last one

This is my last blog. I know, I know, you probably don't believe me. However, it's true. I am going to bid you adieu. A lot of thinking has gone into this, and I just... I can't do it anymore. I feel as though I've gotten used to telling everyone everything via this blog, and I no longer feel as if it is appropriate to do so. I don't even know who you are, or who reads this, and therefore, I feel as though honestly, if you want to know things, you should talk to me. Information about myself, about my hopes and dreams and desires shouldn't be online for anyone to access. I guess I never really grasped this concept before, and now I'm putting it into action. A lot of the time, I think that I put specific things on this just to see if someone will respond in the way that I think they ought to. I hate that once in awhile I bait people like that, whether it works or not. I'm stopping.

Not only that, but I feel as if a lot of my precious time goes into me telling you about things on this. As my friend pointed out, I tend to blog when I have homework due (I have another essay due tomorrow...) and he's right, this happens all the time. I can't waste that time anymore. I can't blog instead of do my homework. I can't go on facebook when I should read my Bible. If following after Christ is my main objective, than these things are getting in the way of that. While it is not a direct cause and effect relationship, blogging gives me just one more excuse to ignore other things. Therefore, this is no longer rational, nor justifiable. I pray that I instead use the time that would've gone into blogging, into deepening my faith and pursuing my savior. I can think of no greater goal.

All in all - thanks if you cared enough to read this, but if you want to know how I'm doing, find a different way to do so.

With affection,
-me

in real time

This is from yesterday, Monday September 28, 2009, from my journal. Here's what I think of and write. Thought it might be interesting. Yes, I'm aware that I'm random. It's how I think.

"Sitting outside of Hums. 20 til class. It feels like Fall. I'm wearing a sweater and I'm chilly. The air is crisp. There's a man with a sign saying non-Christians are going to Hell. A group is around him, asking questions, challenging his ideas.

How is that guy in shorts and a tee? Isn't he freezing. My hair's a mess and gets in the way of me seeing this paper. What am I even writing about as the wind pushes leaves past where I sit, back against a lamp-post? Jonah & Samantha. I'm watching the faces as they walk by, as they see the sign-holding man. Reactions?

Disbelief.
Anger.
Sadness.
Apathy.

It's slowly breaking my heart.

"Read the Bible or you'll die in your sins." - man's quote. "Escape the fire!" I want moccasins, but will I get a blister like that girl? Is pain really weakness leaving my body?

I wonder. I want someone to notice me here. Say hello. Ask me my opinion on the yelling man. I feel like I sit here because I'm waiting for something, or someone. I just don't know who...

Class time."

* * * * *

Today, instead of paying attention to a professor -

"I look like I raided Cette's closet. Green, white, black hobo-looking Mexican hoodie. I slept on the couch last night. Today, a 5-page African history paper was due - I didn't start til 3:00 am. I spend 30 minutes chatting with a friend on Skype. Thanks Greta for the boldness! :) I was so excited, that I didn't care about the sugar high procrastination mode. Ditched lectures this morning. TA Steve isn't as BA without his mustache. What did "ite" mean? Why add it to the names of people groups? And why are my legs so darned sore? I want to sit and de-stress and stretch for hours.

There's so much to do today. And it's cold. Low of 35? Where did my high of 75 go? When I was a child, I would create landscapes on paint. Blue skies and green grass. Maybe some mountains. I'm glad that I am worthy of responding to. I wish that i didn't doubt... I bought face paint for capture the flag. I don't want to disappoint. I can't focus, I wonder when I tore this ligament in my hip. I dream of what it'd be like to see you again. I daydream too often; I spend money too often. I'll be 20 in one week, and I think time goes by much too quickly. People are afraid of dying, snakes and heights. I'm afraid that life will pass me by and I won't impact anyone; I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid that I might miss out if I blink. If I rest too long.

I came up with a catchphrase for my new journal, but I don't remember because I never wrote it down. I'm saddened by that. I got pen on my shirt, but the shirt is black and you can't see it. MLIA

Did I ever read Snow? Why am I not hungry? I want to sleep for hours - is that a choice? I doubt it. I have too much to do. Yet I think of dreaming. I can imagine my bed's softness. You speak of holiness and purity. Have I ever stood on holy ground? What would that feel like? 13 minutes of class left. Donut? I should probably get real food, but I still haven't been to Greenbush. I feel jittery. And my legs ache. My favorite pen is running out of ink and I shan't waste it on notes, it is too good for that. I remember buying a glass pen - I wonder where I put it? 8 minutes. Robin. Robert. We played cards that weekend and stayed inside, away from the rain. When did I last hold a conch shell? Or walk in a tidal pool? I miss the beaches of CA. There was a guy yesterday with a SF hat. He was cute. I have a Barry Bonds bobblehead. I like the crisp air. And the coolness. The crunch of leaves. I look forward to the first snow. 4 minutes. I hear a buzzing but it comes not from my phone. Pity. Text me back?

I still want to see your face. I still romanticize life."

under pressure

...kudo points for you if you started to sing the Queen song as soon as you saw the title to this. Hopefully you and I are friends. If not, well, we should be.

It's almost 4:00, and I definitely have a 4/5-page paper that's due in lecture tomorrow. At this point, I will probably have to skip my morning lecture. OR I'll be a baller and basically just take a nap tonight, and power through my power lectures, and then fall asleep at about 4:00 in the afternoon when it's all over. The only good thing in that is the fact that I don't have class on Wednesday until 1:20, and it's my only one. However, I have a ton to do, because I have an assignment due on Wed, and another paper for Thurs. There's also a ton of SPEV stuff to do, and we still don't really even have a team...which creates problems, and essentially chaos, and a minor mind-explosion on a daily basis.

I hate it when I do this. This has been my bread and butter since I can remember. I have written every single major essay within 48 hours of it being due, I'm pretty sure. Senior year, everything. Last year, yup, same. This is turning out to be no different. I'm all hyped up on some cookies and a Monster, and I'm writing this essay. I definitely watched an episode of Greek, to waste some time. And yesterday, I watched an episode of Gossip Girl... I don't even like Gossip Girl. I just, after this weekend, I couldn't bring myself to come home and do any serious work. I got a lot of reading done, but other than that, Sunday as a homework day was an absolute fail.

At the moment, I'm not even working on it. I was just majorly distracted. I give credit to my mother, and Greta for my awesome distraction. Thank you for making me bold. It was worth it, and I hope that it will continue to be as well.

I have class in 5 1/2 hours. Hmm... liklihood of my going at the moment? It's not looking so good McD, I apologize.

my newest hero

Dreams. Aspirations. Desires. Seriously, how many of us have a bucketlist? I know that the movie was talked about a lot after it came out (I personally never actually saw it), but I feel as though a lot of people think that things... I wouldn't say aren't possible, but perhaps rather "realistic." They've come to the conclusion that life is, well, dull, I suppose, and they take it in stride that they won't really ever get a chance to do all the things they wish they could. Life is busy, and therefore, no one has the time or the money to do anything but normal life. I'm sorry if it bothers you (though I don't understand why it would), however, I'm not accepting that as my fate.

http://www.gobackpacking.com

Check this guy out. Seriously, he's my newest hero. The average, normal guy. But he found made a way to accomplish his goal to travel around the world. 20 months, 22 countries. That's INCREDIBLE. I love travel. There's this image in my head of myself, 10 years from now or so, after being done with college. Me, with my history degree, and living like I'm broke as hell, whether or not I actually am, saving money, penny by penny until I go and see all the things that I've learned about. Saving money until I can take a trip to see with my own eyes all of the places that have influenced people for decades, or centuries. Maybe I'll write about it. Maybe I'll become a tour guide. I am not suited for a job that puts me behind a desk. I think I'd rather shove pencils through my eyes than wear business attire and sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I crave adventure.

I dare you, whoever you might be, to realize that yes, God has a plan for your life. I'm not contesting that. However, that does not mean that the plan is boring, or dull. It perhaps neither lacks surprise, nor adventure. If you have a dream - maybe it's to travel somewhere, or do something, or see something - find a way to do it! Stop playing victim and saying that it'll never happen, you will regret it someday. You might think you don't have the time, nor the energy, nor the money, and yes, sometimes you have to work for it. But - it's possible. You can probably achieve it if you actually have the motivation and determination to simply go and do it. It's likely that you're the only thing in your own way.

I trying to plan a trip at the moment. I couldn't be more excited.

looking for : travel buddy

So I'm torn. I am feeling terribly guilty about it, too, which really just adds to the pressure and the stress of trying to figure this all out. I love traveling. LOVE IT. I love adventure, as well as new things, places, and experiences. The whole sha-bang, it makes me happy. Spending time with people and exploring makes me more excited than I can really express. When I'm given an opportunity to go somewhere, I take it. Maybe it's rash of me, and perhaps I ought to put more planning or praying or whatever into it, but whereas most people sit back and think, I'm definitely onboard. When Evans asked if I wanted to go to Italy, there was no way in hell that I wasn't going. So I went. Same thing happened when my spanish class went to Costa Rica. It almost happened a third time when my lit. class went to Greece. The only reason I didn't go on that is because I moved. I even paid the down-payment. I was so determined, but life got the better of me that time.

I'm the kind of person who wants to plan a trip. If you have a spare week and want to go roadtrippin round this fine country, let me know. This past spring, I tried (unsuccessfully) to get some of my friends to go to DisneyWorld this summer. I don't like sitting still - I like going. When my cousins both went and aupaired, one ended up in Hawaii, the other, in Belgium. I was more jealous than I ever admitted, to be sure. I want that. So when I found out about Turkey, once again, I jumped on that train. That one, well, it didn't work out so perfectly, but yet, I'm not discouraged. I still want to go. There's so much to see and to do; there are so many people to meet. I guess I just don't want to miss out.

There's a trip planned to go to an Asian country for a week over Thanksgiving break... and I so badly want to go. This, my friends, is where I come across a problem, where I have a conflict. I want to go...but I don't think my desire is for the right reasons, and that makes me feel terrible. It's an opportunity to go to a college campus and tell other students in another country about Christ. Tell them about the gospel, and give them an opportunity to know because otherwise they might not hear. I understand the importance of a trip like this - I really do. I know that it's a chance to be a light, so to speak, in a dark place of the world. Yet it doesn't excite me. What excites me is the chance to go somewhere new, to see the sights and spend time with friends from school. Why am I not as stoked to share what I know?

I feel as if perhaps it's because a part of me knows that there is enough to do here in my own country, my own state, my own town. There are students here - thousands of them - that do not know the same savior that I know. Why am I not focusing on the hundreds of students in my apartment building instead? They have opportunities to hear about God, unlike these students abroad, but they don't take them. Is it more important for me to share with someone who has never heard? Or is it better to have a relationship with those around me, and to show them that life can be more.

It scares me to think that I simply want to go on a vacation instead. It feels selfish. It feels like maybe, it would be me doing something wrong. Like stealing cookies from the jar before eating dinner. What I can't figure out though, is if that is because it's true, or because I'm simply feeling guilty, and imposing those feelings on myself to try to make myself want to go on this trip to Asia. I want to be excited about the prospect of it...but I'm not. I don't think I should go if I'm not in it for the right reasons, if I don't get excited about it. I'd rather spend the same amount of money and spend a week going on a tour through EF in Paris and Amsterdam. I'd rather spend 10 days in Ireland. I'd rather buy myself a plane ticket and go see the World Cup next summer with my sister. (If I had my choice, I would somehow go to S. America with people that probably won't invite me because we're not actually "friends." But I wish we were! I want to come!) Should I feel bad about wanting to spend money to travel? I don't even know.

But what I want, more than anything at the moment, is:

Travel companions. Must be willing to seek adventure and not be afraid of the unknown that is the rest of this world. Must be willing to search outside of the box for ideas and plans. Must be willing to try new things.

Anyone serious about this in a more than a "Ohmygosh! That'd be like, so much fun!" kind of way, anyone who isn't just saying they want to because someday, somehow they might do something, welcome! Please don't ask me if you have no actual plans to do stuff, or if you're going to continually say "maybe." However, if you want to go do something awesome, and legitly want to, let me know. I would love love LOVE to join you.

do you even notice

that I care about you? I mean, honestly. I know that there needs to be common ground between straight up saying it, and being coy, but I feel as though if people paid attention the way that I do, they'd get it. It wouldn't be so hard. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who does stuff like this, and I find it strange that not one person has yet caught on. I don't think it's so hard, but then again, I suppose it's simply how I function. It makes sense to me. I would get it. But apparently I'm the only one. I probably shouldn't be posting this right now, because I'm just going to confuse a bajillion people, and the only person who should understand most likely doesn't even read this. I would be floored if they did. Man, that'd be a one in a million chance. Hey, you, if somehow you know that I'm talking about you, let me know, okay? That'd be awesome, thanks.

Kay, done with my venting. It's late, I apologize, but I can't get to sleep because of two reasons:

1) I keep thinking of possibilities
2) Owl City keeps playing on repeat in my head, and I keep humming along, which doesn't help

i can't get enough

of your voice. How strange it is, because I've heard one similar to it, and yours is so much better. I don't want to go to sleep, or read, because it wouldn't be there any longer. Shucks, complicated.

I had to work tonight, and it was pretty normal, but, as usual, I found myself drawn to those guys that are nice enough to simply have a conversation with me as I'm doing my job. Thank you, and kudo points go out to you people for making work less terrible. Anyone who makes a good joke, or tells a good story, or wears something interesting enough is cool in my book. There was one guy who had a SF Giants hat, which I loved. Definitely commented on that, and told him about going to watch Barry Bonds as a kid. I just love it when people genuinely care.

Oh, and as a side note - cute, blue-eyed trombone player, the answer is definitely yes. Haha, not like you would ever even know me. However, I'm determined to be in the front of P from here on out, and maybe Aaron knows you? That would simply be just awesomely fun. Yeah, so, the football game was yesterday (seeing as it's one o'clock, it was technically two days ago, but whatever) and I had a blast. It was so fantastic to be in the front row, as close as we could be to the field, with a bunch of my friends. It was the first game for a few of them, and I'm glad that I could share that with them. We had a good time, and of course, the 5th quarter came at the perfect time, right after we beat F.S in double overtime. Talk about stressful games to watch, man, that one was exciting. I can't believe I have to miss the Michigan State game, but I guess I'll live. Want to know something that I think is absolutely hilarious? My friends got on the jumbo-tron for painting "Bucky" on their chests, and they were only a little bit down from me. Then the guys on the other side of me were simply ridiculous, and I think they made it on that thing as well. So, guess who thought they saw me? But was wrong? Shoe. Ha, I love that he didn't even know if it was me or not. It probably wasn't. Still funny to me that he might not recognize me? It's not like I ever actually dyed my hair blue or anything. Oh well. Giggles.

Is it weird that I want to best friends with everyone? I think I'm too social for my own good and should take a leaf out of someone else's book and stay in my room more often. I just, I think sometimes that I am spreading myself thin in my attempts to know literally everyone. It's never going to happen, but I still want to know you! I sometimes wonder if people think that I'm faking my enthusiasm or something, but it's legit, I honestly love meeting new people and spending time with others. I should simply do my homework more often. I'll work on that.

The cd is almost over, sadly, but I have to have to HAVE TO read now, so I must turn it off. Goodbye beautiful voice. :(

routine, welcome

It's a new year. Classes started again on Wednesday, and I must say, I'm happy to be back. It's a new start. Even though it is familiar, being a sophomore is peculiar indeed. Transition is still inevitable, change is still definite, yet things are the same. I recognize the faces, the street signs, the desks. I like it this way. I know the lingo and the schedule and the football cheers, but I'm meeting new people, learning new things.

My summer, to sum it up... was hectic. Stressful. Much too short. I'm glad to be back here with people that I know and love, and I'm so very thankful that I actually made it out to the west coast to see some of my friends. I definitely enjoyed myself and all of the time I spent with them. It was sad to add some people to the list of those that I no longer want to stay in contact with, but for the most part, I still love the P-town kids. I ended up driving 16 hours straight from Spokane to Fargo in order to get home Friday before noon, and I am still a little exhausted, but it was worth it.

I wonder though, is it wrong to hold on? I want so badly to have the same relationships I once had. I want for people to not have changed, to still be the people that I knew them to be. Some of the changes were for the better, but others... I no longer have anything in common with a lot of the people that I used to spend so much time with. I hate having to let them go though, because I always wonder "what if" and it drives me crazy.

Moments like these are those in which I praise God for his faithfulness. His constancy. I thank Him for the fellowship and the love of the people around me. As I'm sitting here in my new apartment, I'm listening to music, making plans for lunch dates and looking over my schedule. It amazes me how busy I've become. All of the time is going to school, and Student Impact - related things. I'm so excited for this year. However, I literally have to schedule time for everything. This weekend, my goals are to :

A) make a budget for my money. Calculate rent/food/income/etc
B) make a study schedule, otherwise, I'm swamped
C) re-arrange / finish unpacking all of my things, tidy up
D) go to the football game, and have a grand ole time with my fellow Badgers