in real time

This is from yesterday, Monday September 28, 2009, from my journal. Here's what I think of and write. Thought it might be interesting. Yes, I'm aware that I'm random. It's how I think.

"Sitting outside of Hums. 20 til class. It feels like Fall. I'm wearing a sweater and I'm chilly. The air is crisp. There's a man with a sign saying non-Christians are going to Hell. A group is around him, asking questions, challenging his ideas.

How is that guy in shorts and a tee? Isn't he freezing. My hair's a mess and gets in the way of me seeing this paper. What am I even writing about as the wind pushes leaves past where I sit, back against a lamp-post? Jonah & Samantha. I'm watching the faces as they walk by, as they see the sign-holding man. Reactions?

Disbelief.
Anger.
Sadness.
Apathy.

It's slowly breaking my heart.

"Read the Bible or you'll die in your sins." - man's quote. "Escape the fire!" I want moccasins, but will I get a blister like that girl? Is pain really weakness leaving my body?

I wonder. I want someone to notice me here. Say hello. Ask me my opinion on the yelling man. I feel like I sit here because I'm waiting for something, or someone. I just don't know who...

Class time."

* * * * *

Today, instead of paying attention to a professor -

"I look like I raided Cette's closet. Green, white, black hobo-looking Mexican hoodie. I slept on the couch last night. Today, a 5-page African history paper was due - I didn't start til 3:00 am. I spend 30 minutes chatting with a friend on Skype. Thanks Greta for the boldness! :) I was so excited, that I didn't care about the sugar high procrastination mode. Ditched lectures this morning. TA Steve isn't as BA without his mustache. What did "ite" mean? Why add it to the names of people groups? And why are my legs so darned sore? I want to sit and de-stress and stretch for hours.

There's so much to do today. And it's cold. Low of 35? Where did my high of 75 go? When I was a child, I would create landscapes on paint. Blue skies and green grass. Maybe some mountains. I'm glad that I am worthy of responding to. I wish that i didn't doubt... I bought face paint for capture the flag. I don't want to disappoint. I can't focus, I wonder when I tore this ligament in my hip. I dream of what it'd be like to see you again. I daydream too often; I spend money too often. I'll be 20 in one week, and I think time goes by much too quickly. People are afraid of dying, snakes and heights. I'm afraid that life will pass me by and I won't impact anyone; I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid that I might miss out if I blink. If I rest too long.

I came up with a catchphrase for my new journal, but I don't remember because I never wrote it down. I'm saddened by that. I got pen on my shirt, but the shirt is black and you can't see it. MLIA

Did I ever read Snow? Why am I not hungry? I want to sleep for hours - is that a choice? I doubt it. I have too much to do. Yet I think of dreaming. I can imagine my bed's softness. You speak of holiness and purity. Have I ever stood on holy ground? What would that feel like? 13 minutes of class left. Donut? I should probably get real food, but I still haven't been to Greenbush. I feel jittery. And my legs ache. My favorite pen is running out of ink and I shan't waste it on notes, it is too good for that. I remember buying a glass pen - I wonder where I put it? 8 minutes. Robin. Robert. We played cards that weekend and stayed inside, away from the rain. When did I last hold a conch shell? Or walk in a tidal pool? I miss the beaches of CA. There was a guy yesterday with a SF hat. He was cute. I have a Barry Bonds bobblehead. I like the crisp air. And the coolness. The crunch of leaves. I look forward to the first snow. 4 minutes. I hear a buzzing but it comes not from my phone. Pity. Text me back?

I still want to see your face. I still romanticize life."