my story

Sitting silently in a giant ballroom amongst over 1,500 college students last December, I broke down. I had known that the life I had been living was fake, ungodly, selfish. I understood that I needed to change, and that things weren’t going as well as they could have. All of the pressure that I had put on myself, all of the expectations that I had for my life, all of my convictions…it all came crashing down upon me in that moment.

When I was in junior high, I was blessed to have a solid group of Christian friends. We went to Bible study, youth group, and church together. We spent Wednesdays after school, and many evenings at our local Starbucks talking about God, life, and what it meant to really have a relationship with our savior, Jesus Christ. Between 7th grade, and my junior year of high school, I grew spiritually, but it was in leaps and bounds. Looking back, I realize that I never truly made my relationship with Christ into a priority; instead, I made my idea of Christianity into a social excuse. It became my go-to if I didn’t want to do something that I thought might be ‘bad.’ My actions and thoughts were legalistic, and I used Christianity to judge others for their drinking and lewd behavior. It was my way to justify my judgmental and elitist behaviors and thoughts. In my mind Christianity served to separate me from all of the plastic and stereotypical students at school. It separated me somehow from all the “fake” Christians, who only went to youth group to check out all the cute boys & girls. Looking back, I realize that I was no better of a Christian (or person), and in some ways, I was worse.

In March of my junior year of high school, at the age of 17, my family moved to Minnesota, some 1600 miles away from my home near Seattle, Washington. I spent a lot of time up until the move being outwardly optimistic. I pretended well and often enough that I was able to convince myself that moving was going to be a good thing. When I first got to the Midwest, however, it seemed unreal. I was away from all of the fellowship that I had gained in the past years; I was alone. In the silence of my bedroom, I cursed God for taking me away from all that I had known; I had left so many things unfinished, so many plans unrealized. I didn’t understand why he would pull me away from everything, nor did I know what I had done wrong to deserve such a punishment. I spent countless nights in my room, crying myself to sleep.

Intellectually, I knew that everything happens for a reason. I had heard so many times that God had a plan for my life. Having grown up going to Sunday school, and Bible camps during the summer, I knew that God loved me, and that He knew what He was doing. Even with all of the knowledge, and background… I didn’t understand.

I became a lone soldier at school. Being the new kid is a hard thing to do; it’s a hard role to take upon yourself, especially if it wasn’t your choice. I had persuaded myself that I would have the best of both worlds – I would keep my old friends, and make a lot of new ones. However, as the contact with my friends back in Washington slipped away, I had nothing to hold onto in my new environment. Sure, I had ‘friends.’ I even had a boyfriend soon after I got to Minnesota, and then through senior year. It looked like I had it all together, like I had people that I could turn to, yet I was empty. I didn’t know who I could trust. I didn’t know who would get me into trouble. I couldn’t rely upon them, and they didn’t know me well. Instead of turning back to God, instead of acting upon all that I knew, I ran away from it, and threw myself into these people, hoping that something would stick.

Senior year was a nightmare. Yes, there were things that went well. There were things that made me happy, but day in and day out, the honest truth was that I hated it. I hated who I had become, and what I was doing. I spent my time at school acting happy, acting social, but on the inside, I didn’t care. I put up a front, but knew that I wouldn’t be friends with anyone from my graduating class after I was gone. I did things that I’m not proud of, and things that my friends from back home would’ve been shocked to hear coming from me. I didn’t know who I was anymore because I changed daily.

It wasn’t until I left it all behind me – graduation, and everything that went with it – that I started to understand why. It wasn’t until I came to Madison, to the University of Wisconsin, that it clicked. I was invited to a conference last Christmas in Minneapolis called TCX and I went. As I sat in that ballroom that night, in a hotel in downtown Minneapolis, I heard a speaker talking about truly living for Christ, about letting Him control your life. He spoke of sincerity. He spoke of giving things up. He spoke of pursing a relationship with a savior that had come to this earth, just to save us. I had heard it all before, this talk of Jesus Christ being the son of God and dying on the cross, and resurrecting to pay for the sins of the world. I had heard it, but this time was somehow different. It was as if the message was just for me, and it stuck.

In the weeks and months that followed, as I went through my freshman year, things changed. I’m still not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination, and though it wasn’t always instantly, I could see my life take a new path. I gave up old relationships that weren’t healthy. I apologized to people that I had hurt in the past. I changed my major. I realized that God had moved me, and that I had gone through things, so that I could end up here, at Madison. He intended for me to be here to hear these messages, and meet these people. He intended me to know Him personally, to follow Him, and live for Him. Since then, I have seen how loving, and how great, and how faithful God truly is. He never fails to amaze and astound me. It’s because of who He is, that I trust Him with my life. It’s because of what He’s done, that I follow Him. I couldn’t ever be good enough, nor strong enough to do life on my own. I tried to get through it by myself, and it left me miserable, incomplete, and exhausted. Day by day, I rely upon Christ to get through, and time and time again, I find that He’s more than enough.

last one

This is my last blog. I know, I know, you probably don't believe me. However, it's true. I am going to bid you adieu. A lot of thinking has gone into this, and I just... I can't do it anymore. I feel as though I've gotten used to telling everyone everything via this blog, and I no longer feel as if it is appropriate to do so. I don't even know who you are, or who reads this, and therefore, I feel as though honestly, if you want to know things, you should talk to me. Information about myself, about my hopes and dreams and desires shouldn't be online for anyone to access. I guess I never really grasped this concept before, and now I'm putting it into action. A lot of the time, I think that I put specific things on this just to see if someone will respond in the way that I think they ought to. I hate that once in awhile I bait people like that, whether it works or not. I'm stopping.

Not only that, but I feel as if a lot of my precious time goes into me telling you about things on this. As my friend pointed out, I tend to blog when I have homework due (I have another essay due tomorrow...) and he's right, this happens all the time. I can't waste that time anymore. I can't blog instead of do my homework. I can't go on facebook when I should read my Bible. If following after Christ is my main objective, than these things are getting in the way of that. While it is not a direct cause and effect relationship, blogging gives me just one more excuse to ignore other things. Therefore, this is no longer rational, nor justifiable. I pray that I instead use the time that would've gone into blogging, into deepening my faith and pursuing my savior. I can think of no greater goal.

All in all - thanks if you cared enough to read this, but if you want to know how I'm doing, find a different way to do so.

With affection,
-me

in real time

This is from yesterday, Monday September 28, 2009, from my journal. Here's what I think of and write. Thought it might be interesting. Yes, I'm aware that I'm random. It's how I think.

"Sitting outside of Hums. 20 til class. It feels like Fall. I'm wearing a sweater and I'm chilly. The air is crisp. There's a man with a sign saying non-Christians are going to Hell. A group is around him, asking questions, challenging his ideas.

How is that guy in shorts and a tee? Isn't he freezing. My hair's a mess and gets in the way of me seeing this paper. What am I even writing about as the wind pushes leaves past where I sit, back against a lamp-post? Jonah & Samantha. I'm watching the faces as they walk by, as they see the sign-holding man. Reactions?

Disbelief.
Anger.
Sadness.
Apathy.

It's slowly breaking my heart.

"Read the Bible or you'll die in your sins." - man's quote. "Escape the fire!" I want moccasins, but will I get a blister like that girl? Is pain really weakness leaving my body?

I wonder. I want someone to notice me here. Say hello. Ask me my opinion on the yelling man. I feel like I sit here because I'm waiting for something, or someone. I just don't know who...

Class time."

* * * * *

Today, instead of paying attention to a professor -

"I look like I raided Cette's closet. Green, white, black hobo-looking Mexican hoodie. I slept on the couch last night. Today, a 5-page African history paper was due - I didn't start til 3:00 am. I spend 30 minutes chatting with a friend on Skype. Thanks Greta for the boldness! :) I was so excited, that I didn't care about the sugar high procrastination mode. Ditched lectures this morning. TA Steve isn't as BA without his mustache. What did "ite" mean? Why add it to the names of people groups? And why are my legs so darned sore? I want to sit and de-stress and stretch for hours.

There's so much to do today. And it's cold. Low of 35? Where did my high of 75 go? When I was a child, I would create landscapes on paint. Blue skies and green grass. Maybe some mountains. I'm glad that I am worthy of responding to. I wish that i didn't doubt... I bought face paint for capture the flag. I don't want to disappoint. I can't focus, I wonder when I tore this ligament in my hip. I dream of what it'd be like to see you again. I daydream too often; I spend money too often. I'll be 20 in one week, and I think time goes by much too quickly. People are afraid of dying, snakes and heights. I'm afraid that life will pass me by and I won't impact anyone; I'm afraid of time. I'm afraid that I might miss out if I blink. If I rest too long.

I came up with a catchphrase for my new journal, but I don't remember because I never wrote it down. I'm saddened by that. I got pen on my shirt, but the shirt is black and you can't see it. MLIA

Did I ever read Snow? Why am I not hungry? I want to sleep for hours - is that a choice? I doubt it. I have too much to do. Yet I think of dreaming. I can imagine my bed's softness. You speak of holiness and purity. Have I ever stood on holy ground? What would that feel like? 13 minutes of class left. Donut? I should probably get real food, but I still haven't been to Greenbush. I feel jittery. And my legs ache. My favorite pen is running out of ink and I shan't waste it on notes, it is too good for that. I remember buying a glass pen - I wonder where I put it? 8 minutes. Robin. Robert. We played cards that weekend and stayed inside, away from the rain. When did I last hold a conch shell? Or walk in a tidal pool? I miss the beaches of CA. There was a guy yesterday with a SF hat. He was cute. I have a Barry Bonds bobblehead. I like the crisp air. And the coolness. The crunch of leaves. I look forward to the first snow. 4 minutes. I hear a buzzing but it comes not from my phone. Pity. Text me back?

I still want to see your face. I still romanticize life."

under pressure

...kudo points for you if you started to sing the Queen song as soon as you saw the title to this. Hopefully you and I are friends. If not, well, we should be.

It's almost 4:00, and I definitely have a 4/5-page paper that's due in lecture tomorrow. At this point, I will probably have to skip my morning lecture. OR I'll be a baller and basically just take a nap tonight, and power through my power lectures, and then fall asleep at about 4:00 in the afternoon when it's all over. The only good thing in that is the fact that I don't have class on Wednesday until 1:20, and it's my only one. However, I have a ton to do, because I have an assignment due on Wed, and another paper for Thurs. There's also a ton of SPEV stuff to do, and we still don't really even have a team...which creates problems, and essentially chaos, and a minor mind-explosion on a daily basis.

I hate it when I do this. This has been my bread and butter since I can remember. I have written every single major essay within 48 hours of it being due, I'm pretty sure. Senior year, everything. Last year, yup, same. This is turning out to be no different. I'm all hyped up on some cookies and a Monster, and I'm writing this essay. I definitely watched an episode of Greek, to waste some time. And yesterday, I watched an episode of Gossip Girl... I don't even like Gossip Girl. I just, after this weekend, I couldn't bring myself to come home and do any serious work. I got a lot of reading done, but other than that, Sunday as a homework day was an absolute fail.

At the moment, I'm not even working on it. I was just majorly distracted. I give credit to my mother, and Greta for my awesome distraction. Thank you for making me bold. It was worth it, and I hope that it will continue to be as well.

I have class in 5 1/2 hours. Hmm... liklihood of my going at the moment? It's not looking so good McD, I apologize.

my newest hero

Dreams. Aspirations. Desires. Seriously, how many of us have a bucketlist? I know that the movie was talked about a lot after it came out (I personally never actually saw it), but I feel as though a lot of people think that things... I wouldn't say aren't possible, but perhaps rather "realistic." They've come to the conclusion that life is, well, dull, I suppose, and they take it in stride that they won't really ever get a chance to do all the things they wish they could. Life is busy, and therefore, no one has the time or the money to do anything but normal life. I'm sorry if it bothers you (though I don't understand why it would), however, I'm not accepting that as my fate.

http://www.gobackpacking.com

Check this guy out. Seriously, he's my newest hero. The average, normal guy. But he found made a way to accomplish his goal to travel around the world. 20 months, 22 countries. That's INCREDIBLE. I love travel. There's this image in my head of myself, 10 years from now or so, after being done with college. Me, with my history degree, and living like I'm broke as hell, whether or not I actually am, saving money, penny by penny until I go and see all the things that I've learned about. Saving money until I can take a trip to see with my own eyes all of the places that have influenced people for decades, or centuries. Maybe I'll write about it. Maybe I'll become a tour guide. I am not suited for a job that puts me behind a desk. I think I'd rather shove pencils through my eyes than wear business attire and sit at a desk for the rest of my life. I crave adventure.

I dare you, whoever you might be, to realize that yes, God has a plan for your life. I'm not contesting that. However, that does not mean that the plan is boring, or dull. It perhaps neither lacks surprise, nor adventure. If you have a dream - maybe it's to travel somewhere, or do something, or see something - find a way to do it! Stop playing victim and saying that it'll never happen, you will regret it someday. You might think you don't have the time, nor the energy, nor the money, and yes, sometimes you have to work for it. But - it's possible. You can probably achieve it if you actually have the motivation and determination to simply go and do it. It's likely that you're the only thing in your own way.

I trying to plan a trip at the moment. I couldn't be more excited.

looking for : travel buddy

So I'm torn. I am feeling terribly guilty about it, too, which really just adds to the pressure and the stress of trying to figure this all out. I love traveling. LOVE IT. I love adventure, as well as new things, places, and experiences. The whole sha-bang, it makes me happy. Spending time with people and exploring makes me more excited than I can really express. When I'm given an opportunity to go somewhere, I take it. Maybe it's rash of me, and perhaps I ought to put more planning or praying or whatever into it, but whereas most people sit back and think, I'm definitely onboard. When Evans asked if I wanted to go to Italy, there was no way in hell that I wasn't going. So I went. Same thing happened when my spanish class went to Costa Rica. It almost happened a third time when my lit. class went to Greece. The only reason I didn't go on that is because I moved. I even paid the down-payment. I was so determined, but life got the better of me that time.

I'm the kind of person who wants to plan a trip. If you have a spare week and want to go roadtrippin round this fine country, let me know. This past spring, I tried (unsuccessfully) to get some of my friends to go to DisneyWorld this summer. I don't like sitting still - I like going. When my cousins both went and aupaired, one ended up in Hawaii, the other, in Belgium. I was more jealous than I ever admitted, to be sure. I want that. So when I found out about Turkey, once again, I jumped on that train. That one, well, it didn't work out so perfectly, but yet, I'm not discouraged. I still want to go. There's so much to see and to do; there are so many people to meet. I guess I just don't want to miss out.

There's a trip planned to go to an Asian country for a week over Thanksgiving break... and I so badly want to go. This, my friends, is where I come across a problem, where I have a conflict. I want to go...but I don't think my desire is for the right reasons, and that makes me feel terrible. It's an opportunity to go to a college campus and tell other students in another country about Christ. Tell them about the gospel, and give them an opportunity to know because otherwise they might not hear. I understand the importance of a trip like this - I really do. I know that it's a chance to be a light, so to speak, in a dark place of the world. Yet it doesn't excite me. What excites me is the chance to go somewhere new, to see the sights and spend time with friends from school. Why am I not as stoked to share what I know?

I feel as if perhaps it's because a part of me knows that there is enough to do here in my own country, my own state, my own town. There are students here - thousands of them - that do not know the same savior that I know. Why am I not focusing on the hundreds of students in my apartment building instead? They have opportunities to hear about God, unlike these students abroad, but they don't take them. Is it more important for me to share with someone who has never heard? Or is it better to have a relationship with those around me, and to show them that life can be more.

It scares me to think that I simply want to go on a vacation instead. It feels selfish. It feels like maybe, it would be me doing something wrong. Like stealing cookies from the jar before eating dinner. What I can't figure out though, is if that is because it's true, or because I'm simply feeling guilty, and imposing those feelings on myself to try to make myself want to go on this trip to Asia. I want to be excited about the prospect of it...but I'm not. I don't think I should go if I'm not in it for the right reasons, if I don't get excited about it. I'd rather spend the same amount of money and spend a week going on a tour through EF in Paris and Amsterdam. I'd rather spend 10 days in Ireland. I'd rather buy myself a plane ticket and go see the World Cup next summer with my sister. (If I had my choice, I would somehow go to S. America with people that probably won't invite me because we're not actually "friends." But I wish we were! I want to come!) Should I feel bad about wanting to spend money to travel? I don't even know.

But what I want, more than anything at the moment, is:

Travel companions. Must be willing to seek adventure and not be afraid of the unknown that is the rest of this world. Must be willing to search outside of the box for ideas and plans. Must be willing to try new things.

Anyone serious about this in a more than a "Ohmygosh! That'd be like, so much fun!" kind of way, anyone who isn't just saying they want to because someday, somehow they might do something, welcome! Please don't ask me if you have no actual plans to do stuff, or if you're going to continually say "maybe." However, if you want to go do something awesome, and legitly want to, let me know. I would love love LOVE to join you.

do you even notice

that I care about you? I mean, honestly. I know that there needs to be common ground between straight up saying it, and being coy, but I feel as though if people paid attention the way that I do, they'd get it. It wouldn't be so hard. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who does stuff like this, and I find it strange that not one person has yet caught on. I don't think it's so hard, but then again, I suppose it's simply how I function. It makes sense to me. I would get it. But apparently I'm the only one. I probably shouldn't be posting this right now, because I'm just going to confuse a bajillion people, and the only person who should understand most likely doesn't even read this. I would be floored if they did. Man, that'd be a one in a million chance. Hey, you, if somehow you know that I'm talking about you, let me know, okay? That'd be awesome, thanks.

Kay, done with my venting. It's late, I apologize, but I can't get to sleep because of two reasons:

1) I keep thinking of possibilities
2) Owl City keeps playing on repeat in my head, and I keep humming along, which doesn't help