needless to say...

I could barely sleep last night. My mind is whirring.

europe?

I don't want to get my hopes up - though it might be a tad bit late for that...To have the opportunity, to go to Europe for a year, to take off of school and go to Europe for an entire year? I'd be crazy not to, right? Oh my gosh, I never would've thought that I would ditch school at all, I figured that I'd be there for 4+ straight years. People always say that it's too difficult to go back to school once you've left, is that true? I can believe it, because after being in Europe for a year? It would be harsh to go back to Madtown, no matter how much I love it. But if given the opportunity to leave? I don't know if I can decline. I already have this image of me, in my head. I've already gotten my hopes up. Yet, I can't not. I mean, I have to think about it, have to weigh the pros/cons (are there any cons?), have to decide if this is what I want to do. It's not set in stone though, and it won't be for awhile. I'll have to be patient, because I won't know for awhile. Yet, if it works out? It's hard to wrap my head around. I can barely picture it in reality, all that's in my head is fantasy, dream-like images of me frolicking through Europe, giggling from disbelief. This is too much for my brain to handle right now. This is overwhelming. But it would be such an amazing experience, would be so brilliantly spectacular. Seriously. It's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing. And if I am given a go, I would have to take it. Oh my gosh, Europe? I can't even imagine. I'm going nuts over here. Can time please fast-forward a few weeks to tell me if my life is about to drastically change? Please??? If it does, how short this semester will seem. How quickly it will fly past...oh, the possibilities.

blue skies and white ground

So it's Christmas. And for the first time in my entire life, I am not on top of the whole gift situation. Usually I'm the one who spends way too much money, and who can't wait to give presents to everyone else. I usually am so excited to see my family open whatever I got them. I don't know what happened, but this year, Christmas lost a bit of its sparkle.

I mean, I was kinda busy, sure, being at school and all, but that doesn't really excuse me from not doing things for my family. I mean, I haven't put thought into anything for them this year. I got my sister something, wrapped, and all. But my parents? I've kind of run out of things to do for them, and all my brother wants, I shall not purchase for him. Blah. It's Christmas, and in a few hours I will be expected to have something together for them, and right now, I've got nothing. I feel so terrible about that.

I love the snow. I really do. That picture, just makes me smile. It's so pretty. The snow is so amazing. It's so calm. I must admit, my favorite thing about the snow is the quiet. Everything is so silent, especially in the early morning, with the snow falling all around you. That was the only thing I liked about having an early class this semester. Walking to class, in the snow for a few weeks, was thrilling (except when I was running late). The crunch of the snow beneath your feet? I love that sound.

Break so far has been alright. It's been a good opportunity to hang out with my family, spend time with my sister. I spent some time with Mags, which made me happy, because I haven't seen her in forever, and she won't be around for most of the time I will be here for break. Sad face. I'm looking forward mostly to TCX, but when I come back...well, there's this feeling of dread. I dread coming back to my house after being with all of my friends from school. I don't know what to do about it, but I don't want to be here. It's so hard, and I hate knowing that it's completely true.

I want to be at school. I'm not saying I want to be working, doing homework, being in class, because that, really isn't all that fun. However, I miss the people. I miss my dorm. I miss youth group. I miss bible study, and late nights with people. I don't want to be here, and while I'll make the most of it, because I shall be in town for several weeks, I hate that I hate it so much. I wish I didn't, but I don't honestly know what to do about that. I feel like it's a little late to change my mind.

please look away

I'm gonna hide my face. I really dislike myself at the moment, and I don't want to look anymore. There are a lot of things that I need to do right now, there are a lot of things that I should be focusing on, but I can't.

I just...can't. I hate finals. I don't like that they're such a huge part of life. Exams, tests, papers. True, they can show how well you can do at that thing, in that moment. But why do we let them define our lives? I wish they weren't such a huuuuuge deal. It would make me less stressed.

I'm wasting my time doing things that I shouldn't. For example, I'm watching a tv show, and honestly, this guy is the worst actor I think I've ever seen. And honestly, I can't stand it, because no one is like this. No one. It's a little bit ridiculous. Maybe he's acting like this because he's without hope, and he feels lost. But I can't imagine ever attempting to make a deal with God, and demanding anything of Him. That seems like such a bad idea.

Maybe I've never tried because I've never been desperate. I am so blessed, and there has never been a point in my life where I am so lost that I have nothing. Even when I've felt alone, I know that I'm not. I know that there are people that love me enough to listen to me and talk to me about my life. Yet this man is demanding that God heal his wife, get rid of her cancer.

We can't demand things of God. We can't make him do things. He is so amazing, He is so faithful, He is always going to be here. I'm so thankful for that, because no matter how far I fall, and how badly I keep failing, He loves me.

epic failure

...

I hate finals

quiet much?

It's finals week, and the rule of the dorm is that essentially, quiet hours are all the time until people go home. There is not supposed to be any more noise. There shouldn't be any crazy parties, any doors slamming, any loud voices. It's supposed to be a place to relax and chill, and study, because heck, finals can be stressful. I'm not honestly all that stressed out, but at the same time, I'm a little worried to think that maybe I'm not worried enough. However, I am not, and it'll end up as it ends up, and it's too late now for me to wish that I had done more. Still, I appreciate the tranquility that is supposed to be my dorm.

Some kids next door just got busted, (and I believe cited) for noise violation. It was at about midnight, which means that even if it wasn't finals week, quiet hours would've started an hour before they were loud. I'm not saying that I'm trying to go to bed right now. Because I'm up. Listening to music. Going over my notes. And such. BUT, there was a time a few weeks ago when I did have to wake up for a 7:45 test, and they kept me awake long past when I wanted to sleep. I was too tired and too apathetic to call the housefellow at that time, but have recently started thinking about doing so if it happened again. This time, however, the housefellow showed up without my doing anything. I am thankful, but I had nothing to do with it.

One of the girls came and was writing on my door. I opened it, because I knew she was out there (she wasn't quiet). And she thinks that I called the housefellow here to bust them. The fun part is, I simply threaten. I never have taken action. I'm a bum. I figure I can just tell them that I will, and it'll scare them enough to shut up. It's worked before. So, she thinks I called, and asks me "Jenna, did you call the housefellow to tell on us?" When I told her that it wasn't me, really, she replies by saying that she doesn't believe me.

So I ask you...What's the point of asking a question when you won't believe the answer? Why would she ask me, just to say, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway, I think you did." Okay, so you think I told on you...Why even bother to confront me about it? I told the truth, yet it didn't phase her. I don't understand why she would waste her breath, if what I say doesn't affect her opinion. Her time would be better used sleeping than telling me she thinks I'm a tattle-tell.

...And to think, that I'm in college now. Hah. I wonder if some people will ever grow up.

semester is over

...thank goodness.

This semester has taught me a lot. And I'm not solely talking about education, either. In general, I simply learned. I learned about myself, (about my shortcomings, aspirations, dreams, needs, wants, study habits, the list goes on). I learned about people, both those of past, and those around me right now. I learned that I can survive on absolutely no sleep, but that I start to mess up what I'm saying, and my thought process is not completely all there. I learned that there are more important things than my homework, but that I should probably make time for both.

The list could go on for ages. This semester was so enlightening. I loved every single second of it. Even if at the time I didn't love it, I know that whatever made me sad/mad/etc at that time, taught me something. I look forward to break, because it means seeing my sister, and my family, and spending time reading and sleeping and relaxing. However, I'll miss all of these amazing people that I've met, and though it's only for a month, it'll feel like forever. I'll miss Student Impact, I'll miss the random things that my friends do. I'll miss walking around campus.

Second semester will be a blast though. I can't wait.

you're casting a shadow

Today was supposed to be the day I finished my paper. I'm only about half done. I keep blanking, a feeling that I did not want to re-familiarize myself with. I need to work on it. And I need sleep. But at this point, only about one will be accomplished, and it'll be the one that makes sure I don't fail...

It's selfish of me, but I want what you have. More likely than not, the "you" that I'm referring to will not ever see this, and even if you do, would you realize I envied you? Probably not. Have I ever spoken of this to you, or said what it is that I long for? Everything comes second right now to the fact that I want a better relationship with my God. That, is first. After that however? I want what you have. I don't want things. I don't want your jewelry, your clothes, your looks even. I don't want your personality. I don't want to be you. I want what you have. I want where you are in life. Right now, you probably think that I'm rambling; it's late, and I'm quite tired, right? However, I wouldn't say that's the case. I'm not too tired to think. I am more awake right now than I have been most of today...which probably attributed to the fact that I didn't do much of my paper, try as I might.

But I'm envious of this one thing. I've never had it, and I desire it. With all my heart. I want that feeling. I've had a weaker version of it, perhaps. I've had phantoms of it. Yet I want that feeling, with all that it is. Not a shadow, not a half-filled cup, but a full blast. I want it completely, holding nothing back.

Would they ever realize that I've never had this, realize that for me, it's not the same. I want more. Not as you would assume, yet still more. Simply, this more is different than the average, than the stereotypical. Yet it's still something that I know I want. You have it. And for this moment, all I want, is what you have. All I can do is hope that someday we might talk about it, because it's something we both possess.

beginning of an era

So, what is it that makes me not aspire to have straight A's? I feel as though that part of me died, and won't ever return. Yet, I am more than fine with that. I don't feel as though I need to have a 4.0 to enjoy living. There is so much more meaning to life than to simply "succeed." What is success, anyway? How would the world define it, and even if I could figure that out, how would I define it? There could be so many different meanings that go into such a word. "Success"

Boo on the definition of it in this world. Success isn't necessarily having the most money, nor the most things. I don't think that to be successful is to have designer purses, and name-brand clothes. There has to be so much more to life than simply that. I know that there is more to life than that. Things will never make me happy, and I have come to grips with that. I no longer long for more...stuff. Instead, what I long for, is a relationship with my savior. I long for friendship that is based upon similar values, and upon an understanding of the idea that life is more than simply going through the motions.

We are here for a purpose. A reason. One that may not be revealed to us in its exactness right at this moment, but one that is for specifically me, or you. I had lunch with a friend today, and he told me something that I take to heart, because it is so true. He told me that we can only minister to this year, this year. We can't minister to today, tomorrow. I want to help, I want to use my resources and my love, and my knowledge, and my gifts to simply be loving. To simply be there for others when they need it.

One of my favorite things to do is to make others happy. I'm not talking about being a "yes-man" to someone, and doing anything. But to surprise someone, to do something that is specifically for them, and is unexpected, and that makes their day. I live for stuff like that. It makes me feel so much better about my day. I love random love. I love random giving. I love it when people are generous.

I think that somehow, you can be successful in life, even if you have nothing. If you own nothing, and have no money, no house, are completely poor. You can make your life into something greater than the sorrows and the sadness that one would assume came with such circumstances. You can give your time, your energy, your life, and your love, for others. That's what I want. I want to follow Jesus, and love others. I would define my life as more than successful if I could pull that off even simply on most days, not all. I'm not perfect, and this I know more than anything. I can't do it every day. I can't follow in His footsteps at all times. I shall try to however, and of course fall repeatedly. The awesomeness is that He will continue to forgive me and pick me back up.

slip and fall

Well, no surprise to anyone, I fell this morning.

I left anthropology, and was aimlessly walking down the hill, reaching for my phone in my purse when I slipped on some ice and landed on my butt. It didn't hurt at all, and though I put my hand down automatically to brace myself, it wasn't even scraped up. Falling didn't really surprise me, I mean, I trip up the stairs every day, (try as i might to hide it), I can be extremely ungraceful. I simply sat there on the path, and was a tiny bit flabbergasted with how quick I went from walking to being on the ground.

There are times when we do things that are embarrassing, and we try to hide it. However, in this situation, I knew that would be futile, there were 400 people in my lecture, and probably about 1/4 of them come out the doors that I just exited. So I sat there. And giggled. I giggled how ridiculous I probably looked, sitting on the path as if I had no where else to be. I giggled at how I honestly wasn't embarrassed, and instead hoped that I made other people laugh as well. It was just, funny to me. A man walked past, and asked if I was okay. "I'm completely fine, thanks though." I smiled, he left. It was fantastic.

It reminded me simply of how often I fall. It makes me aware of how flawed I am. It makes me grateful, because it reminds me that there's a God who's more than willing to help me get back up again. He's always there for me, no matter what. How magnificent is that? He loves me more than I can imagine, and though I've always "known" this, in the past few months, being here, I've actually come to experience it day by day. I've come to feel loved, instead of having it just be in my head, as a fact that I understand, I know that it is real. I know that He not only will be there, but that He is here. Right now.

Joshua 1:9 says "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."

No matter where I travel, no matter where I go, He's there. There are moments when I feel alone, where I have no idea of what to do next, when I'm hurt. And then I'll read His Word, or I'll talk to someone that He's recently placed in my life here at school, and it'll be exactly what I need to hear. It'll bring me back to this feeling where I know everything will work out, and He's got a plan, and He loves me, and life is better than fine.

I'm sitting here listening to music, and I can't do anything but smile. "By Your Side" by Tenth Avenue North just came on, and it's too perfect. "To where will you go child, tell me where will you run? And I'll be by your side wherever you fall, in the dead of night, wherever you call."

Praise Him. He is glorious.

good morning starshine

...the earth says "Hello!"

I'm simply excited about life in general. Which is always a good thing. Today, is a fantastic day. And it's only 11:10. Think of all the good that can come after this. I love days like this. I love watching what God does, little by little. It's sunny out, and no matter how cold it gets, I will smile if the sunshine touches me. True, it is freezing...however, SUNSHINE. So it really doesn't matter. And besides, I finally get to utilize all of the scarves/hats/gloves that I've accumulated in the last two years.

I'm extremely excited about today because of my previous class. I love anthropology. It's so interesting. I might dare say it's more interesting than history, because it's more current, more about things in the today and now. I love learning about people, and culture, and history, and why their ideas change and where they're coming from. History has always been my favorite thing, because you can go back and look at all of the transitions, and see how things developed. Even though it's hundreds, or thousands of years later, I still love it. Yet, anthropology, on the other hand, is much more recent. People are doing work within the last century, and some of them, within the last decade. That's so much more relevant to my life. So, I love the class in general, and it is the one class that I have made a point not to skip. :) It totally helps that it's only twice a week, and it starts at about 10:00, but whatever, I don't want to miss it.

Even though I love the class, that isn't why I'm super excited. I'm excited, because I think I just made a new friend. And that, is worth smiling about. I love introductions, and meeting people and learning about someone. Hopefully this pans out well. I think it will.

I know that we, as humans, hunger for relationships. I can see it in others' lives, in my own. I know that this is how we were created, and that we need each other. (Sanctus Real, anyone?) I know what it's like to feel as if you're abandoned, like there isn't a person in the world who you could legitimately talk to. On the flip side, I know what it's like to have a savior that will always be there, even if you momentarily ignore Him. And I know what it's like to have people that want to help, that want to be there for you.

I've never been one for acquaintances. Don't get me wrong, I loved the first weeks of school, I love the mass amount of potential friends, meeting everyone and learning names. I like that, but I have always wanted more. I would much rather have five friends that know my flaws and my strengths, rather than have 100 people that know that I like the color green. The friendships that I long for are the ones where I can tell them anything. Where they ask "How are you?" and you know they won't be satisfied with a generic "fine". We need others to care.

I'm not going to lie. There are a handful of people that I would love to get to know better here. I would love to know who they really are, and what they love most. I'd love to be better friends. Yet I can't force myself on others, can't make them want to be friends. It's an annoying balance. It's not normal to simply go up to someone and tell them that you want to be best friends, and ask them to tell you about their personal life. It takes time. It takes trust.

I guess I'll see how it goes. And until then, I'll be happy, because today...there's sunshine.