you're casting a shadow

Today was supposed to be the day I finished my paper. I'm only about half done. I keep blanking, a feeling that I did not want to re-familiarize myself with. I need to work on it. And I need sleep. But at this point, only about one will be accomplished, and it'll be the one that makes sure I don't fail...

It's selfish of me, but I want what you have. More likely than not, the "you" that I'm referring to will not ever see this, and even if you do, would you realize I envied you? Probably not. Have I ever spoken of this to you, or said what it is that I long for? Everything comes second right now to the fact that I want a better relationship with my God. That, is first. After that however? I want what you have. I don't want things. I don't want your jewelry, your clothes, your looks even. I don't want your personality. I don't want to be you. I want what you have. I want where you are in life. Right now, you probably think that I'm rambling; it's late, and I'm quite tired, right? However, I wouldn't say that's the case. I'm not too tired to think. I am more awake right now than I have been most of today...which probably attributed to the fact that I didn't do much of my paper, try as I might.

But I'm envious of this one thing. I've never had it, and I desire it. With all my heart. I want that feeling. I've had a weaker version of it, perhaps. I've had phantoms of it. Yet I want that feeling, with all that it is. Not a shadow, not a half-filled cup, but a full blast. I want it completely, holding nothing back.

Would they ever realize that I've never had this, realize that for me, it's not the same. I want more. Not as you would assume, yet still more. Simply, this more is different than the average, than the stereotypical. Yet it's still something that I know I want. You have it. And for this moment, all I want, is what you have. All I can do is hope that someday we might talk about it, because it's something we both possess.