on about 6 hours of sleep, in a completely dark room, at 9:00 in the morning? No thanks.

It's Thursday. YAY! I love Thursdays. It means that I get to see all of the wonderful people that I've met in the last few months. It means that I get to listen to a speaker talk about something new. It means that I get to sing. It means, breakfast with the girls, and walking to class in a mini-group. And it means Ballroom dancing. Psssh. It doesn't get better than this. Life is fantastic.

I was working with some people yesterday, who were just such debbie-downers. Please don't ever let me be like that. I have been in the past, and I know that there are bad days, but really? Life is so much better than that. Life is fantabulous, and I don't know why people try to find reasons to grumble and complain when there is so much to be thankful for.

I have French soon. I'm stoked. My TA is darned funny, and I'm going in every Friday to have him simply speak French at me so that I might learn how to legitly pronounce things before I leave. Woot!

God bless. And have a scrumptrilescent Thursday.

hellogoodbye

has a song, that's called "Oh, It Is Love" and I won't lie, I love it. And I have been at times quite addicted to it. I somewhat think it's adorable. This present moment, is totally one of those times. I'm back to my trend of finding a song and sticking to it for about 100 plays or so, on repeat usually. The most recent one was "Wait For Me" by Rebecca St. James, right after I read the book I found the song on my iTunes. I have so many songs, that I'm sure I haven't heard half of them, perhaps more. I have her cd(s) so it wasn't too hard, but I had never listened to it before, and it became my new addiction for a brief blip of my life. It's good.

I'm still in vacation mode, even though I'm back at school and loving it more every second. I think I have the best of all words, and I'm so grateful. I know that I'm blessed. I can't imagine what my life holds in the future, and I'm so excited to see where I'll be used, what I'll be doing, who I'll be doing it with.

This semester, will be brilliant. I work Tuesday/Wednesday nights. And while that is back to back, and I know I'll have to be more on top of homework, it means that A) I'm not working Thursdays, and shall be at Primetime weekly B) I get the weekends off C) I get more money than if I worked one day a week. I think it works perfectly. It was a little bit draining today to have class from 8:50-(essentially) 12:55 and then work from 1:30-9:00. But it was worth it. I adore work now. I enjoy being a peppy cashier. I like talking to the people.

The question of the moment however is "Why are you still awake?" It's quarter to 2:00 am. I have class again at 9:30. I'm meeting the girls for breakfast at 8:30. Whoops. I'm still awake. This is where I get addicted to music, and talking to you until early hours of the morning. I would say that I'm a somewhat headstrong person at moments, and there are times when I know that my will power is nearly impossible to defeat. However, at the moment, I'm more than okay with having my "will power" to sleep be over-ridden by talking to you. I did my homework. Which, for all intents and purposes, means I'm doing better than last semester. I'm already caught up on all my two days worth of homework and reading.

I just have to make sure that this part sticks around. You know, the part where I keep up on my reading and do my homework every night. If that's done, then I'm up for late night talks. I'd rather talk than sleep. And no, I won't tell you why. I'm sure you can figure it out. :)

Night!

i love you,

you know. My friends here are amazing, and I love being here more every moment. I praise God for putting such wonderful and fantastic people in my life. I am so happy to be here, and I feel so blessed to know them. So, if you ever see this, letting you know, I pretty much love you.

badger badger, badger badger

...mushroom, mushroom. :) But seriously, I'm back in Madtown, and I'm so excited to start off this new semester. I got back this morning, unpacked all my stuff, cleaned up my entire dorm room. Listened to a ton of music (which ended up being a lot of Mamma Mia, thanks to my mom) and just kinda enjoyed being by myself, organizing things. I honestly didn't have that much down time during break. I know I had about a month off, but everything was always so busy. There wasn't really any time where I just sat in my room, and did nothing. It only came in small bursts, so when I got back this morning, it was really nice to not have anyone around.

I spent the afternoon hanging out with Kyle, which was good. We went and got dinner down on State, and on the way back I stopped to chill with Spence, which is always a pleasure. He is pretty darn awesome. Talked to Tommy today, which made me happy. On a sad note, I haven't talked to anyone in WA in ages. It tends to feel as if they're slowly, but surely, drifting further and further away. Time can really kill things sometimes. And then I spent the entire evening/night, with the girls. We talked, and watched Gilmore Girls. It was good to see them again and just chill. It's late (or I suppose, early even) and I should go to bed. I have to work tomorrow, but thank goodness, it's the night shift, and I don't open. I wouldn't have stayed up this late had I opened (obviously, a lie, I just would've been tired at work.)

It's the first day since new year's that I haven't talked to a specific person, which shouldn't be that big of a deal, but seems strange nonetheless. Sometimes, I really hate my brain, because it's trying to get me to freak out over irrational things that are most likely, quite meaningless. I shall not freak out. This isn't the end of the world. Besides, I then remember that though this makes me sad, I got a letter in the mail today, and my joy returns! I love mail.

I have to buy books tomorrow. I don't want to. My things for French 101, (workbook/textbook), which have to be new, are like $170. Please kill me now. That's a disgusting amount of money for a book that I shall use for the next 4 months, and then never touch ever again. Ewwwwww.

I'm gonna try to sleep. Need to be productive, school starts Monday night for me, and I have things to do. However, today was good, and it is lovely to be back where I belong, for I truly believe it is here at the moment. Even though it means I'm not near you, this is where I'm supposed to be.

I pray that your life be filled with fruit. Joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control. Against such things there is no law. :) God bless.

up, again

...But it's completely worth it. Who really needs sleep anyway? I apparently don't need sleep at all. And if I do, well, you wouldn't know it anyway. Not until I crash, sometime soon afterwards. But for the moment, I'm more than fine.

I'm so stoked to go back to school! Honestly, I've loved being here for a break, being able to sleep, hang out with my family, whatever else. But, I'm done now. I need my people. I need a schedule. It's gotten to the point of me wanting something to do. I've spent a ton of time reading, and I'm glad, because I haven't had time in quite awhile. It just feels like...well, about halfway through summer, when you realize that you're not all that glad that it's summer anymore, and you're ready to go back to school. Exactly like that. I think a month, is just getting to be too long of a break. Let's go back to Madtown, shall we?

:) Yes, let's. Even if it is kinda far away, I love it. And besides, I miss you.

sleeping habits

I need to actually go to bed (and sleep) at a decent time, starting soon. Classes start again on Tuesday, and I really don't want last semester to be repeated, with my taking several-hour long naps daily because I got only about five hours of sleep the night before.

Why am I still awake? Though it's fabulously fun staying awake with a purpose, at the moment I have none, meaning that I shall instead be wasting my time for no reason. Yeah, I'm gonna go to bed now. I'm tired.

the shack

You know, I don't think it makes any difference to me, that this isn't true. Fiction can be moving, sometimes more so than fact, and this is totally one of those times. In all honesty? My mind can't exactly (or at all) comprehend what it would mean if this were to have happened, yet I'm going to take it as it is, because it is so intruiging. And not only that, but it's so powerful. And so wonderful. And everything in it rings true in my head, and makes me feel loved. Even though I feel lost at times, even though I don't understand why, or what. Even if I can't imagine how to be closer...this is exactly what I needed to read at the moment.

I've been on a book binge, and I'm so thankful, because I've missed reading. Yeah, I liked the books I read last semester, but they weren't helpful in the ways that some of the things that I've recently read have been. Books are amazing, and I suggest that you befriend them soon, if you have not already.

And please, please, please. Go read the Shack. Then we can talk about it, and all it's brilliance. Ooh, or we could talk about all the brilliance of God. (We can attempt that one, though we'll never get the full picture)

late conversations

And to think, last night was the night I was supposed to actually go to bed at a decent hour, because my main distraction started class again today. Well, that didn't happen. I ended up staying awake much later than I would've guessed, and much later than my average for the past week even. Yet, it was more than worth it, because I had a fabulous conversation with one of the people that I love dearly.

I have come to realize that I need people. I mean, it shouldn't be a revelation, but it kind of is, after so long of wanting to do my own thing. It's really good to talk to people about life, about everything that's going on, about your pains, failures, weaknesses. It's good to have someone listen. I've found that it's so destructive to hold all of it in, because then it gets harder to finally let go later. I think my walls are finally starting to break a bit, and that scares me, but more than that, it makes me glad.

I'm excited to have a group of girlfriends that legitimately know who I am, and love me anyway. I can't say that I've ever had that, and I think I've been found wanting. I can't wait to be back in Madtown, and start the semester off the right way. I praise God for my friends.

i've been discovered

...At least tell me what you think.

another day at walgreens

I'm gonna start by saying that in the past...three years or so working for this company, there have been days that I have hated. Absolutely loathed. However, I have recently (within the last half year) started to appreciate and enjoy working there. Though it can be frustrating, and people can be somewhat annoying, and difficult, I legitimately have come to love it. The interaction with people, I find enlightening and entertaining. I like being the super-peppy cashier. I like genuinely smiling at people as they come and go. I love trying to help them with anything that they may need.

I've seen a lot of bad, or grumpy employees. Not just at Walgreens, but everywhere. You know the type, the ones that look as if they'd rather be anywhere else in the world but there, helping you. The ones that only respond, when you speak to them first. I don't want to be like them. I really think it's obnoxious when people act like that, because they're being paid to help. And even if they weren't, shouldn't you help people anyway?

I feel as though a lot of our generation is selfish, and have a huge feeling of entitlement. As if they deserve to have that job, as if they are doing people a service, simply by being there working. Not true! Why aren't we more thankful? I have a job, and I'm so grateful for it. It means that I'm not wasting a lot of my time with loafing, or being lazy. I'm being productive. It's teaching me things that I can use later in life. It's paying me, and I am thankful for that money, and the opportunity. Yet, I see so many people that want nothing to do with working.

I see the point of not having a job while in school, because it can be overwhelming, or whatever. Yet, if you have one, what's the point of hating it? You're not helping anyone, and chances are, you're making people feel less happy. Be joyful. You get the pleasure of helping! So do it. And besides, the Bible says we should work as though working for the Lord, right? So be glad. If you are reading this, you are more than blessed. Please see the glass as half full, and try to be a light for others. Make someone's day. Smile. Be glad and rejoice.

doubt

...I need to pray more. About several things that are going on. I need to trust more. I need to be reassured that this is what I need to be doing, this is where I need to be going. Otherwise, if I'm not sure, am I potentially making one of the biggest mistakes instead of going on one of the biggest adventures? I wish I knew. I wish I could play both scenarios and see which one ends as I would like, and pick that one. I feel as though the one thing that I'll be missing, I can go back to. But what if I can't? Then what? Then perhaps I missed out on something else, something that could've been great. Decisions suck. Time sucks. I'm frustrated, doubting, and a little bit disappointed. I'm disappointed that I would ever have to second guess something like this. A week ago, I jumped at it like there was no tomorrow. How did it change so quickly? Yet, I wouldn't deny that the why is a good thing. I could be happy in so many places, but each one requires me to give up something else.

Is this what it's supposed to feel like? Or am I still on my conference high? This is so different, yet, I'm still only 19. Does that even matter? Should it even matter? I'm so confused at the moment. I wish I were more patient.

a different perspective

Small towns have never been my favorites. But I shall forever like Staples, because of today. There's something comfortable about knowing your neighbors' names, and something reassuring in knowing where everything is, (whether or not there is much there doesn't matter). It's nice to see a coffee shop run solely by teenagers, and used by teenagers as a place to hang out together and bond. And, it's different to have quiet. I've never had quiet, even Lincoln had those darned peacocks.

The drive home was somewhat long, but I had a good (illegal. haha) phone conversation until I parked in the garage. Someone decided that they needed to makes sure I got home safely. I'm not going to lie, even though I protested, I greatly appreciated it, and I'm very thankful that they called me.

I am so thankful for today, and for the friendship that I have. It was ridiculous, but I loved every second of it.

oh goody

Seriously, this face happens frequently. And it never ceases to make me giggle. It's been a pretty crazy 2009 so far. I can't see how it'll get better, but I know that it will. I'm excited.

And, update...There's like a 99% chance that I shall be in Belgium before the end of the summer. I'm so excited for this, but I'm also so nervous. Yet, it doesn't matter, I'm pretty set on going, and I can't wait to see where this takes me. Even though it'll take me further away from my friends, and my family, I know that it'll be an amazing opportunity. And besides, there's Skype. I'll be fine. Be praying for me though, that I shall be safe, and find a Christian community to be in. That I might touch others' lives, and that whatever is supposed to happen when I come home...does. I know that God is sovereign over my life, and I pray that I trust Him with everything, my future, my life, the plans that I think I have. It'll work out as it's supposed to, whether that's how I want it to, or not. Either way, all things work together for good right?

inspired and in awe

TCX was amazing. It was amazing in the way the word should be, it was awe-some. It was brilliantly and wonderfully fantastic, in my opinion. To know, and to hear of, and to experience God's love, and His ability to change a group of students, to impact them, was unbelievable. I couldn't have asked for a better time, or a more meaningful four days. I am so excited to go and live my life, for Him. Honestly, that's all I want to do with it, because right now, I can't imagine living for a job, or money, or a status, or a relationship. I simply can't. All I want, is to learn His word, and devote myself to Him. That's it. However that might look in my life, is fine by me. If that means I go somewhere...well then, I guess I should figure out what to pack. I'm more than okay with being sent. He will be with me no matter what, and His spirit will guide me.

On a less serious note: Signs is the best game in the entire world. Go play. NOW. I met some amazing people through this game, and I thank God for them. They made me hopeful, and helped me remember that the world contains good people, who follow Christ, and know how to have a good time. I was excited to play...even until 5:00 in the morning. Oh, the memories.

I'm home now though, after four jam-packed days, and I just pray that this spiritual high transforms into a daily love. I need to work on some things, but others, I have already begun to change, and I know that it will bring me closer to Him.

Oh, I love TCX, and all that it was.